A Regular Dude's World Atlas

Serbia

2011-08-18T17:40:00.000-07:00

I've only ever known one person from Serbia, a landlocked country in centralish-southeasterny Europe. He was the professor of a college course I took entitled "War, Technology and Society." Based on my experience with him, I'd say that Serbians are a grumpy, diminutive people who all talk gleefully and knowledgeably about medieval war implements and spout adorable bits of folk wisdom like "Never rub a man's face in defeat. Just kick him until he stops moving." That's probably a safe generalization, isn't it? Serbian people dislike Albanians and Chelsea Handler.

Most Serbs.

Senegal

2011-08-18T17:20:00.000-07:00

Senegal is a West African nation wrapped around the Gambia, a small strip of land which the aforementioned Senegal never had the gumption or the inclination to conquer for itself and feast on its riches. The other nearby areas which Senegal has failed to annex and subjugate include Guinea-Bissau, Mali, Mauritania and the vast unclaimed depths of the Atlantic Ocean. Despite having a diverse array indigenous languages, the national language of Senegal is French, which I personally think was taking the easy way out. I've recently decided to start calling Senegal "The Disappointment of West Africa" based on its chronic underachievement in categories like size by area (88th in the world), size by population (72nd!) and GDP (111th, behind Iceland. Iceland, you guys!). Come on Senegal. Why can't you be more like your brother?

Senegal's capital, Dakar, is tiny compared to the world's largest city, Shanghai. What a letdown.

Saudi Arabia

2011-08-03T15:16:00.000-07:00

Saudi Arabia is a country in the Middle East where everybody is constantly at least kind of mad because it's hot all the time, sand gets into all of your shit and no one is ever allowed to have any fun doing anything. It's kind of like Utah, if you've ever been there before. Saudi Arabia is an Islamic absolute monarchy, which I think basically means that if you live there, you shouldn't fuck around. Saudi Arabia is also located on top of the world's largest oil reserves, which means that despite continued criticism over human rights issues such as equality between men and women and the perennial question of whether or not cutting off the hands and feet of minor offenders is the best method of criminal rehabilitation, the king (currently Abdullah bin [more names]) still gets to have lots of weird sleepovers with powerful foreign heads of state. Saudi royalty aren't really all that different from the kid you knew in the fourth grade who was kind of a shitty person, but you hung out with him anyway because he had a Sega Dreamcast and Crazy Taxi was a really fun game.

The Burj al-Mamlaka, Saudi Arabia's tallest building, was built in 2002, in case someone ever needs to open a really huge bottle.

São Tomé and Príncipe

2011-06-08T17:23:00.000-07:00

São Tomé and Príncipe is the smallest country in the world, aside from some other countries that are smaller. An island nation located some amount of miles off the coast of west Africa, São Tomé and Príncipe was uninhabited before the year 1470, when the islands were discovered by Portuguese explorers conducting an experiment to see if they could find São Tomé and Príncipe. As it turned out, they could. In 1975, São Tomé and Príncipe gained its independence from Portugal as part of an experiment to see if they could do a better job on their own. I haven't managed (nor have I tried) to find any statistics on whether or not that worked out, so I'm gonna assume that it did. One thing I like about São Tomé and Príncipe is that São Tomé has a tilde in it. I think that's pretty cool.

São Tomé and Príncipe's president is Fradique de Menezes, seen here wearing a dumb-looking bowtie.

San Marino

2011-06-07T15:42:00.000-07:00

San Marino (also known as The Most Serene Republic of San Marino [Really, San Marino? "Most serene?" There's a claim to fame. (Sarcasm!!!)]) is one of the European microstates, which is a nice way of saying that it has a soccer team that has never, ever won. San Marino is located in the Apennine Mountains, totally surrounded by Italy like a Vatican City with no popes in it. San Marino is the oldest sovereign state currently in existence, probably because it's really not all that difficult to maintain sovereignty over a tennis court-sized area in a mountainous region. Congratulations, I guess. Originally founded in the fourth century as a haven for Christians who were sick of the Roman Empire calling them mean, but not very clever names like "Christhole" and "Jesus balls." The nation's capital is the city of San Marino, located in the shadow of the country's highest peak, Mount Titano (Italian for "Mount Tittaaaays").

San Marino is named after its founder, Saint Marinus, shown here building some sort of thing.

Samoa

2011-06-05T16:43:00.000-07:00

Samoa is an island nation in the south Pacific Ocean, the land mass of which is made up entirely of coconuts that have agglomerated in a massive pile due to a peculiar vortexy tidal situation. (Author's Note: Is that a racist thing to say? It feels like it was kind of racist. Or at least cruel and minimizing. I apologize to any and all of my Samoan readers.) The two largest islands in Samoa are Upolu and Savai'i, but even these so-called "main islands" are tiny as hell. The Samoan economy is based largely on tourism and agriculture, with its primary export being vaguely ethnic professional wrestlers - though Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka turns out to have been Fijian (Author's Note: Glad I looked that up, or I would have looked even more racist just now), prominent stars of Samoan extraction have included a guy named Rikishi, whose gimmick was "The Samoan Man with the Giant Fat Ass," as well as esteemed dramatic actor Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. The capital, Apia, is nothing to write home about.

Sometimes Samoan people get weird tattoos.

Saint Vincent and the Grenadines

2011-05-19T17:43:00.001-07:00

In the cosmic sense, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines has no significance whatsoever.

I, too, felt ready to start life all over again. It was as if that great rush of anger had washed me clean, emptied me of hope, and, gazing up at the dark sky spangled with its signs and stars, for the first time, the first, I laid my heart open to the benign indifference of the universe. To feel it so like myself, indeed, so brotherly, made me realize that I’d been happy, and that I was happy still. For all to be accomplished, for me to feel less lonely, all that remained to hope was that on the day of my execution there should be a huge crowd of spectators and that they should greet me with howls of execration.

Saint Lucia

2011-05-19T17:35:00.000-07:00

Saint Lucia is an island nation in the Caribbean. It achieved independence from the United Kingdom in 1979. The capital is Castries. Who has time for such things when one day all of us will die?

Saint Lucia's flag is brightly colored to distract its citizens from the inevitability of death.

Saint Kitts and Nevis

2011-05-19T17:13:00.000-07:00

Saint Kitts and Nevis is the first of way too many inconsequential island nations whose names all start with the letter 'S', and will thus be afforded even less attention than most of the island nations I've already done. Located in the Leeward Island chain of the east Caribbean, Saint Kitts and Nevis consists of two islands: Saint Kitts, and another one whose name I was unable to dig up in my research. With a population of just over 50,000, Saint Kitts and Nevis is the smallest country in the Americas (in case you care [You don't though, so why did I bother? (Why do I do anything? What's the point? Does my life have any meaning at all?)]).

A view from Saint Kitts of the other island, whatever it's called. The blue part is the ocean.

Rwanda

2011-05-18T17:37:00.000-07:00

Rwanda is a small African country that most people have only heard of because of all the terrible things that have happened there. I should probably be more specific, huh? This particular bowl of sad history (part of this complete breakfast!) is located in central Africa, just south of the Equator. Rwanda was a Germany colony from 1884 until World War I, when it was claimed by the Belgians, whose prowess at destroying the lives of dark-skinned people once nearly matched their waffle-making chops. The Belgians ruled through the Rwandan monarchy, favoring the Tutsi tribe over their main rivals, the Hutu, building up massive resentment between the two, which, in an event that was completely without precedent in African colonial history, led to civil war and ethnic cleansing. Up to a million people were killed by Hutu rebels during the 1994 Rwandan Genocide, and that number could easily have been higher without the heroic actions of people like Don Cheadle. Rwanda is currently a major exporter of coffee beans, good for late nights awake in bed thinking about how humankind is a pitiable, hopeless race, cursed from the beginning of time to forever repeat the blunders of history.

Rwandan coffee farmers sorting the beans for Starbucks' new blend: ultra-dark, with hints of chocolate and regret.

Russia

2011-05-16T00:31:00.000-07:00

Russia is the world's biggest country, a monolithic chunk of Eurasia that has fewer interesting things per square mile than any other nation on the planet. That's probably not entirely fair, as the western half of Russia has produced plenty of culture (mostly a lot of sad authors), whereas the eastern half is so desolate and miserable that one time a meteor exploded directly above part of it, leveling miles of forest and creating an explosion so large that it lit up the night sky all over the world, and almost nobody noticed. I think that's the part where famous dead person Yul Brynner was from. Siberia, one of the most famously shitty areas in the entire world, used to be where infamous dictator/mustache champion Josef Stalin sent people who he didn't like. Can you imagine that? What if an American president forced people to live in camps in the worst parts of the country for reasons other than because they were Japanese? Wouldn't that be crazy? Russia was ruled by a series of tsars from 1547 to 1918, when Nicholas II was doing such a lousy job that communism actually started to look like a more viable system of government. The October Revolution was led by Vladimir Lenin, whose crazy dream lasted for most of the 20th century before the fall of the Berlin Wall in late 1991. During this time, the Soviet Union not only managed to make most of eastern Europe economically retarded; they also accomplished the previously unthinkable feat of launching a dog into space. This was, and remains, the most expensive way that anyone has ever killed a dog.

Following his death, Lenin's body was mummified and remains on display at his mausoleum in Moscow for the benefit of those who think he didn't look quite creepy enough when he was still alive.

Romania

2011-05-10T15:20:00.001-07:00

Romania is a country in eastern Europe that is going to be difficult to talk about in an original way because I already used up all of my (admittedly pretty mediocre) scary accent material on Bulgaria. I am a lazy person though, so that's not gonna stop me from making hay out of the fact that Transylvania, located in Romania, was where vampires used to live before the crash in the housing market forced all of them to move to a sad, redneck town in the Pacific Northwest. Modern-day Romania was once home to Vlad the Impaler, a major asshole whose 15th-century reign of terror inspired characters like Bram Stoker's Dracula and The Count from Sesame Street. So at least his tens of thousands of victims can take solace in the fact that their brutal executions eventually resulted in an excellent means of teaching basic arithmetic to children. Plus, it's not like they wouldn't all be dead by now anyway (I'm a glass-half-full guy). The capital of Romania is Bucharest, which apparently has such a major overpopulation of stray dogs that the problem warranted a subheading on its Wikipedia page.

Bran Castle in central Romania. Forks, Washington is a pretty big step down in my book.

Qatar

2011-04-20T15:21:00.000-07:00

Qatar is a Middle Eastern country whose national motto is "The letter 'u' is for pussies." Qatar is located on the Qatar Peninsula (sort of an Arabian answer to Michigan) bordering Saudi Arabia and the Persian Gulf in an area which is unarguably where Qatar is located. Qatar is an absolute monarchy in which all of the power belongs to an Emir who probably doesn't force his subjects to dance for his amusement nearly as much as I would, were I in his position. The current Emir is Hamad bin Khalifa Al-Thani, and every other position of power is occupied by someone in his family who has those same names in a different sequence, meaning every government session eventually devolves into a really unfunny Abbott and Costello routine. Owing to its vast oil resources, Qatar had the highest GDP in the world last year, but remains pretty iffy on some human rights issues, proving that there's some truth in the old Beatles lyric: "I don't care too much for money / Money can't buy me fair treatment of Asian migrant laborers." The capital, Doha, is home to the Al Jazeera news network. Seriously, I swear to God it is. Why would I make that up? Fine, don't believe me? Look it up. See? It says so right there on Wikipedia. Honestly, I don't know why you wouldn't just trust me on that one.

Qatar is slated to host the 2022 FIFA World Cup for reasons that completely elude everyone.

Portugal

2011-02-23T18:03:00.000-08:00

Portugal is a country located in southwestern Europe on the part of the Iberian Peninsula that Spain didn't want. For many years, the area which we now know as Portugal was just a place that a bunch of conquering tribes with dumb haircuts and funny languages had stomped over so that they could look at the ocean without having to be in France at the same time. At some point in what most people would probably consider to be history, the area which is now Portugal was conquered by the Moors. The Moors were pretty Muslimy, which didn't sit well with the more Catholicky crowd of dudes that eventually founded the first Portugal™ in 868 after a certain amount of unpleasantness. Over time, Portugal grew to become one of the most powerful countries in the world. That fell off pretty sharply, like, 300 years ago, but some Portuguese people are probably still proud of it, and I think that's adorable. On the upside, Portugal did manage to spread the language of Portuguese to Brazil, ultimately making South America more confusing than it really needed to be. The capital is Lisbon, if you catch my drift. I don't know what I meant by that.

Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo is Portugal's most famous douchebag, but most likely not its biggest.

Poland

2011-02-16T17:57:00.000-08:00

Poland is a country in central Europe. Due to its location between Russia and Germany, two countries that have never had a great deal of impulse control, Poland has historically had a really difficult time not being a part of Germany or Russia. The Polish people, who you're apparently not supposed to call Polacks (but whenever possible, I do anyway) are the subject of a series of jokes that nobody thinks are funny anymore, the punchlines of which are about how Polacks (Yeah, I said it. What?) are stupid. One example of a stupid Polack (I said it again!) is Nicolaus Copernicus, who knew stuff about space that no one had ever known before, but only because he was born in the 15th century and nobody knew anything about space then. Even I know more about space than that guy, and I'm technically not even a scientist (Author's Note: Carl Sagan's "Cosmos" is available on Netflix Instant). The Polish language is notable for sounding more like the noise a person makes when he or she vomits than any other language except for maybe Hungarian, but does really Hungarian count anyway? It probably does.

Here is a buffalo-type thing that apparently lives in Poland.

Philippines

2011-02-12T16:09:00.000-08:00

The Philippines (named for famed murderer/record producer Phil Spector) is an island nation located in the western Pacific Ocean. The country is comprised of 7107 separate islands, but remember you guys, it's quality, not quantity. If you want to see a whole lot of Filipinos hanging out in one place, your best bet is Luzon, the archipelago's largest, populous-est and [another superlative] island, located 250 kilometers from Taiwan across the Luzon Strait (which Wikipedia describes as "an important strait," but frankly I don't see it). Luzon is the location of Manila, the capital of the Philippines and the center of the 11th-largest metropolitan area in the world ("Bigger than Kolkata!" "What's Kolkata?" "It's in India!"). Filipinos speak way too many different languages, but the most popular is Tagalog, which I haven't researched, but I think is kind of like when you imitate Spanish by just speaking English while doing a really terrible, vaguely racist Spanish accent. In fact, I'm pretty sure you can just speak any language and Filipinos will be able to understand you as long as you're doing your best Antonio Banderas impression. At the very least, they might think it's funny.

These particular Filipinos will probably not be amused by your Antonio Banderas impression (unless it's really good).

Peru

2011-01-31T14:11:00.000-08:00

Peru is an outrageous place in South America where people used to live in stone cities on top of mountains because they hated it when anything was convenient. The Inca civilization, as seen in the film "The Emperor's New Groove" (that was Inca, right?), was having what I would characterize based on my research as a pretty marvelous time up until the early 16th century, when they were conquistadored pretty heavily by Francisco Pizarro, a Spanish guy with a weird hat and a creepy beard. Peru achieved independence in 1821 and I think that's terrific. I've always liked Peru because people from there are called "Peruvians" and I like to call them "Pe-groove-ians" (Author's Note: This is merely an obnoxious nickname and not in any way a slur of the Peruvian people. Some of my best friends are Peruvians. Five of them are. I have five Peruvian best friends.). Lima, the capital, is home to over seven million residents. Wow! That's more than Peoria, Buffalo and Sacramento combined!

Nice to look at, but I wouldn't wanna live there.

Paraguay

2011-01-27T17:29:00.000-08:00

Paraguay (Author's Note: I am furious with myself for using that "Pa-'poo'-a" joke on the last entry because now I can't make a joke about "Para-GAY" which would be even more hilarious) is a landlocked South American nation which has, due to its central position within the continent, been nicknamed "The Heart of America." Anatomically speaking, I think "The Appendix of America" would be more accurate, but that of course carries all sorts of other connotations, and I would prefer not to recommend a Paraguectomy until all the facts are in. Wow. I've already filled pretty much all the space I wanted to without ever actually saying anything about the country in question. The capital is Asunción. There. Now you've learned something.

Asunción, seen here in what appears to be a screenshot from some obscure Paraguayan "Cloverfield" spinoff.

Papua New Guinea

2011-01-25T13:35:00.000-08:00

Papua (more like Pa-"poo"-a, am I right? Ladies?) New Guinea is a country occupying the eastern half of the island of New Guinea, which is located in Oceania and, oddly, nowhere near regular Guinea. New Guinea is thought to be one of the first landmasses on which humans lived after Africa and Eurasia, with archaeologists having discovered the remains of people who were trundling about the island more than 50,000 years ago (but don't do much trundling anymore [because they're dead]). Papua New Guinea is a very poor country, with most of its population making way less money than my dad does. 82% of the Papua New Guinean population lives outside of its urban centers and gets by on whatever Papua New Guinean crops they can coax out of the Papua New Guinean soil. Papua New Guinea is located right on the edge of the Pacific Ring of Fire (insert unfunny pun about buttholes) and is frequently hit by earthquakes and tsunamis, as well as being made almost entirely out of volcanoes; crippling poverty and near-constant natural disasters go together like peanut butter and jelly.

Mount Tarvurvur: Jelly, for the purposes of this simile.

Panama

2010-12-24T09:43:00.000-08:00

Not to be confused with "banana," which is a different thing entirely, Panama is a Van Halen song and a nation located on a narrow isthmus in what I guess would be called South Central America. For countless millenia, Panama kept the Pacific Ocean from spilling over into the Atlantic Ocean, and vice versa. In 1904, heedless of this important function (as well as what was, at the time, considered to be the very real possibility of South America floating willy-nilly into the Antarctic Ocean and Tierra del Fuego-ing some poor penguin in the eye), Teddy Roosevelt decided to dig a hole straight through the entire country. Why? Because Teddy Roosevelt was a hardcore dude who just didn't give a damn. Also because it was more convenient than inventing some kind of futuristic amphibious shipping vehicle. Said hole, known by most as the Panama Canal, turned out to be a pretty big deal. Such a big deal that in 1981, "Maximum Leader of the Panamanian Revolution" (a dumb title meaning "President") Omar Torrijos' plane crashed from the sheer geopolitical significance of it. General Manuel Noriega took control of the country in 1983 and reinforced the old adage that it is really easy to be mean to people when you are an autocratic dictator.

Lookin' good, Manuel.

Palau

2010-12-21T16:20:00.000-08:00

Palau is an island nation located east of Philippines in the Pacific Ocean. Established in 1994, Palau is notable for being one of the few independent nations that is too young to legally consume alcohol in most places. Luckily, I'm pretty sure its location constitutes international waters, meaning that Palau is also allowed to gamble and marry other nations of the same sex. The population is around 20,000 (or a little less than that of Laramie, Wyoming, if that sounds more impressive). The capital is Ngerulmud, which has a smaller population than any other national capital and can only be pronounced properly by someone who is having a stroke.

"Hey, any ideas for our flag?"
"How about a big yellow dot, slightly off-center, on a field of blue?"
"Yeah! But not regular blue. Like, 'Miami Vice' blue."
"You're a goddamn genius, you know that?"
"Yes. Yes I do."

Pakistan

2010-12-20T22:20:00.000-08:00

Pakistan is a South Asian nation located in what is typically considered to be one of the best parts in the world to have a really sad life. Pakistan gained its independence in 1947 when the British Empire finally gave up on its crazy dream of having just one of its occupations end without countless years of ethnic violence (well, nobody's perfect). Today, Pakistan has the second-largest Muslim population in the world and is the only Muslim majority nation with a nuclear arsenal, which the United States has allowed the Pakistani military to have as long as they at least sort of pretend not to be harboring or selling weapons to members of the Taliban. As the saying goes, "The enemy of my enemy is my so-and-so." Pakistan shares a long and porous border with war-torn Afghanistan, but can always threaten to blast India off the map if its people need quick and easy access to a war zone on the other side of the country. The national motto is "Unity, Discipline, Faith," which won out narrowly over "We haven't ended the world yet, and that's probably a good sign." Pakistan's capital is Islamabad, its largest city is Karachi and its chief export is paranoia.

I don't remember this guy's name, but he may or may not live in Pakistan now.

Oman

2010-12-18T16:45:00.000-08:00

Oman is a country and a 1976 horror film directed by Richard Donner that isn't as scary as it used to be and a 2006 remake that I haven't seen but probably wasn't that scary to begin with. Located in the Middle East, Oman is the birthplace of the popular cliché "Stuck between Saudi Arabia and hundreds of miles of gorgeous Arabian Sea coastline." Oman also shares borders with Yemen, which I don't know anything about, and United Arab Emirates, which is the one that has the indoor ski hill. Its capital, Muscat, has a human history dating back to the Stone Age and was mentioned as early as the 000s by Pliny the Elder, who described it as "A nice enough place, but good luck finding as much as a Quizno's there." The head of state is Sultan Qaboos bin Said al Said, who lent his name to Oman's Grand Mosque in 2001 because he hates America. Most people have never heard of Oman because it doesn't have as much oil as Saudi Arabia and, as mentioned before, it lacks an indoor ski hill.

Muscat: Pretty enough, but lacking in restaurant chains that fill me with a sense of familiarity and comfort.

Northern Ireland

2010-12-16T14:52:00.000-08:00

Northern Ireland (or Ulster, if you have an accent that makes you difficult to take seriously) is a country presumably located somewhere in the northern portion of Ireland. The delinquent child in the family that is the United Kingdom, Northern Ireland has been the site of centuries' worth of arguments (the kind with bombs ["bombguments"]) over whether or not to be British. The 1800 Acts of Union made Ireland a part of the United Kingdom, leading to years of armed conflict between Protestants, who had always thought the Irish language looked stupid in print, and Irish Catholics, who believed that England should have asked nicely first. In 1920, the island was partitioned into Northern Ireland and Ireland Classic™ with the former remaining a part of the United Kingdom. In typical fashion, this resolved almost nothing. In the 1960s, Northern Ireland entered a bold new era of ethnic violence that lasted until 1998 when Bill Clinton put a stop to it by being awesome. This period is known as "The Troubles." Leave it to the British to make a long and bloody ethno-political conflict sound like something from a children's book.

The Giant's Causeway, shown here being climbed on by naked alien woman-things, is located in Northern Ireland.

Norway

2010-12-14T14:41:00.000-08:00

Norway is a nation in northern Europe that is such an awful socialist hellhole that it has continued to prosper throughout the recent financial crisis, with its krøne currently standing as one of the world's most stable currencies. Aside from this, one of the main reasons why everybody wishes they were Norwegian is because if they were, they would be gorgeous and tall and could probably beat you up, but wouldn't need to in order to feel good about themselves. Norway has a history of conquest that has left them feeling so secure in their masculinity that they've pretty much retired from going to war with people. More than a thousand years ago, the Vikings used to sail from Norway to Iceland, Ireland and Great Britain on their awesome boats in order to set villages on fire and make women pregnant (this is the only reason why there are any attractive people in England). Norwegians also became the first Europeans to discover North America when Leif Ericsson landed in Canada or Massachusetts or something almost 500 years before that douche Christopher Columbus was even born. Most people don't know that (Author's Note: Most people are stupid). The main reason for this is because Ericsson decided not to stick around once he got here. See, his homeland looked like this and he just frankly didn't get what the big deal was.

Seriously guys, holy shit.

Nigeria

2010-12-07T17:30:00.000-08:00

Nigeria is the most populous nation in Africa, the eighth-most populous in the world and probably the most tastefully named country on the Niger River. Nigeria has a human history that dates back as far as 9,000 B.C. and is a terrific place to dig for tribal art, make cheap reproductions of it, then place these in prominent locations throughout your living room so you'll look sophisticated and/or culturally tolerant. Nigeria has been home to a wide variety of rival ethnic groups who, during the early years of European colonization, used to play a lot of mean-spirited (and only kind of funny) practical jokes like selling each other into slavery. Nigeria gained its independence from the United Kingdom in 1960 and then descended into civil war in a shocking development that ran completely contrary to the well-known sociological maxim that a diverse country with a history of ethnic conflict and no institutionalized government will be totally fine if you just leave it to its own devices. Violence against the Igbo tribe of eastern Nigeria led to the 1967 secession of the Republic of Biafra and the ensuing Nigerian-Biafran "War." Nigeria won in the end, but things might have turned out differently if Biafra had only had weapons or food or, you know, any of the things that you should probably have in a war.

The Republic of Biafra: Like Rocky, except with the alternate ending where Apollo Creed knocks him out within the first 30 seconds, and then murders most of the Italian-Americans in Philadelphia.

Niger

2010-12-05T11:39:00.000-08:00

Niger is a country in West Africa whose name bears a striking resemblance to a highly offensive racial slur. Oh man, isn't that hilarious? I think it is. I'm just gonna spend the rest of this entry just congratulating myself for making that connection (Author's Note: No I'm not. I like to think that I have a little more imagination and intellectual curiosity than that [you asshole]). Niger is actually named for the Niger River, which may not be very funny but it does provide what little water is available in a nation that is made almost entirely out of hot sand and despair. Since gaining independence in 1956, Niger has been in a state of almost constant political upheaval, changing its constitution about as frequently as my old roommate used to change his underpants (about once every ten years). Niger is currently run by a junta about as old as this blog, having been founded following a coup in February of this year. It is run by the Supreme Council for the Restoration of Democracy, which I did not research but I assume it's basically some kind of really low-rent West African Illuminati.

Former president Mamadou Tandja probably made a face kind of like this when he was deposed earlier this year.

Nicaragua

2010-12-04T16:31:00.000-08:00

Nicaragua is the largest country in Central America and the largest country in the world whose name ends with -aragua. Nicaragua is unique for a number of reasons, foremost of which is the fact that, unlike any other nation, its surface is composed entirely of volcanoes and coffee beans. First colonized in the 1500s when the Spanish Empire wasn't showing a great deal of restraint or discretion, Nicaragua became an area of increased international interest in the 19th century, when European traders wanted to get from the Atlantic to the Pacific but were too lazy to sail around the tip of South America or invent the airplane. In 1856, Nicaragua was conquered by William Walker, a filibuster(er?) from Tennessee who didn't stop being a total butthole to everybody until 1860, when he was executed in Honduras. Nicaragua still owes the Hondurans a solid for that one. The next American to butthole around in Nicaragua was Ronald Reagan, who didn't have many hobbies and thought it would be fun to blow their stuff up good in 1981. That's what you get for being communists or for considering being communists. Apparently it worked, because if it hadn't, we'd all be speaking Russian by now (Author's Note: Trust me, I know how international affairs work). In 1990 Nicaragua elected Violeta Chamorro to the presidency, becoming only the second country in the world to elect a female president, after Iceland, which doesn't count.

During her presidency, Violeta Chamorro confounded all expectations by not starting a war every month when she was on her period. It's almost as if that's a stupid argument and not even really a funny joke. Why did I write it here if it's not funny, you ask? Touche.

New Zealand

2010-12-02T16:54:00.001-08:00

New Zealand is an enchanted island nation located in the south Pacific consisting primarily of two islands known respectively as the North Island and (wait for it) the South Island. New Zealand also lays claim to the Ross Dependency of Antarctica, which would seem kind of desperate coming from any other country, but for some reason is kind of adorable when the New Zealanders do it. It might be the accents, but it's probably something more arbitrary than that (Author's Note: I am, after all, a ridiculous man who is prone to inexplicable flights of whimsy). Due to New Zealand's geographical isolation, the islands are home to many kinds of wildlife not found anywhere else, such as hobbits and King Kong. Like the dodo and many other stupid island creatures, several of New Zealand's endemic species were easily wiped out, or extinctified, upon the arrival of white settlers (bringing the total score to something like White Settlers: 12,000,096 | Rare Species: 0). The settlers failed, however, to do as thorough a job on the native Mãori people, who still constitute 15% of the country's total population. People from New Zealand are known colloquially as "Kiwis" due to their tough, furry skins and delicious, green innards.

The Haast's Eagle and the Moa are both extinct now. Like they say - "If you can't take the heat, get out of your native habitat."

Netherlands

2010-12-01T15:49:00.000-08:00

The Netherlands (known as Holland by people who don't know that it's really called the Netherlands [i.e. idiots]) is a central European country that was one of the first parliamentary democracies and has a rich cultural history but is best known for its cheese, wooden shoes, marijuana and prostitutes (not necessarily in that order). Some famous people from the Netherlands include Anne Frank, Hieronymous Bosch and Vincent Van Gogh. Based on this sample group, one can draw the assumption that two-thirds of all Dutch people are totally bonkers. The Netherlands's's's capital, The Hague, is home to several international organizations, including the International Court of Justice and the International Criminal Court, which are apparently different things. This has led to its being known as "the legal capital of the world" by people who think that makes them sound smart (it doesn't). Basically, if you want to go on vacation someplace where you can see a real live war criminal, The Hague is your best bet. Other popular Dutch pastimes (apart from the aforementioned drugs and/or whores) include bicycling, which you've probably heard of, and mudflat hiking, which involves putting on some sturdy boots and just walking retarded distances along a coastline that kinda resembles the Molasses Swamp from Candyland.

Dutch people have way too much time on their hands.

Nepal

2010-11-27T17:02:00.000-08:00

Nepal is a country located in south Asia between China and India, forming the middle of a sandwich with way too much bread and not nearly enough meat. Despite being the original birthplace of the Buddha (the guy Keanu Reeves played in this stupid movie), Nepal shows a disturbing lack of local pride by being a majority Hindu country. Because of its geographical position high in the Himalayas, much of Nepal is too cold for me to be interested in ever going there (Author's Note: Plus, instead of English, they speak something stupid called Nepalese). Nepal is home to many of the world's highest mountains, including Mount Everest, the world's highest peak and one of the best places for a white person to die a pointless, but manly death. The capital is Kathmandu and the national motto is "Mother and Motherland Are Greater Than Heaven" or, to save time, "Mother and Motherland > Heaven." That's a math joke, you guys!

Nepal is the only country in the world that only has half of a flag. If they think it looks cool, they are incorrect.

Nauru

2010-11-26T16:53:00.000-08:00

Nauru is an island nation located in the south Pacific Ocean. Notable for being the first country in the some 120 entries I've written so far not to require any effort on my part to be hilarious, Nauru is the smallest, saddest, and brokest island nation in the world. Throughout most of the 20th century, Nauru's economy depended primarily on strip mining seagull shit for its phosphate content (I'm not kidding). In the eighties, Nauru's phosphate supply completely ran out. In addition to exhausting its only useful natural resource, the mining methods used to extract the phosphate completely destroyed the island's natural ecosystem. Desperate for cash, the government managed to blow even more money on a number of bad investments including a short-lived musical based on the life of Leonardo da Vinci (I'm still not kidding). Nauru's only airline went out of business in 2005, leaving it completely cut off from the outside world for about nine months. Nauru has a population of about 14,000 people, which is about 14,000 more than it's capable of supporting. Seriously you guys. It's not getting any better. Take the hint already.

If every country was this pathetic, my job would be a lot easier.

Namibia

2010-11-15T12:57:00.000-08:00

Namibia is a country in southwest Africa where two million people live, but there is way more space available if you're interested (act now!). The nation is named for the Namib Desert, which is the oldest desert in the world, having been a really unpopular place for living things to exist for about the past 55 million years. Namibia was inhabited for centuries by various nomadic peoples before the Bantu people inexplicably decided to live there permanently in the 14th century. Namibia became a German colony in 1884, after almost every other European empire had passed on it. In 1904 the Germans discovered a new hobby when two local tribes, the Herero and Namaqua, started a violent uprising against the colonial government. It was during this period that Germany first claimed the title World Champions of Ethnic Cleansing, which they went on to hold for the better part of the 20th century (Author's Note: Yikes. Sorry guys, there are only so many funny things you can say about genocide). Following Germany's exit, Namibia spent a couple decades under the thumb of South Africa ( who really had little to gain from the arrangement and were just being what most historians describe as "total A-holes") before becoming an independent nation in 1988.

It's been at least 55 million years since there was a good reason to live in Namibia.

Mozambique

2010-11-11T17:00:00.001-08:00

Mozambique is a southeastern African country which first gained marginal historical relevance in 1498, when a white person named Vasco da Gama (a Portuguese name translating approximately to "Beardy McBeardface") first hit the Indian Ocean. Thus began 400-some-odd years of benevolent Portuguese rule under the catchy slogan "Take yer gold out of the ground and put it in our boats for us. Please?" This lasted until the 1960s when, as usual, communism ruined a sweet deal for everyone. In 1964, the Front for the Liberation of So on and So Forth (or FRELETCETERA) started a guerrilla war against the Portuguese occupation, leading to Mozambique's independence in 1975. This led to the start of the Mozambican Civil War in 1977, when shooting each other started to become really fashionable. This fad, which appeared at first to be unsustainable, surprised everybody by lasting all the way until 1992. Things have gotten a lot better since then, although Mozambican hipsters have recently started massacring each other ironically.

Beardy McBeardface

Morocco

2010-11-09T16:14:00.000-08:00

Morocco is a North African country where a lot of people speak French, which I think is neat (Author's Note: No I don't). During its heady days as a French protectorate, Morocco was a pretty cool place to be French and a pretty terrible place to be Moroccan. In 1953, the French exiled Sultan Mohamed V to Madagascar. Unlike "Rocky V," Mohamed V was not generally thought to be a really bad movie with a terrible climax (honestly, what kind of boxing movie ends with a fight next to some trash cans behind a bar?), and his exile provoked the uprising of a Moroccan nationalist movement. To his annoyance, Mohamed V was returned to Morocco in 1955, just when he had started to get used to the climate, discover some really neat bars and restaurants and really build his own social circle in Madagascar. Morocco achieved independence the following year, but stuck with the king on account of their old-school sensibilities. In the seventies, Morocco annexed neighboring Western Sahara because there is so much great stuff there.

The current king of Morocco is Mohamed Balboa.

Montenegro

2010-10-27T16:55:00.000-07:00

Montenegro is a former Yugoslav republic located on the Adriatic coast. The name, meaning "black mountain," is Italian or something, reflecting the fact that the Serbian equivalent, Crna Gora, looks really stupid on paper. Of course, modern Montenegro was originally part of someplace called Duklja (What? [Exactly.]), so I guess everything's relative. Montenegro has gone through a number of political changes throughout its history, having been a metropolitanate, a principality, a kingdom, a socialist republic, a federal republic, and I think a kingdom again over the course of the past couple centuries. Jesus guys, will you make up your minds? In fact, I'm calling bullshit on metropolitanate. That word is marked as being misspelled every time I type it. And I'm an excellent speller. Pretty sure it's not even a real thing. Since the breakup of Yugoslavia, Montenegro has been having a relatively nice time, experiencing a high enough level of development that, if they're lucky, France might start letting them sit at the cool kids' table pretty soon.

From 1860 to 1910, Montenegro was ruled by King Nicholas I who, judging by this picture, also doubled as the country's entire military.

Mongolia

2010-10-21T18:47:00.000-07:00

Mongolia is probably my favorite Paul Thomas Anderson film, for which Tom Cruise fully deserved to win Best Supporting Actor in 2000 (but didn't, because the Academy Awards are stupid). A landlocked country in central Asia with Russia to the north and China to the south, Mongolia forms the geographical meat of a sandwich that has communists instead of bread. Much of the country is made up of steppes, which are dry areas of land that could be deserts if they only had the gumption (they don't, but in this case it would be difficult to blame the Academy Awards). Almost a third of the Mongolian population is nomadic, which contributes to a recent statistic positing that Mongolians see more depressing landscape per capita than any other nationality (even Utahans). The most famous Mongolian ever was Genghis Khan, considered to be one of history's biggest and most innovative assholes. The second-most famous Mongolian ever is not famous enough for me to have heard of him or her. The capital, Ulaanbaatar, was first founded in the early 17th century, but kept getting moved around until 1778, before which all of its residents presumably lived in trailer homes. Mongolia is also home to the Mongolian Death Worm, (the local version of Sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster, or Joseph Stalin) a probably fictional but hopefully real thing native to the Gobi Desert that can kill you just by looking at you, or something.

Just in case you were having trouble finding a reason not to go to the Gobi Desert.

Monaco

2010-10-21T17:55:00.000-07:00

Monaco is a city-state located on the French Riviera, not nearly far enough from the Italian border. A constitutional monarchy, Monaco has been ruled by the Genoese House of Grimaldi since the late 13th century, but its national sovereignty was first recognized in 1861 by the French, who decided the city-state was "not quite gay enough." France does, however, remain responsible for defense, which is good, because if there's one country I want in charge of making sure nobody blows up any parts of me, it's France (Get it? Because France is a country that is stereotypically bad at being in wars! [Author's Note: Pretty much this entire entry is going to be jokes about the French because I am lazy. Let's see if I can work a baguette reference in here somewhere]). Monaco is notable for being the smallest country in the world that does not have a Pope living in it somewhere. The capital/entire country is Monte Carlo. There is a casino there, but that's most likely the only thing it has in common with Deadwood, South Dakota. Monégasque people probably eat baguettes sometimes (Author's Note: Yesssss!).

The Pope is among the more prominent people not living in Monaco.

Moldova

2010-10-16T14:05:00.000-07:00

Moldova is an eastern European country located between Romania and Ukraine, where the wheat is plentiful and everyone talks like vampires (not "Twilight" vampires either. Badass vampires). Moldova is named after the Moldova River which, as the legend goes, was named after a prince's dog who was chasing after some sort of primitive cow-thing when it fell in said river and drowned. Ergo, Moldova is named after a stupid dog who couldn't swim. Like many countries in the area, Moldova has a long and proud history of being conquered by whatever roaming barbarian horde happened to be trendy at the time. These included the Goths, Huns, Magyars, and numerous other groups that also sound like they might be mutant sub-groups from X-Men. Having gained independence from the Soviet Union in 1991, Moldova remains home to a strongly supported communist party. The key difference from the Soviet years is that nobody else really cares anymore.

Moldova lays claim to a strip of land along the shore of the Dniester River known as Transnistria, which both sounds like and is a fake country.

Micronesia

2010-09-23T23:27:00.000-07:00

The Federated States of Micronesia is an island nation in the Pacific Ocean which, like many island nations in the Pacific Ocean, is probably not worth the time or effort it'll take to write this entry (admittedly not very much to begin with). Much of Micronesia was once ruled by the Saudeleur, a mighty(ish) empire built around the island of Yap. The Saudeleur capital was Nan Madol, a now-ruined city off the shore of Pohnpei, which is apparently referred to by some as the Venice of the Pacific, a title which is a lot more impressive if you don't realize that the only requirement for being the Venice of something is that the city be impossible to navigate without a canoe. Micronesia became an independent state in 1986, but still has an economy based largely on the United States mailing it a giant check every year.

Micronesia's most famous residents include Cthulu, a cosmic being of unspeakable evil who used to rent an apartment in Nan Madol.

Mexico

2010-09-22T16:21:00.000-07:00

Mexico is a North American nation, the Americas' fifth-largest by area and home to the world's largest Mexican-speaking population. Mexico has a long and rich history, with evidence of human presence dating back as far as 21,000 BC (or: 17,000 years before Jesus invented the universe). More recently, Mexico was home to great civilizations like the Aztecs, whose kings used to eat human hearts and draw blood from their scrotums in their spare time, and the Mayans, who are going to look really dumb if any of us are still alive in 2013. These cultures dominated modern-day Mexico until the arrival of Hernán Cortés, a Spaniard who was annoyed with the lack of opportunities to indiscriminately murder people in his homeland. During his conquest of the Aztecs, Cortés also succeeded in popularizing smallpox, which was all the rage in the 1520s. A more sustainable trend was Catholicism, which remains popular in Mexico to this day. This backfired in 1810, when an uppity priest named Miguel began an uprising for Mexican independence, to which the Spaniards replied "Okay, we'll leave in like ten years, but first we're gonna shoot you." And they did. The first Mexican Constitution was drafted in 1824, but that didn't last long before it was dissolved by Santa Anna, a rotten dude who also killed Davy Crockett. Mexico gave the whole constitution thing another go in 1917 and it seems to have at least sort of stuck this time around. This development (and NAFTA) notwithstanding, Mexico is currently a scary place, rife with tumult, uncertainty, and things similar to tumult and uncertainty, in which you're about as likely to be employed as you are to be beheaded and abandoned in the desert.

Mexico's primary resources include natural gas and good times for drunk white people.

Mauritius

2010-09-21T18:14:00.000-07:00

Mauritius is an island nation located in the Indian Ocean east of Madagascar. Though known of as early as the tenth century (Author's Note: You guys, that's a MILLENNIUM ago!), the island remained uninhabited for the next 700 years before anyone thought of a particularly compelling reason to live there. In 1638, the Dutch were the first to settle the island, establishing a settlement on Mauritius for no real reason other than the fact that it was not made of salt water. The shitty climate and isolated location gave these early settlers some pretty immediate buyer's remorse, but the Dutch hung around for awhile because they had some serious codependency issues and just weren't all that bright. In the end, they packed up all their Dutch stuff and got out of Dutch Dodge in 1710. People live there again now though, I guess. Like a million of 'em. I'm not sure who they are, or what their deal is.

Mauritius was the only known home of the dodo, an extinct bird whose existence served only to prove that God has a really mean sense of humor.

Mauritania

2010-09-14T17:55:00.000-07:00

Mauritania is a Muslim, Arabic-speaking country in north Africa whose name is derived from the Latin word "Mauri," which comes from the English term "Moors" - not this guy. Despite a rather healthy oil reserve discovered off the country's Atlantic coastline in 2001, Mauritania remains a very poor country, with about a fifth of the population living on under $1.25 a day. I know, right? It's like, don't they realize that that's not nearly enough? Jeez. The first president was Ould Daddah, who annexed the southern portion of Western Sahara as part of a diabolical plot to corner the international market for rocks and dirt. His overthrow in 1978 established military coups as Mauritania's national pastime. They were all the rage until 1984, when Ould Taya took control of the country and declared "Relative political stability is the new constant upheaval." A 2005 coup brought fear and uncertainty back into style. That coup worked out so well that Mohamed Ould Abdel Aziz decided to try another one in 2008.

Mauritania's presidency has changed hands eight times in the time it took to write this entry.

Marshall Islands

2010-09-14T17:25:00.000-07:00

The Marshall Islands is an island nation in the Pacific Ocean. Boy, that sounds interesting, doesn't it? Wait, there's more! The Marshall Islands were originally settled in the 2nd millennium BC by Micronesians, who had way too much time on their hands. Literally nothing else happened between then and 1526, when the islands were stumbled upon by Alonso Salazar, a doomed Spanish explorer who was probably in no way excited to have been the first European to discover the Marshall Islands. If anything, he probably said something like "Oh look, an island that we did not previously know was there. Let's name it something and get outta here." He named it San Bartolome, after the patron saint of honestly not caring at all. In 1788, and English captain, John Marshall, arrived and named the islands after himself. For some reason, that's the name the stuck. After that, some other stuff happened.

Following World War II, the United States used the Marshall Islands' Bikini Atoll to practice blowing shit up on. The results have been documented in Wes Craven's horror classic, "The Marshall Islands Have Eyes."

Malta

2010-09-12T18:41:00.000-07:00

Malta is a European nation comprised by a handful of islands in the Mediterranean. Due to its strategic location due south of Sicily, Malta has been a military stronghold throughout history for numerous empires who were hoping for a good look at what those sneaky Italians were up to and, on occasion, for those sneaky Italians, who are just kind of narcissistic if you ask me. Throughout the 19th century, Malta's economy was based on cotton, shipbuilding, and "what dreams are made of" (Author's Note: That's a Humphrey Bogart reference. Ask your parents). The latter resource is no longer available, owing to the events of World War II, when the Maltese archipelago got blowed up real good and flooded the Mediterranean with dreams (it took years for the southern European fishing industry to recover). Malta has a rich religious history, thought by many Christian scholars to be a place where St. John once went by accident when he was shipwrecked on his way to, I dunno, the Cannes Film Festival or something. Malta is also home to the Megalithic Temples, the oldest free-standing structures in Europe.

The Megalithic Temples were built more than 3000 years before the invention of Jesus Christ, so it pretty much goes without saying that whoever built them is in Hell now. Whoops.

Mali

2010-09-12T17:52:00.000-07:00

Mali is a west African nation with a population of about 14.5 million folks, most of whom live in the southwestern portion of the country (also known as "the part that is not so much a terrible terrible desert"). Named for the "great" Mali Empire, which used to be hot shit way back in the day but is now not even a thing, Mali is a former French colony and one of the best places to go if you're into awesome shimmery robes. Despite being one of the poorest countries in the world, Mali has seen a great deal of economic growth over the past fifteen years, experiencing an annual GDP increase of 17.6% (which is apparently quite a lot). This has inspired the national motto, "Un peuple, un but, une foi," which is French for "Don't call it a comeback; we've been here all along." Mali's capital is Bamako, but a better-known Malian city is Timbuktu, which you probably thought was just a colloquial synonym for "Kingdom Come" or "A Significant Distance from Here" and not actually a real place. Think again (you are dumb).

Timbuktu (a real place).

Maldives

2010-08-14T18:32:00.000-07:00

Maldives: Pros vs Cons

PRO: Easy access to a wide variety of sea creatures
CON: No access whatsoever to literally anything else
PRO: Lots of good places to swim
CON: Lots of good places to drown
PRO: High point of 7'7" above sea level, good confidence boost for novice mountaineers
CON: Having your entire town destroyed by an eight-foot swell
PRO: Warm climate
CON: Global warming
PRO: Beautiful vacation spot
CON: Get there soon, 'cause it'll be underwater within the next few months

The capital is Malé. It will soon be overrun by merpeople.

Malaysia

2010-08-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

Malaysia is a country in southeast Asia consisting of Malaysian Borneo (located on the northern portion of, you guessed it, Borneo) and Peninsular Malaysia (which, when highlighted on a map, makes the Malay peninsula appear to be wearing a sock). Though east and west Malaysia are currently separated by the South China Sea, works are underway to connect the two with a really huge series of ziplines. Okay, so I just made that up, but it would be totally badass if it were true. Malaysia is considered to be a megadiverse country (probably not nearly as cool as it sounds) by whoever decides which countries are considered to be whatever that is. A former British colony, Malaysia gained its independence from those limey such-and-suches in 1957 and has since become something of an economic powerhouse in its own right, now possessing a top-notch infrastructure (despite its notorious dearth of ziplines) and even its own space program (Author's Note: Wow Malaysia, that's awesome! Maybe someday you could do something really momentous, like going to the moon or something! Hahaha, just kidding. Seriously though, you guys are adorable).

The capital, Kuala Lumpur, is home to the Petronas Towers, which used to be the tallest buildings in the world, but now they're not, so nobody cares anymore.

Malawi

2010-08-12T16:39:00.000-07:00

Malawi (from a Latin term meaning "bad awi") is a landlocked country bordering Mozambique in southeastern Africa. Its residents lived their miserable lives in abject, hopeless savagery until 1859, when British explorer David Livingstone came from the north, bringing with him the shining light of European civilization. Thanks in part to the steadfastly ambivalent efforts of the British colonial service, what was once not a country at all has now gone on to be consistently ranked as one of the most fucked nations on the planet (you're welcome). Malawi has one of the highest population densities in the world, but its population is mainly rural, and the bulk of its economy is based on agriculture. Its chief products include tobacco, sugarcane, and HIV/AIDS (unfortunately, demand for the latter has steadily decreased over the course of recent decades, while supply hasn't waned significantly).

Here's Malawi. God is pointing an enormous sniper rifle at the capital, Lilongwe.

Madagascar

2010-08-11T15:43:00.000-07:00

Madagascar is a nation located off the southeastern coast of Africa, on a turd-shaped island of the same name. Which came first, you ask, the country or the island? The island, of course. By like, millions of years. Stop trying to over-complicate things (Author's Note: You are a dick). Madagascar was first settled sometime after 200 A.D., by Austronesian sailors who canoed there from southeast Asia. You see, there wasn't any television in those days, and people had to make their own fun. The Austronesians were later followed by Muslim dynasties, Portuguese explorers and communist pirates (swear to gawd), among other things. Madagascar has an extremely diverse ecosystem, with 80% of its native plants and animals not found anywhere else. When I read that, I was picturing the island from King Kong, but so far my research hasn't uncovered any mention of dinosaurs. What a ripoff.

Tsingy de Bemaraha Nature Reserve, named for a Malagasy term meaning "rocks that are pointier than the average rock."

Macedonia

2010-08-10T16:53:00.000-07:00

The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia (so named as a result of a copyright dispute with neighboring Greece [for a brief time, FYR Macedonia was designated only by an unpronounceable symbol that looked kind of like a stick figure doing a jumping jack (no particular significance, they just thought it looked cool)]) is a nation in southern Europe that has a much harder time ignoring Serbia than most of us. Once a part of ancient Paeonia, which I've never heard of, Macedonia was later conquered by the Ottoman Empire, which sounds at least reasonably familiar to me. In 1910, Macedonia produced its most famous native of the 20th century: Mother Teresa, who was not, in fact, anybody's mother, but rather a nun of Albanian descent who was charitable as hell and probably smelled terrific. Following the dissolution of the Ottoman Empire, Macedonia became a part of Yugoslavia, but they'd probably rather I didn't talk about that period because it really didn't work out for anybody.

At 66 meters, the Millennium Cross in Skopje, Macedonia is the world's largest cross. If I were the world's largest heretic, I'd steer clear of Macedonia.

Luxembourg

2010-08-10T16:11:00.000-07:00

Luxembourg is a very small country in western Europe, but I think it would also make a pretty good name for an ocean-dwelling supervillain from the DC Comics universe (as in: "Cower before Luxembourg, Lord of the Sea!"). Actually, Luxembourg is basically the exact opposite of what I just described, being completely landlocked and not at all accustomed to having things cower before it. Along with Belgium and the Netherlands, Luxembourg is a member of Benelux, which sounds like a medication whose commercials depict people kayaking and skipping through fields and such, but is actually a trade union/support group for the countries that are traditionally conquered first whenever there's a European land war. The head of state is a dude named Henri Albert Gabriel Félix Marie Guillaume. He's a Grand Duke, which sounds impressive but really isn't that tough of a job (although that might just be sour grapes on my part).

The capital city, also called Luxembourg, is similarly lacking in aquatic superpowers.

Lithuania

2010-07-25T17:05:00.001-07:00

What can I say about Lithuania that hasn't already been said? A lot, probably, because I very rarely hear anyone talk about Lithuania. Located in northern Europe, Lithuania is the southernmost of the three Baltic states (characterized by many as "the sensitive one" [Author's Note: I've been told that Estonia is "the funny one," but I guess everything's relative.]). In 1990, Lithuania became the first Soviet state to gain independence. The Soviets, apparently having nothing better to do, responded with an economic blockade, then killed 14 civilians in an ill-fated attempt to destroy Lithuanian television (or something). The Lithuanian capital, Vilnius, was named European Capital of Culture for 2009. Paris, eat your heart out.

Vytautas the Great, a medieval king of Lithuania, looks awfully smug here for someone who's been dead for 600 years.

Liechtenstein

2010-07-24T11:24:00.000-07:00

Liechtenstein, located in the Swiss Alps of western Europe, is either a hilariously tiny nation or a really enormous studio apartment, depending on how you look at it. I think that's one of those glass-half-full/glass-half-empty things. The official demonym for residents of Liechtenstein is Liechtensteiner, but I wouldn't worry too much about remembering that because there are only about 35,000 of them, and even if you do eventually happen to meet one, you can get some pretty hilarious reactions out of them by continually referring to them as Germans, regardless of how many times they correct you. Like neighboring Switzerland, Liechtenstein remained officially neutral during World War II. This came as a huge relief to the Nazis, who were ill-equipped to fight an alpine war against an imaginary army. Today, Liechtenstein has the highest GDP per person in the world, and an unemployment rate of, well, apparently there are only 209 unemployed people in all of Liechtenstein. Imagine being one of the 209 unemployed people in your entire country. That's gotta be depressing.

Vaduz Castle, where the Prince of Liechtenstein probably makes all kinds of super-important decisions.

Libya

2010-07-23T16:11:00.000-07:00

The Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya is a big ol' nation located in north Africa on the southern shore of the Mediterranean Sea. Its primary export is sand, of which it has hundreds of varieties, each of them sandier than the last (well, as long as you list them in order from least sandy to sandiest). Libya holds a place of prominence on any well-respected historian's list of things ruined by Italian people in the 20th century, having been colonized by those dudes right around the start of World War I. The Italians spread many aspects of their culture to Libya during the interwar years; in particular, dying in forced labor camps became a very popular pastime for local Bedouins during this period. Since 1969 Libya's government has been a Jamahiriya (a goofy made-up word for something like a socialist republic [not to be confused with Jamiroquai, a goofy made-up word for a '90s acid jazz group from London]) led by Muammar al-Gaddafi, a saggy old lady with a penchant for funny hats.

The Libyan flag is a green field with no distinguishing features, symbolizing the nation's proud tradition of creative bankruptcy.

Liberia

2010-07-22T18:32:00.000-07:00

Liberia is a small African country that is unique among west African nations for having never had a bunch of Eurotrash show up and start telling it what to do. Now I know what you're thinking: "But what about Ghana?" Nope. Ghana was colonized by the British, remember? Idiot. Now you're probably thinking "Okay, but what about Cameroon?" Uh, no, they were colonized by the French. Just shut up, okay? Thanks. Liberia was originally founded in 1821 by the American Colonial Society, a group of folks who thought that black people might not want to be slaves anymore, but also didn't want them moving into their neighborhoods and driving down the property values. With that in mind, former slaves were sent to live in Liberia, and everyone was happy, except for the west African natives already living there, who were like "Who the hell are all these people?" Liberia has retained numerous cultural ties to the United States, as evidenced by their flag, which is just barely original enough to prevent Betsy Ross's heirs from suing their asses into the ground.

In 1980, Samuel Doe and his enormous eyeglasses led a successful military coup and proceeded to act like a total dick for the next ten years or so. In 1990, he was tortured and executed by the leader of a rival faction. This experience taught him an important lesson.

Lesotho

2010-07-21T16:57:00.000-07:00

Lesotho is a nation of some two million citizens surrounded on all sides by South Africa. It is the southernmost landlocked country in the world, and presumably there's someone out there who thinks that's an interesting fact. (Author's Note: Not me though. I couldn't possibly care less.) Lesotho's national languages are English and Sesotho, and its name is Sesotho for "Land of the people who speak Sesotho." There's probably a joke to be made about how that's not a very original name, but it's pretty hot out today and I really can't be bothered. Despite being one of the most impoverished and AIDS-ridden nations on the planet, Lesotho's constitutional monarchy is pretty decent in terms of civil liberties, allowing for freedoms of speech and the press, or as it's written in the Mosotho constitution: "Say what you want. You still gotta live here."

The capital is Maseru, a city that none of you have ever heard of before. I swear it's real though. Seriously. Look it up.

Lebanon

2010-06-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

Lebanon is a primarily Arab country located on the eastern shores of the Mediterranean Sea. In ancient times, Lebanon was the homeland of the Phoenicians, a society of Mediterranean fishermen who vanished for several centuries before later reappearing in central Arizona, where they now run a series of successful glasses manufacturers (like ya do). Lebanon enjoyed considerable prosperity throughout much of the 20th century, often being referred to as "the Switzerland of the East" for its thriving banking industry; its capital, Beirut, was known as "the Paris of the Middle East" for its annoying plethora of local mimes. Of course, the mimes were the first to go when the Lebanese Civil War broke out in 1975. Don't let that fool you though, 'cause it wasn't all gravy. For one thing, Lebanon had an even worse 1982 than the rest of us - while most regular dudes were having a hard enough time just coping with Tommy Tutone and the death of Henry Fonda, the Lebanese were getting totally rolled on by the Israeli army. This resulted in the rise of Hezbollah, a militia named for an Arabic term meaning "A Bunch of Dudes with Mean Senses of Humor." To this very day, Hezbollah remains at the forefront of making people nervous.

Hezbollah have done pretty well for themselves, despite having no idea how to hold that gun correctly

Latvia

2010-06-23T15:56:00.000-07:00

Latvia is a northern European nation where I would recommend going if you want to vacation in Europe, but you don't want to spend much money or have any fun at all. Being the hardest-hit of any European nation by the recent financial meltdown, exacerbated by a tumultuous change of leadership in 2009, Latvia has not been heard from in about ten months, but most experts posit that the locals not fortunate enough to own a reinforced basement or shed are currently locked in a constant death struggle in the streets of towns such as Riga, the capital. Though few actually believe the Latvians to have resorted to eating human flesh for sustenance as of this posting, many agree that it's "just a matter of time," especially given the exceptionally cruel winters which may or may not often occur there (Author's Note: If you think I have time for the weather conditions of northern Europe, you are dead wrong because I do not.). In short, life in Latvia is probably no more than 20% better than it was under the Soviet Union.

Latvian president Valdis Zatlers: missing, presumed dead.

Laos

2010-06-21T14:33:00.000-07:00

Laos! (often spelled [incorrectly] without the exclamation point) is a country in southeast Asia where many of the people are Laotian and almost as many live in crippling poverty, which many human rights organizations have categorized as a Class 1 Bummer. Laotian heritage dates back to the Kingdom of a Million Elephants, established in the 14th century, but don't let that fool you - the average Laotian is actually rather unlikely to be crushed to death. So they've got that going for them, I guess. Along with neighboring Cambodia and Vietnam, Laos! was part of French Indochina until World War II, when the French reluctantly gave up on their benevolent efforts to teach southeast Asia a thing or two about wine. The capital is Vientiane, a city in the Mekong valley whose name means "City of Sandalwood." As such, the whole place smells just like one of those scented candles. It's pretty awesome.

Vientiane: Lao for "smells fuckin' great!"

Kyrgyzstan

2010-06-15T21:36:00.002-07:00

Kyrgyzstan is a central Asian country populated primarily by a people known as the Kyrgyz, which many experts consider to be a funny-sounding word. Formerly part of the Soviet Union (the part that they conquered and then basically forgot about), Kyrgyzstan achieved independence in late 1991 and hadn't been researched since, until earlier today when I looked it up on Wikipedia for the purposes of this post. By the powers vested in me by virtue of being a regular dude with an above-average internet connection, I hereby declare Kyrgyzstan to once again be historically relevant. Congratulations! (Author's Note: Or should I say, Kyrgrytulations? [No. No I shouldn't.]) And now I've lost my train of thought.

The yellow thing in the center of Kyrgyzstan's flag represents the Sun, which is necessary to keep Kyrgyzstan from being really cold all the time.

Kuwait

2010-06-14T22:42:00.000-07:00

Kuwait is a Middle Eastern nation that was on fire the last time anybody particularly cared about it (but presumably isn't anymore). Located on the northwestern shore of the Persian Gulf, Kuwait has a great deal of oil wealth for its relatively small size and, as a result, acts of aggression against it will not stand. An example of an act of aggression against Kuwait that was not allowed to stand occurred in 1990 when Saddam Hussein, no longer satisfied with just having a creepy mustache, decided to move on in and take that stuff. A constitutional monarchy whose capital is located in the aptly named Kuwait City, Kuwait's head honcho is Emir Sabah Al-Ahmad Al-Jaber Al-Sabah Al-Mynameisofanimpracticallength. He has been described by Dick Cheney as "a pretty cool guy, all things considered."

This is the Prime Minister of Kuwait. I don't remember what his name is, but he sure looks pleased about something.

South Korea

2010-06-11T23:52:00.000-07:00

South Korea is a country in southeast Asia, located on the half of the Korean peninsula where people are allowed to do things like dance and brush their teeth unsupervised, but totally suck at marching (there's always a trade-off). Following a messy breakup with North Korea in 1948, South Korea has devoted a lot of time to telling its buddies what an asshole that guy is. South Korea has planted roughly an assload of land mines and guard towers and such along the 38th parallel to discourage any group of North Koreans from mustering the gumption to pick up a missile, get a running start, and throw it across the border (despite having what most military experts describe as "a little bitch" of a missile program, most of North Korea's weapons are still fully capable of exploding). Despite this constant siege mentality, the South Koreans have become a thriving economic power within Asia and even co-hosted the first Asian World Cup in 2002 where they demonstrated their unparalleled ability to cheat at soccer.

The South Korean capital is Seoul, site of a series of brutal monster attacks in 2006.

North Korea

2010-06-10T16:22:00.000-07:00

North Korea is a(n evil) nation in southeast Asia, located, oddly enough, just north of South Korea. Best-known for being almost completely full o' commies, North Korea has been inextricably involved in America's foreign policy since the 1950s, when Harry S. Truman sent in American troops to keep North Korea from becoming completely full o' commies (a job which they totally fucked up [thanks a lot, troops]). It is currently headed up by benevolent dictator Kim Jong-Il, a goofy little dude who has been trying unsuccessfully to bring enormous old man glasses back into style since 1993. His favorite hobby is firing missiles into the Pacific Ocean and making ominous public statements in order to appear relevant on an international scale. Most leading psychiatrists recommend both of these activities as self-esteem boosters for troubled children with comically small penises.

"Hey, you there! Yeah, you! Pay attention to me!"

Kiribati

2010-06-09T12:56:00.000-07:00

Kiribati is a nation made up of everything that happens to be sticking out of the Pacific Ocean in an area of about 1,300,000 square miles near the equator. Most of its 98,000 inhabitants are the descendants of a bunch of credulous dupes who were tricked into living there by meanspirited merchant sailors way back in the day (like, at least thirty years ago). "Kiribati" comes from a terrible mispronunciation of "Gilbert," and is the root of a long-running I-Kiribati inside joke that everyone thinks is kind of annoying now. The Gilbert part comes from the Gilbert Islands, an island chain (in turn named for actor and comedian Gilbert Gottfried) the makes up most of the shit that people are able to build houses on there.

Kiribati Gottfried at an awards show in 1991.

Kenya

2010-06-08T10:48:00.000-07:00

Kenya is an east African nation located along the coast of the Indian Ocean, near the Great Lakes region of Africa. Named for Mount Kenya, the second-tallest mountain in Africa (or the fifth-tallest if, for some reason, you also count three taller mountains which are not in Africa), Kenya is home to an extremely wide variety of native tribes, including but not limited to the Kikuyu, Luhya, and maybe even a Guido or two! Despite being located relatively close to some shitty shitty shitty (etc.) deserts, Kenya is home to one of the richest ecosystems in the world and, as a British colony, was a popular destination for Europeans in adorable khaki outfits who hoped to put some bullets in some rare and beautiful mammals to prove how manly they were (i.e. so manly). In general, Kenyans have really terrific cardio, in case they have to run away from said wildlife.

The capital is Nairobi, shown here under attack from a 350-foot giraffe.

Kazakhstan

2010-06-07T16:35:00.000-07:00

Kazakhstan is a central Asian country that used to be a part of the Soviet Union and is secretly disappointed that it isn't anymore ("At least then we got a little goddamn respect," said one observer, who may or may not have actually had anything to do with Kazakhstan). They'll never actually admit, but Russia actually feels more or less the same way - since Kazakhstan declared independence in late 1991, the Kremlin has had a lot of/some/possibly no trouble figuring out where would be a good place to explode nuclear weapons for fun. In 1961, Kazakhstan was the site of the first manned space launch in history, when cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin discovered that space is "very dark and cold as fuck." Bet you thought this entry was just going to be a bunch of Borat jokes, didn't you? Well, that's because you're an asshole.

Yuri "Seriously Dogg, I Should've Brought a Sweater or Something" Gagarin

Jordan

2010-05-24T21:10:00.000-07:00

Jordan is a small country in the Middle East, known by many as a place where Jesus used to hang out way back in the day. Following an impressive college career with the University of North Carolina, Jordan became the first Asian country to play in the NBA when it was drafted by the Chicago Bulls with the third overall pick in 1984. It went on to play a crucial role in the six NBA Championships won by the Bulls during the 1990s, and is considered by many to be the greatest basketball player of all time (Saudi Arabia has been known to claim that Kobe Bryant is better, but most scholars on the Middle East agree that this is only sour grapes). Because of its small size and its location adjacent to Iraq, Israel, and the Sinai Peninsula, most Jordanians are never very far from having their day completely ruined.

Jordan's lucrative Nike sponsorship has long been a source of resentment for neighboring countries.

Japan

2010-05-24T21:06:00.001-07:00

Japan is a country consisting of almost 7,000 islands located off the coast of East Asia. Though sometimes known as the "Land of the Rising Sun," this is a misnomer because the rising sun is actually located in outer space. The capital, Tokyo, has a higher population than any other urban conurbation in the world (also: more Japanese people). Japan officially renounced the right to declare war in 1947, after we rocked their shit in World War II - rubbing that in is generally considered to be an impolite move, but boy is it funny from time to time. Despite its being home to a proud civilization that has existed in some form since prehistoric times, if Japan is brought up in conversation with most regular dudes, the first things they will think of are karaoke and weird animated pornography.

The Japanese invented "Power Rangers." You're welcome.

Jamaica

2010-05-21T22:48:00.000-07:00

Jamaica is an island in the Caribbean with more threatening-looking black people per capita than just about any other nation in the world. Though mainly known for its gorgeous beaches, reggae music and marijuana, Jamaica's capital, Kingston, is also a pretty terrific place if you're into violent crime. Some of its best-known residents have included Bob Marley, Peter Tosh and Dr. No. People from Jamaica frequently say things like "Ya mon," "Irie," and "Hey dude, stop being a racist."

Sean Kingston is a solid example of a person who is not from Jamaica.

Italy

2010-05-18T23:45:00.000-07:00

Italy is a country in southern Europe that would probably be okay if not for the fact that it is almost completely full of Italians. The capital is Rome, center of an ancient civilization that, at one point, stretched all the way into the British isles (mainly just so Roman officers would have a place to send soldiers they really didn't like). The ancient Romans basically invented stealing ideas from other cultures, making them lamer and then taking credit for them; in many ways, Roman mythology can be seen as an ancient precursor to Taco Bell. Florence, Italy was home to the Renaissance, a cultural movement that spanned the 14th to 17th centuries and extended all across Europe, providing us with some sweet-ass paintings and a bunch of sculptures of naked dudes with terrific muscles and tiny penises. One of the most famous Renaissance artists was Leonardo Da Vinci, who was the first to conceptualize a helicopter and a bunch of other awesome scientific shit, but is best remembered for this stupid painting of a woman who's kind of smiling, but not really. Over the past century, Italy has made a number of innovations in doing a terrible job of running a country, providing the world with such great steps backward as fascism and Silvio Berlusconi.

Seriously guys, she's not even that hot.

Israel

2010-05-17T22:29:00.000-07:00

Israel is a country in the Middle East that was invented by God 6,000 years ago, because he loved his chosen people so much that he decided they deserved to have a chunk of mostly miserable desert on the eastern end of the Mediterranean Sea. Israel didn't officially become a nation until 1948, when the Jewish conspiracy controlling the universe connived to make the United Nations give them their own sovereign nation located in that miserable desert. Israeli history since then has consisted mainly of a series of armed conflicts that erupted every time that Egypt, Jordan and Syria needed a quick reminder of who their daddy was.

David Ben-Gurion, Israel's first Jewish Prime Minister.

Ireland

2010-05-15T00:36:00.000-07:00

The Republic of Ireland is one of the main places where young, intoxicated Americans claim to be from for some stupid reason. Known for its famous drunks, potatoes, pretentious modernist writers, and things which are green, the Republic of Ireland was getting pushed around by England until 1919, when the United Kingdom reluctantly said goodbye forever to probably the most adorable accent it had in its considerable arsenal. Every March 17th, the Irish and everyone else who feels they need a decent excuse to get sloshed on a weekday celebrate St. Patrick's Day (or, as the English refer to it, "The Day When All Those Snakes Showed Up Out of Fucking Nowhere").

Irish author James Joyce wrote "Ulysses," a 1,000-word book about what a smart fellow he was.

Iraq

2010-05-13T11:43:00.000-07:00

Iraq is a [formerly evil] Middle Eastern nation that hasn't been an enjoyable place for anyone to live since about, well, a long time ago (Author's Note: A Google search of "When Iraq was last an enjoyable place to live" yielded two results, and they were both pornography). For many years, the Iraqis lived under the thumb of Saddam Hussein, a psychotic midget used car salesman who completely ruined the Tom Selleck Mustache™ for everybody (except for Tom Selleck). He reigned with an iron fist (well, really just a regular fist [full of chemical weapons]) until 2003, when an awesome guy named George W. Bush came along and boldly liberated those guys. As far as I know, they still haven't thanked him for that.

Dude had a throne. He was old-school.

Iran

2010-05-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

Iran is a[n evil] nation located in the Middle East between Afghanistan and Iraq in what many have described as "a shitty place to put a country." Though Iran contains a wide array of ethnic groups, its primary population consists of Persians, who can travel through time and hate it when you call them Arabs. One famous Iranian is president/star of the popular television series "Mahmoud Says the Darnedest Things," Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. His international fame has run into a bit of an obstacle in that about eight percent of the people who have heard of him actually know how to pronounce his name (Author's Note: For fuck's sake people, it's not even really that difficult).

Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei did not invent that beard - he just perfected it.

Indonesia

2010-05-11T18:28:00.000-07:00

Indonesia is a nation consisting of roughly a buttload [over 17,000] of islands off the coast of southeast Asia. It contains about 4% of the people who exist and has more Muslims than anyone else (take that, Nigeria!). Formerly known as the place where the Dutch got all their good drugs, Indonesia achieved independence from the Netherlands in 1945 when the Japanese, who were in a rotten mood and not taking shit from most anybody in those days, showed up and said "Hey guys, could you leave please?"

Hirohito: Passive-aggressive much?

India

2010-05-10T23:07:00.000-07:00

India (or Native America) is a country in south Asia which contains more than a billion people (around 236 Wisconsins, if you're the sort of person who measures population in Wisconsins), making it the second-largest country in the world behind China. If you've lost your job recently, you can probably find it in India, where someone else is now doing it for an annual salary of eight dollars and a cheese sandwich. The most popular sport in India is cricket, a game of English origin which is kind of like a cross between baseball and a bunch of guys waiting for the bus.

Some of the things you can do while in India are things that I would not typically recommend.

Iceland

2010-05-07T20:17:00.000-07:00

Iceland is an island in the north Atlantic Ocean that everybody knows is green, versus Greenland, which is icy, because of the movie "D2: The Mighty Ducks." However, many of these people might be surprised to discover that Iceland has a relative dearth of evil hockey players compared to, say, the Czech Republic or Canada. Another thing that Iceland is really lacking at the moment is money, with their financial system having, as I understand it, driven a car off a cliff while on fire back in 2008. Its population is split into two main categories: Icelandic people and magical fairies. Its capital, Reykjavik, is the northernmost capital city in the world. I know that because it was a Trivial Pursuit question once.

Serious business.

Hungary

2010-05-06T10:05:00.000-07:00

Hungary (Hungarians call it "Magyar" because they're stupid) is a country in Eastern Europe that has probably seen more people giving each other a rough time than just about anywhere. One of the oldest countries in Europe, Hungary has, over the past millennium, played host to hundreds of vicious showdowns between various people whose gods were hella pissed at each other, topped off with about 40 years of pretty non-terrific communism starting at the end of World War 2 (just to make sure they learned their lesson). The Hungarian language is so completely retarded that most native Hungarians actually only pretend to know how to speak it. The Hungarian coat of arms prominently features the Holy Crown of Hungary, a neat-looking hat that the Pope sent them a thousand years ago for being such a great bunch of dudes.

The crown is not supposed to look this jaunty but some drunken Hungarian dropped it down a bunch of stairs in the 17th century. Whoops.

Honduras

2010-05-05T12:20:00.000-07:00

Honduras (pronounced "owned-yer-azz") is a small Central American country which has drawn the resentment of its neighbors El Salvador and Guatemala by connecting them, however tenuously, to what they typically refer to as "fucking Nicaragua." The capital is Tegucigalpa, which is at least twice as much fun to say as it could possibly be to live there. The national anthem is "National Anthem of Honduras" and the national dish is Honduran food.

A night-time view of Tegucigalpa, which apparently looks a lot like St. Regis, Montana.

Haiti

2010-05-04T22:27:00.000-07:00

Haiti is the half of Hispaniola that was recently voted "Most Likely to Spontaneously Disappear into the Caribbean Without the Slightest Warning" by a panel of experts in a Radison hotel ballroom somewhere. Haiti was founded in 1804 by former slaves who boldly rose up and threw off the shackles of the French, only to throw on the shackles of disease, crippling poverty, and basically merciless destruction from every possible direction. Almost nothing in this country's history has not been a bummer. The "capital" is Port-au-Prince, a really big, mashed-up mound of concrete on the western face of the island.

Anderson Cooper, CNN anchor/mayor of Port-au-Prince.

Guyana

2010-05-03T14:31:00.000-07:00

Guyana is a small former British colony on the north coast of South America among a couple of other little bitch countries that speak Dutch or something. Its capital is Georgetown, a port city of some 200,000 residents. However, more people have probably heard of Jonestown, a temporary settlement near the Venezuelan border where, in 1978, more than 900 people offed themselves en-masse because some douche from Indiana told them to. Needless to say, the Guyanese tourism industry has never recovered.

Jim Jones: Just like Jesus except that Jesus wasn't a total asshole.

Guinea-Bissau

2010-04-30T18:10:00.000-07:00

Another Guinea is at least one Guinea too many, if you ask me, so I'm just gonna blow through this real quick, okay? Guinea-Bissau used to be a Portuguese colony called Portuguese Guinea, but then they achieved independence and changed the name to Guinea-Bissau because Guinea was already taken and none of them had the gumption to come up with a new name. The capital is Bissau. That's where the Bissau part comes from.

This is what Bissau looks like when you are a bus.

Guinea

2010-04-29T22:42:00.000-07:00

Guinea is a country bordering Mali, Cote d'Ivoire and Another Guinea in West Africa. Despite its small size, Guinea has a relatively large amount of cool shit that it can pull out of the ground and sell to other people. For instance, Guinea has the world's largest reserve of bauxite, which is apparently some sort of a thing. Guinea is also full of diamonds, which are things that you are more likely to have heard of (Author's Note: All I can say for sure is that I have heard of them). The Niger River, third-longest in Africa behind the Nile and the Congo, begins in Guinea as well, so if an evil genius decides to steal West Africa's water supply anytime in the near future, this will probably be the site of another terrible James Bond movie.

This movie made me sad.

Guatemala

2010-04-28T10:20:00.000-07:00

Guatemala, or Mexico's Footstool, is a Central American country that positively reeks of fresh coffee beans. "Yeah, it might sound okay, but boy do you get sick of it," one hypothetical Guatemalan might say. The capital is Guatemala City, which was, in what I think is an extraordinary coincidence, actually named after a different Guatemala (apparently the two weren't even related).

The Guatemalan city of Zunil. Picturesque as hell, dogg.

Grenada

2010-04-27T16:18:00.000-07:00

An island in the Lesser Antilles approximately the size of a regulation tennis court, Grenada is a former British colony that only wishes it were as historically irrelevant as Antigua and Barbuda. No such luck. In 1983, Grenada was the site of a communist military coup, giving the island the dubious distinction of being the smallest country to ever make Ronald Reagan nervous. Of course, he sorted them out right quick, proving once and for all that the United States does, in fact, have a stronger military than a nation a little more than two-thirds the size of Pomona, California.

"Hail Satan!"

Greece

2010-04-26T16:13:00.001-07:00

Greece is a European nation located on the southern tip of the Balkan Peninsula. Ancient Greece is thought to be the cradle of western civilization, having given the world a wide variety of inventions including democracy, western philosophy, the ionic column, homosexuality, the Pythagorean theorem and the toga party. The Ancient Greeks basically invented inventing things, so you might say we also have them to thank for the automobile, penicillin and air conditioning. Greece is best-known as the nominal setting for that one movie where a bunch of musclebound freaks shouted manly things at each other for two consecutive hours while wearing nothing but red capes and underpants.

"HAS ANYONE SEEN MY PANTS?"

Ghana

2010-04-23T18:14:00.000-07:00

Ghana is a west African nation located at almost the exact geographical center of the earth's surface (the intersection of the Equator, which is a real thing, and the Prime Meridian, which is an arbitrary line originating in London because the British are way, way up their own asses). Modern-day Ghana was governed by the Ashanti dynasty until the 15th century, when the Portuguese heard a rumor that there was gold there. Needless to say, the next 500 years or so were basically a nonstop hit parade of white people popping in armed to the teeth to get their hands on as many shiny rocks as they could. Ghana later became a British colony but, during the 20th century, a few dozen years of back-and-forth wholesale slaughter eventually left the Brits "just so bloody embarrassed" that they relinquished control of the country in 1957. You know. That old chestnut.

One famous Ghanaian is Kofi Annan, who has met Brad Pitt.

Germany

2010-04-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

Austrian-born Adolf Hitler is probably the awful jackass most commonly associated with Germany, a democratic republic located in central Europe (within easy stormtrooping distance of France and Belgium), but Germany has, in its own right, provided the world with a number of forceful dudes with no sense of humor at all. Some of Germany's great heroes include Beethoven (dick), Wagner (MAJOR dick) and Nietzsche (dick/seventh place on "Top 50 Greatest Mustaches of All Time" list published in Spin Magazine's August 2008 issue). Despite their vaguely scary-sounding language and a looming reputation for inherent evil that will probably last for as long as World War II remains an awesome thing to make movies about, Germans are a generally friendly and goodhearted people, or as one observer described them: "Better than the goddamn Estonians, that's for sure."

I know you're not supposed to say impolite things about the dead but this guy was a TOTAL dick.

Georgia

2010-04-21T22:55:00.000-07:00

Georgia is a country in Caucasus which the Russian military uses as a parade route a couple times every decade. The capital is Tbilisi, which I hear is tbeautiful around this time of year (Author's Note: I have never actually heard that). Like most places, Georgia is a way better place than the U.S. state from which it originally stole its name.

Atlanta is basically a terrible city.

The Gambia

2010-04-20T12:00:00.000-07:00

The Gambia is an English-speaking country in western Africa that has historically annoyed neighboring Senegal by constantly referring to itself in the third person. For example:

"The Gambia would be glad to open trade relations with you, Senegal. The Gambia will sign this treaty now. The Gambia wonders if you might happen to have a pen on you at the moment. The Gambia is very pleased with the strides we are making in diplomatic and economic relations."

And so on and so forth. The Gambia is actually surrounded on all sides by Senegal, constituting only a narrow strip of land along the banks of its namesake, the Gambia River. This has earned it the nickname "Senegal's Mustache."

Sloppy grooming, Senegal.

Gabon

2010-04-19T22:01:00.000-07:00

Gabon (the opposite of Fuggoff) is a relatively not-terrible country located between Cameroon and the Republic of the Congo in west-central Africa. The capital is Libreville, so named because it is built entirely out of books. The current president, Ali Bongo Ondimba, went into politics only after realizing that just having a totally awesome name isn't really a job by itself. Gabon has a relatively strong economy and a booming tourism industry dependent mainly on people who think they're too good to go to the damn zoo. Famous Gabonese people include, uh, nobody. Nobody from Gabon is famous.

Ali Bongo Ondimba: Not famous.

France

2010-04-16T20:09:00.000-07:00

Disdained by many Americans for its military ineptitude and extremely high standard of living, France is a nation of some 65 million people who wear different berets on different days of the week. The French used to basically own most of southeast Asia, but would prefer not to talk about how that turned out (typical). They did a little better in Africa, where French is still spoken in Morocco, Cote d'Ivoire (EVEN THE NAME IS FRENCH!), and Cameroon. France is famous for wine and cheese and the Eiffel Tower and, uh, the Mona Lisa is there as well, although the guy who painted that was Italian, so that probably doesn't count. Some of their major cultural contributions include Albert Camus and a lot of techno music that guys in tight jeans dance to when they want to look like assholes. One French city is Marseilles. Didier Drogba used to live there.

Places where Ernest Hemingway has gotten drunk: a series
#3: Paris

Finland

2010-04-15T14:58:00.000-07:00

Finland is a frozen Scandinavian wasteland inhabited by a sturdy and cultureless people composed of equal parts old leather and solid granite. Finns enjoy ice hockey and soccer, in addition to a competitive sport they've invented in which the only objective is to find someplace to live that has a shittier climate than Finland (so far, no one has won). The Finnish are credited with the invention of the Molotov cocktail, an implement which revolutionized the world of setting other people on fire. The capital is Helsinki and the national motto is "Oh fuck it's cold."

Finland's contributions to the death metal genre have gained it the widespread admiration of socially awkward white men who own one or more T-shirts with a picture of a dragon on the front.

Fiji

2010-04-14T17:46:00.001-07:00

Fiji is the place Jim Carrey's character from The Truman Show was trying to get to when he crashed a sailboat into the wall of that giant indoor set. You see that flick? Pretty good in my opinion. Fiji is a Pacific island nation which Wikipedia helpfully describes as "east of Vanuatu, west of Tonga and south of Tuvalu." Oh thanks Wikipedia, east of Vanuatu? Yeah, now I know exactly where it is. And Tonga, Jesus. Don't get me started. Fiji have a Union Jack on their flag so their history probably involves the British. Who really cares?

One thing they have a lot of in Fiji is the ocean.

Ethiopia

2010-04-13T20:58:00.000-07:00

Ethiopia is not unlike the moon in that it is dry, rocky and covered with Ethiopian people. Ethiopia is now considered to be a main economic powerhouse of eastern Africa, as opposed to the 1980s when it was the main dying of thirst powerhouse of eastern Africa (really a far more meaningful distinction). The Ethiopian national anthem is entitled "Wodefit Gesgeshi, Widd Innat Ityopp'ya" after an old Amharic saying that translates loosely as "Well, at least we're not Chad." The capital is Addis Ababa, which I think would be a good name for a crazy old lady in a movie.

A native, seen here wearing traditional Ethiopian garb.

Estonia

2010-04-12T16:19:00.000-07:00

Estonia is a European country located just south of the Gulf of Finland (which boasts some of the shittiest surfing locations known to man). In 2002, a Fox News report on Germany aired, showing a negatized version of the German flag in order to cast aspersions on the country's character for some reason. As the majority of Estonians had been up all night drinking cough medicine prior to the newscast, they were immediately drawn to the weird color scheme of the corrupted pattern and soon adopted the flag as their own. Sadly, this is the most interesting thing that has ever happened in northern Europe.

"Germany: A pretty decent country on the whole."

"OR IS IT?"

Eritrea

2010-04-11T17:31:00.000-07:00

Located in northwestern Africa along the coastline of the Red Sea, Eritrea is where all the water went when Moses and the Hebrews were leaving Egypt in the Old Testament. Bet you never thought about that, did you? Charlton Heston is making this big, dramatic escape while a bunch of Eritreans are getting their houses demolished in an inexplicable tidal wave. God is really kind of a dick when you think about it. The capital, Asmara, looks like nothing so much as mile after mile of giant overturned Kleenex boxes. In the 19th century, Eritrea was colonized by Italy. I think that's kind of sad.

Despite the embarrassment of Italian rule, Eritrea at least got a railroad out of the deal (Italy just got the self-esteem boost, and that wore off pretty fast).

Equatorial Guinea

2010-04-10T21:31:00.000-07:00

There really isn't an original thing about Equatorial Guinea. We've already established that there's another country named after the equator, but there are also two other countries called "Guinea." I know, right? Equatorial Guinea has three official languages: Spanish, French and Portuguese. European imperialism pretty much landed on these guys like a piano in a Daffy Duck cartoon. Despite its relative economic superiority, Equatorial Guinea has never fully gotten over the inferiority complex it developed as a result of its close proximity to Cameroon, the coolest kid in central Africa.

Relatively large oil reserves or no, Equatorial Guineans NEVER have this much fun.

England

2010-04-09T23:36:00.000-07:00

Located on a small island off the coast of the European mainland, England is best-known for having been total assholes to the entire world for about 500 solid years. Most of them are still proud of it, too. The English, some 50 million pale motherfuckers who aren't, on the whole, nearly as attractive as Hugh Grant, are world-renowned for their goofy state customs and their excellent radio voices. Despite being a fairly small country, England is home to a vast range of dialects; anywhere between clipped, prissy upper class twat and incomprehensible, mongoloid lower class twat. The capital is London, which is where Didier Drogba lives.

You're goddamn right I live in London.