Montenegro

Montenegro is a former Yugoslav republic located on the Adriatic coast. The name, meaning "black mountain," is Italian or something, reflecting the fact that the Serbian equivalent, Crna Gora, looks really stupid on paper. Of course, modern Montenegro was originally part of someplace called Duklja (What? [Exactly.]), so I guess everything's relative. Montenegro has gone through a number of political changes throughout its history, having been a metropolitanate, a principality, a kingdom, a socialist republic, a federal republic, and I think a kingdom again over the course of the past couple centuries. Jesus guys, will you make up your minds? In fact, I'm calling bullshit on metropolitanate. That word is marked as being misspelled every time I type it. And I'm an excellent speller. Pretty sure it's not even a real thing. Since the breakup of Yugoslavia, Montenegro has been having a relatively nice time, experiencing a high enough level of development that, if they're lucky, France might start letting them sit at the cool kids' table pretty soon.

From 1860 to 1910, Montenegro was ruled by King Nicholas I who, judging by this picture, also doubled as the country's entire military.

Mongolia

Mongolia is probably my favorite Paul Thomas Anderson film, for which Tom Cruise fully deserved to win Best Supporting Actor in 2000 (but didn't, because the Academy Awards are stupid). A landlocked country in central Asia with Russia to the north and China to the south, Mongolia forms the geographical meat of a sandwich that has communists instead of bread. Much of the country is made up of steppes, which are dry areas of land that could be deserts if they only had the gumption (they don't, but in this case it would be difficult to blame the Academy Awards). Almost a third of the Mongolian population is nomadic, which contributes to a recent statistic positing that Mongolians see more depressing landscape per capita than any other nationality (even Utahans). The most famous Mongolian ever was Genghis Khan, considered to be one of history's biggest and most innovative assholes. The second-most famous Mongolian ever is not famous enough for me to have heard of him or her. The capital, Ulaanbaatar, was first founded in the early 17th century, but kept getting moved around until 1778, before which all of its residents presumably lived in trailer homes. Mongolia is also home to the Mongolian Death Worm, (the local version of Sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster, or Joseph Stalin) a probably fictional but hopefully real thing native to the Gobi Desert that can kill you just by looking at you, or something.

Just in case you were having trouble finding a reason not to go to the Gobi Desert.

Monaco

Monaco is a city-state located on the French Riviera, not nearly far enough from the Italian border. A constitutional monarchy, Monaco has been ruled by the Genoese House of Grimaldi since the late 13th century, but its national sovereignty was first recognized in 1861 by the French, who decided the city-state was "not quite gay enough." France does, however, remain responsible for defense, which is good, because if there's one country I want in charge of making sure nobody blows up any parts of me, it's France (Get it? Because France is a country that is stereotypically bad at being in wars! [Author's Note: Pretty much this entire entry is going to be jokes about the French because I am lazy. Let's see if I can work a baguette reference in here somewhere]). Monaco is notable for being the smallest country in the world that does not have a Pope living in it somewhere. The capital/entire country is Monte Carlo. There is a casino there, but that's most likely the only thing it has in common with Deadwood, South Dakota. Monégasque people probably eat baguettes sometimes (Author's Note: Yesssss!).

The Pope is among the more prominent people not living in Monaco.

Moldova

Moldova is an eastern European country located between Romania and Ukraine, where the wheat is plentiful and everyone talks like vampires (not "Twilight" vampires either. Badass vampires). Moldova is named after the Moldova River which, as the legend goes, was named after a prince's dog who was chasing after some sort of primitive cow-thing when it fell in said river and drowned. Ergo, Moldova is named after a stupid dog who couldn't swim. Like many countries in the area, Moldova has a long and proud history of being conquered by whatever roaming barbarian horde happened to be trendy at the time. These included the Goths, Huns, Magyars, and numerous other groups that also sound like they might be mutant sub-groups from X-Men. Having gained independence from the Soviet Union in 1991, Moldova remains home to a strongly supported communist party. The key difference from the Soviet years is that nobody else really cares anymore.

Moldova lays claim to a strip of land along the shore of the Dniester River known as Transnistria, which both sounds like and is a fake country.