Guinea-Bissau

Another Guinea is at least one Guinea too many, if you ask me, so I'm just gonna blow through this real quick, okay? Guinea-Bissau used to be a Portuguese colony called Portuguese Guinea, but then they achieved independence and changed the name to Guinea-Bissau because Guinea was already taken and none of them had the gumption to come up with a new name. The capital is Bissau. That's where the Bissau part comes from.

This is what Bissau looks like when you are a bus.

Guinea

Guinea is a country bordering Mali, Cote d'Ivoire and Another Guinea in West Africa. Despite its small size, Guinea has a relatively large amount of cool shit that it can pull out of the ground and sell to other people. For instance, Guinea has the world's largest reserve of bauxite, which is apparently some sort of a thing. Guinea is also full of diamonds, which are things that you are more likely to have heard of (Author's Note: All I can say for sure is that I have heard of them). The Niger River, third-longest in Africa behind the Nile and the Congo, begins in Guinea as well, so if an evil genius decides to steal West Africa's water supply anytime in the near future, this will probably be the site of another terrible James Bond movie.

This movie made me sad.

Guatemala

Guatemala, or Mexico's Footstool, is a Central American country that positively reeks of fresh coffee beans. "Yeah, it might sound okay, but boy do you get sick of it," one hypothetical Guatemalan might say. The capital is Guatemala City, which was, in what I think is an extraordinary coincidence, actually named after a different Guatemala (apparently the two weren't even related).

The Guatemalan city of Zunil. Picturesque as hell, dogg.

Grenada

An island in the Lesser Antilles approximately the size of a regulation tennis court, Grenada is a former British colony that only wishes it were as historically irrelevant as Antigua and Barbuda. No such luck. In 1983, Grenada was the site of a communist military coup, giving the island the dubious distinction of being the smallest country to ever make Ronald Reagan nervous. Of course, he sorted them out right quick, proving once and for all that the United States does, in fact, have a stronger military than a nation a little more than two-thirds the size of Pomona, California.

"Hail Satan!"

Greece

Greece is a European nation located on the southern tip of the Balkan Peninsula. Ancient Greece is thought to be the cradle of western civilization, having given the world a wide variety of inventions including democracy, western philosophy, the ionic column, homosexuality, the Pythagorean theorem and the toga party. The Ancient Greeks basically invented inventing things, so you might say we also have them to thank for the automobile, penicillin and air conditioning. Greece is best-known as the nominal setting for that one movie where a bunch of musclebound freaks shouted manly things at each other for two consecutive hours while wearing nothing but red capes and underpants.

"HAS ANYONE SEEN MY PANTS?"

Ghana

Ghana is a west African nation located at almost the exact geographical center of the earth's surface (the intersection of the Equator, which is a real thing, and the Prime Meridian, which is an arbitrary line originating in London because the British are way, way up their own asses). Modern-day Ghana was governed by the Ashanti dynasty until the 15th century, when the Portuguese heard a rumor that there was gold there. Needless to say, the next 500 years or so were basically a nonstop hit parade of white people popping in armed to the teeth to get their hands on as many shiny rocks as they could. Ghana later became a British colony but, during the 20th century, a few dozen years of back-and-forth wholesale slaughter eventually left the Brits "just so bloody embarrassed" that they relinquished control of the country in 1957. You know. That old chestnut.

One famous Ghanaian is Kofi Annan, who has met Brad Pitt.

Germany

Austrian-born Adolf Hitler is probably the awful jackass most commonly associated with Germany, a democratic republic located in central Europe (within easy stormtrooping distance of France and Belgium), but Germany has, in its own right, provided the world with a number of forceful dudes with no sense of humor at all. Some of Germany's great heroes include Beethoven (dick), Wagner (MAJOR dick) and Nietzsche (dick/seventh place on "Top 50 Greatest Mustaches of All Time" list published in Spin Magazine's August 2008 issue). Despite their vaguely scary-sounding language and a looming reputation for inherent evil that will probably last for as long as World War II remains an awesome thing to make movies about, Germans are a generally friendly and goodhearted people, or as one observer described them: "Better than the goddamn Estonians, that's for sure."

I know you're not supposed to say impolite things about the dead but this guy was a TOTAL dick.

Georgia

Georgia is a country in Caucasus which the Russian military uses as a parade route a couple times every decade. The capital is Tbilisi, which I hear is tbeautiful around this time of year (Author's Note: I have never actually heard that). Like most places, Georgia is a way better place than the U.S. state from which it originally stole its name.

Atlanta is basically a terrible city.

The Gambia

The Gambia is an English-speaking country in western Africa that has historically annoyed neighboring Senegal by constantly referring to itself in the third person. For example:

"The Gambia would be glad to open trade relations with you, Senegal. The Gambia will sign this treaty now. The Gambia wonders if you might happen to have a pen on you at the moment. The Gambia is very pleased with the strides we are making in diplomatic and economic relations."

And so on and so forth. The Gambia is actually surrounded on all sides by Senegal, constituting only a narrow strip of land along the banks of its namesake, the Gambia River. This has earned it the nickname "Senegal's Mustache."

Sloppy grooming, Senegal.

Gabon

Gabon (the opposite of Fuggoff) is a relatively not-terrible country located between Cameroon and the Republic of the Congo in west-central Africa. The capital is Libreville, so named because it is built entirely out of books. The current president, Ali Bongo Ondimba, went into politics only after realizing that just having a totally awesome name isn't really a job by itself. Gabon has a relatively strong economy and a booming tourism industry dependent mainly on people who think they're too good to go to the damn zoo. Famous Gabonese people include, uh, nobody. Nobody from Gabon is famous.

Ali Bongo Ondimba: Not famous.

France

Disdained by many Americans for its military ineptitude and extremely high standard of living, France is a nation of some 65 million people who wear different berets on different days of the week. The French used to basically own most of southeast Asia, but would prefer not to talk about how that turned out (typical). They did a little better in Africa, where French is still spoken in Morocco, Cote d'Ivoire (EVEN THE NAME IS FRENCH!), and Cameroon. France is famous for wine and cheese and the Eiffel Tower and, uh, the Mona Lisa is there as well, although the guy who painted that was Italian, so that probably doesn't count. Some of their major cultural contributions include Albert Camus and a lot of techno music that guys in tight jeans dance to when they want to look like assholes. One French city is Marseilles. Didier Drogba used to live there.

Places where Ernest Hemingway has gotten drunk: a series
#3: Paris

Finland

Finland is a frozen Scandinavian wasteland inhabited by a sturdy and cultureless people composed of equal parts old leather and solid granite. Finns enjoy ice hockey and soccer, in addition to a competitive sport they've invented in which the only objective is to find someplace to live that has a shittier climate than Finland (so far, no one has won). The Finnish are credited with the invention of the Molotov cocktail, an implement which revolutionized the world of setting other people on fire. The capital is Helsinki and the national motto is "Oh fuck it's cold."

Finland's contributions to the death metal genre have gained it the widespread admiration of socially awkward white men who own one or more T-shirts with a picture of a dragon on the front.

Fiji

Fiji is the place Jim Carrey's character from The Truman Show was trying to get to when he crashed a sailboat into the wall of that giant indoor set. You see that flick? Pretty good in my opinion. Fiji is a Pacific island nation which Wikipedia helpfully describes as "east of Vanuatu, west of Tonga and south of Tuvalu." Oh thanks Wikipedia, east of Vanuatu? Yeah, now I know exactly where it is. And Tonga, Jesus. Don't get me started. Fiji have a Union Jack on their flag so their history probably involves the British. Who really cares?

One thing they have a lot of in Fiji is the ocean.

Ethiopia

Ethiopia is not unlike the moon in that it is dry, rocky and covered with Ethiopian people. Ethiopia is now considered to be a main economic powerhouse of eastern Africa, as opposed to the 1980s when it was the main dying of thirst powerhouse of eastern Africa (really a far more meaningful distinction). The Ethiopian national anthem is entitled "Wodefit Gesgeshi, Widd Innat Ityopp'ya" after an old Amharic saying that translates loosely as "Well, at least we're not Chad." The capital is Addis Ababa, which I think would be a good name for a crazy old lady in a movie.

A native, seen here wearing traditional Ethiopian garb.

Estonia

Estonia is a European country located just south of the Gulf of Finland (which boasts some of the shittiest surfing locations known to man). In 2002, a Fox News report on Germany aired, showing a negatized version of the German flag in order to cast aspersions on the country's character for some reason. As the majority of Estonians had been up all night drinking cough medicine prior to the newscast, they were immediately drawn to the weird color scheme of the corrupted pattern and soon adopted the flag as their own. Sadly, this is the most interesting thing that has ever happened in northern Europe.

"Germany: A pretty decent country on the whole."

"OR IS IT?"

Eritrea

Located in northwestern Africa along the coastline of the Red Sea, Eritrea is where all the water went when Moses and the Hebrews were leaving Egypt in the Old Testament. Bet you never thought about that, did you? Charlton Heston is making this big, dramatic escape while a bunch of Eritreans are getting their houses demolished in an inexplicable tidal wave. God is really kind of a dick when you think about it. The capital, Asmara, looks like nothing so much as mile after mile of giant overturned Kleenex boxes. In the 19th century, Eritrea was colonized by Italy. I think that's kind of sad.

Despite the embarrassment of Italian rule, Eritrea at least got a railroad out of the deal (Italy just got the self-esteem boost, and that wore off pretty fast).

Equatorial Guinea

There really isn't an original thing about Equatorial Guinea. We've already established that there's another country named after the equator, but there are also two other countries called "Guinea." I know, right? Equatorial Guinea has three official languages: Spanish, French and Portuguese. European imperialism pretty much landed on these guys like a piano in a Daffy Duck cartoon. Despite its relative economic superiority, Equatorial Guinea has never fully gotten over the inferiority complex it developed as a result of its close proximity to Cameroon, the coolest kid in central Africa.

Relatively large oil reserves or no, Equatorial Guineans NEVER have this much fun.

England

Located on a small island off the coast of the European mainland, England is best-known for having been total assholes to the entire world for about 500 solid years. Most of them are still proud of it, too. The English, some 50 million pale motherfuckers who aren't, on the whole, nearly as attractive as Hugh Grant, are world-renowned for their goofy state customs and their excellent radio voices. Despite being a fairly small country, England is home to a vast range of dialects; anywhere between clipped, prissy upper class twat and incomprehensible, mongoloid lower class twat. The capital is London, which is where Didier Drogba lives.

You're goddamn right I live in London.

El Salvador

Don't get me wrong, El Salvador is a pretty great place to buy bananas. I'm just saying that if you go there and randomly ask a guy on the street for one he will probably punch you. They use the American dollar as currency there, which I think is a nice gesture (Author's Note: This change was mainly motivated by constant ridicule suffered by Salvadoreans for their previous currency, the colón). San Salvador is generally considered to be one of the main places that is a city there. Salvadoreans love to listen to terrible flute music, but are mostly alright otherwise.

The capital is San Salvador, which is Spanish for something.

Egypt

Egypt, otherwise known as Where Everybody Lived Before Living Anywhere Else Had Been Invented Yet, is a North African country that most people have heard of. This is because Egyptians are constantly winding up on the wrong side of history. I mean, a lot of cultures throughout the years have enslaved other people, but as far as I know, the Egyptians were the only ones who did it to a people who just happened to have a fierce and omnipotent god on their side. Rotten luck, really. And then, as if that wasn't enough, their kings built these giant monuments so that they would be well-provided for in the afterlife, never realizing that all they were doing was making it easy for a bunch of assholes to dig up their corpses later, then put them on tables and charge money to gawk at them, occasionally bringing one to life by accident and then sending Brendan Fraser to destroy it.

It probably would have been cheaper to just build a huge sign that said "DIG HERE."

Ecuador

Ecuador is a mountainous country in northwestern South America, notable for being one of the main countries that is named after an imaginary line. It's a good concept, but in my opinion it was applied in the wrong place; I'd much rather Saudi Arabia had been named "Cancer." Ecuador holds domain over the Galápagos Islands, best known as the place where Charles Darwin, a 19th-century British scientist who totally hated Jesus, invented a bunch of nonsensical shit about how we used to be monkeys.

What a dick.

East Timor

East Timor is a southeast Asian nation located on the eastern half of the island of Timor. There isn't a country called West Timor. See, there once was a time when Indonesia basically decided it wanted everything between Malaysia and Australia, and they pretty much pulled it off too, but these guys, these guys on the eastern half of the island of Timor, when people came calling and went "Hey, you guys wanna be Indonesia?", these people were like "No. We don't wanna be Indonesia." And I think that's kind of a nice sentiment, you know? Of course, that was never really okay with Indonesia, and they have been really passive-aggressive about it ever since.

"No, huh? Oh, yeah, it's TOTALLY fine. Like, yeah, whatever you wanna do is okay. I mean, we didn't really want your half of the island anyway. Yeah, I mean all we REALLY wanted was West Timor, but we just thought we'd ask, you know? Because like, we thought maybe you'd get jealous if West Timor got to be Indonesia and nobody invited you, you know? But hey, you wanna be independent. Yeah, that's fine. Totally cool.

...You fucks."

Dominican Republic

Located on the eastern half of Hispaniola (the part which is not pretty much constantly suffering the seven plagues of Egypt), the Dominican Republic is a country with an agreeable climate and little to no likelihood of being smushed completely out of nowhere by the vengeful thumb of God. Its primary exports are cane sugar and New York Yankees. Like Dominica, it was discovered by Christopher Columbus, who apparently wasn't very good at coming up with new names for things.

Columbus: Spanish for 'originality.'

Dominica

Dominica is one of those stupid little islands in the Caribbean that insists on being its own nation because apparently it's never heard of any of the, like, seven other inconsequential landmasses nearby and doesn't realize how much easier it is to learn one country than eight. Sheesh. What have you got that Guadeloupe doesn't? That's right. Nothing. Get with the program, you dicks. Dominica was discovered by Christopher Columbus, and that is basically the only thing it has in common with Ohio.

One of these green islands is Dominica. Which one? Who gives a shit?

Djibouti

It must be hard to be from Djibouti and know that you can try as hard as you want, but you and the rest of your countrymen combined will never contribute anything to the world that is better than the name of your country (which, by the way, is one hundred percent awesome). When the natives of this country, located in northeast Africa on the Red Sea shore, aren't pondering this difficult truth, they are typically dodging cannon fire from neighboring Somalia.

Djiboutian President Ismail Omar Guelleh and former U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld pretend to have heard of each other.

Denmark

Denmark is a small [Socialist!] nation in Northern Europe, desperately trapped between Germany and a relatively cold body of water. Its population consists mainly of vikings, weird filmmakers and people who make uncomfortably relentless eye contact while talking to you. None of them can grow beards. Its capital, Copenhagen, is located on an island so close to the Scandinavian peninsula that, on a day when the wind is coming off of the Baltic Sea in a certain way, its inhabitants can actually smell the foul stinking breath of the Swedes.

Danish filmmaker Lars Von Trier is one of the world's most respected creators of movies that no one could possibly enjoy.