Czech Republic

I've got kind of a bone to pick with the Czech Republic, an Eastern European nation located east of Germany and north of those people who talk like Peter Lorre from The Maltese Falcon. Look, I understand that the Czechs and the Slovaks are two separate peoples with two separate languages and so on and so forth, but I've still never forgiven either of them for splitting up before I ever had the chance to say "Czechoslovakia" without sounding like an idiot. It just rolls off the tongue, Czechoslovakia. You can't do that with most neighboring states. Franspain? Israelestine? The United States of Amexico? Hm. I actually kind of like that last one.

The capital, Prague, is full of lame old buildings that the Czechs are too lazy to tear down.

Cyprus

Dear Cyprus,

For your consideration, a couple reasons why maybe you shouldn't be a country anymore.

1. You can't seem to keep Turkish people and Greek people from being impolite to one another.
Turkey just kind of decided they were going to get on that island because it was within easy throwing distance. You can expect that from Turks because they basically don't give a shit, but you Greeks, I don't understand you. You know what you are saying to me? You're saying "I don't want to live in fucking Greece. After all, it's only like, the most beautiful and temperate country that ever existed." Give it up. You cannot possibly care that much, especially considering that:

2. Your stupid flag is just a stupid picture of how the stupid country appears on a map.

Every nation has some message they want to project to the world. Cyprus's is "Here's what we look like from space."

Cuba

Cuba is an island-full-o'-commies located pretty much smack in the middle of the Caribbean. Cuba's president used to be Fidel Castro, this beardy guy whose corpse they wheeled around on a dolly in a kind of "Weekend at Bernie's" situation that lasted for several decades before someone finally noticed he was dead and his brother Raul (also deceased) stepped in. The United States has been trying real hard to pretend that Cuba doesn't exist ever since the JFK days, when a bunch of CIA dudes tried to start some shit and totally got bushwhacked on a beach somewhere. The country's motto is "Homeland or Death," but a more accurate one would probably be "Homeland, Death, or Florida If You're Lucky."

Places where Ernest Hemingway has gotten drunk: a series
#2: Havana

Croatia

An eastern European country located on the Adriatic coast, Croatia has beautiful women, miles of gorgeous coastline and a language that both looks and sounds like word vomit. Croatia is currently being considered for EU membership, but major obstacles exist in the form of Belgium, Sweden and the United Kingdom, all of whom are afraid of how woefully uncool they're likely to look in comparison. On a map, Croatia's unique shape and location gives the appearance that it's making the statement "Bosnia and Herzegovina is greater than Slovenia" (...debatable), but at the end of the day, there's at least one thing that all of those Balkan states can agree on, and that's fuck Turkey, am I right?

Yes. Yes I am.

Nothing personal, Slovenia.

Cote d'Ivoire

Known by people who like being able to pronounce things as the Ivory Coast, Cote d'Ivoire is a former French colony in West Africa. Unlike the Slave Coast (modern Benin and Togo) and the Gold Coast (modern Ghana), Cote d'Ivoire decided to keep their name based on how they were like, the main place for white people to shoot fucktons of elephants in the 19th century. That's like if instead of "Nebraska," they'd gone with "A Hole Full of Corn." Cote d'Ivoire's main contributions to the world are Didier Drogba and the positive proof that French is a pretty sexy language even when it's being shouted at you from beneath a black woolen balaklava while the speaker fires a rusting AK-47 into the ceiling.

You're goddamn right I come from Cote d'Ivoire.

Costa Rica

Costa Rica is a small Central American country located just northwest of Panama on the isthmus once labeled "North America's Dick" by a cartographer who was immediately fired thereafter (from wherever it is that a cartographer works). Also, it has monkeys. Most Costarriqueños (Author's Note: Not a real word.) live in the country's central valley, a fertile region surrounded by volcanoes. According to a friend of mine who is really into this sort of science-y stuff, when 2012 comes along, those people are gonna be totally fucked.

LOOK OUT, A VOLCANO!

Congo, Plain Ol' Republic of the

Located just across the Congo River (no relation) from the Democratic Republic of the Congo, the Republic of the Congo is a totally lame dictatorship run by an authoritarian dickhead who thinks his shit don't stink. His name is Denis Sassou Nguesso, which probably explains his Napoleonic tendencies (How do you think high school was for him after his classmates realized that "Sassou" rhymes with "poo?" Not very good, I'll bet). The Republic of Congo's thriving tourism industry is based almost entirely on tricking stupid white people from Germany and the UK into mistaking them for Cameroon.

Rhumsiki Peak: An example of a thing that is not located in the Republic of the Congo

Congo, Democratic Republic of the

Formerly known as Zaire, the DRC changed its name back in 1997 in order to get on board the whole three letter abbreviation craze popularized by bands like REM and LFO. Around the same time, the national motto was changed to "Justice - Peace - Work" from "If you an't careful around here, you're fairly likely to get raped and killed" (although the old motto definitely still applies). As far as vacation spots go, the DRC is about on par with Detroit, although it probably has a less confusing airport and a better football team.

The capital, Kinshasa, is a little like a dystopian future New York City, but without Kurt Russell or Isaac Hayes.

Comoros

An island nation nestled in the Indian Ocean between Madagascar and Mozambique, Comoros was first settled in the sixth century AD by a bunch of dudes who had discovered how to build boats but hadn't yet mastered the art of sailing them towards anything worthwhile. Comoros is a member of the Arab League, but such an insignificant one that the other members almost always forget to send it a Facebook invitation to the annual potluck. If Comoros is noteworthy for any reason at all, it's for its ridiculous flag, which looks like something you might see at a Muslim gay pride rally.

"Praise Allah, for we are both here and queer!"

Colombia

A mountainous nation in South America, Colombia is most famous for its fleece jackets and basketball shorts and such. If you're looking to score some cocaine, Colombia is pretty much the place. The capital, Bogota, is the third-highest capital city on the planet, but like, the altitude kind and not the bloodshot-eyes-and-grindy-teeth kind. Colombia used to be merged with Panama under the name "New Granada," but then the good old USA came along and totally wrecked that relationship. Because of its unique position straddling the isthmus of Panama, Colombia was also one of the few countries for whom the Panama Canal did absolutely nothing whatsoever. Both of these contributed to the selection in 1925 of the current Colombian national motto: "Teddy Roosevelt: Fuck that guy."

"Colombia" comes from an antiquated Spanish term translating roughly to "She who kisses Panama in an inappropriate way."

China

China is a country in East Asia that has been around for so long that it struts around Earth like it owns the place. China has a long and boring history, dating back to the reign of Yu the Great, around 2100 years before Christmas (I don't think they even had Hannukah). This resulted in the foundation of the Xia Dynasty and is regarded by many scholars to be one of the more important points in history when a guy has put on a fancy hat and convinced everyone else that he was God. While it's impossible to know for sure what Yu the Great might say if you told him that his beloved homeland would later turn into a country which, despite being pretty enormous, is still not nearly large enough to sustain the number of communists in it, my guess is it would be something like "What?" One reason why China is not as good as America is because we invented the fortune cookie but, ultimately, this and the fact that most Chinese people only have access to a grand total of like three or four websites will come as little consolation to Americans in the future, when it will be illegal in the United States to refer to China as anything but "Daddy" and Chinese men will be able to name individual Americans after their wives as anniversary presents, like that star registry bullshit.

"What?"

Chile

Chile (NOT pronounced the same as chili, you stupid shit) is a South American country that only exists because the Argentinians were too goddamn lazy to bother crossing the Andes. Despite the fact that Chile is only about forty feet east-west at its widest points and its residents walk around watching their feet all the time as they live in constant danger of falling into the Pacific Ocean, Chile is actually one of the best places in South America to live. This is mainly due to the fact that the average citizen is unlikely to have a drug lord (Author's Note: I believe they prefer the term "extralegal pharmaceutical entrepreneur") arbitrarily murder them out of sheer boredom. This is, however, still a relatively novel concept for Chileans, because up until 1990 the country was run by a dictator who did practically nothing but arbitrarily murder people out of sheer boredom.

Augusto Pinochet: Former president/albino douchebag.

Chad

Whoever happens to be in charge of Chad's tourism department has one of the worst jobs in the world. There aren't NEARLY enough reasons to go here to fill a brochure (Author's Note: I used to know a guy named Chad who was a TOTAL asshole so that might be clouding my judgment here). However, if one were to try and put all of Chad's tourist information together in a different medium (say, a business card, or a cocktail napkin), this is what it might look like:

"COME VISIT CHAD, WHERE IT'S BASICALLY STILL THE MID-1300S! OUR CAPITAL IS N'DJAMENA, A THRIVING COSMOPOLITAN CENTER WITH ALMOST A MILLION PEOPLE AND ALMOST TWO MILLION GOATS! WE'VE GOT:

- ONGOING POLITICAL VIOLENCE!
- A GIANT SINGED ASSHOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT!
- ANY KIND OF MOISTURE AT ALL (JUST KIDDING)!"

On Wikipedia, this picture is labeled "Downtown N'Djamena." I wish I could make this shit up.

Central African Republic

Here are some reasons why I feel bad for the Central African Republic (aside from the fact that its citizens' main sources of sustenance are dirt and puddle water).

#1: Someone spent about three seconds naming it, then presumably never thought about it ever again
#2: The flag pretty much looks like what shows up on your television screen when the station is having technical difficulties
#3: The Sudanese are notoriously lousy neighbors

"We will return to your regularly scheduled country as soon as possible. We apologize for the interruption."

Cape Verde

So named because Portuguese people apparently don't know the difference between a cape and an archipelago (retards), Cape Verde is a collection of islands located in the Atlantic Ocean off the west coast of Africa (apparently someplace called Macaronesia, which I would have guessed was either a pasta or a disease, but never an ecoregion! [Author's Note: I do not know what an ecoregion is and I will not look it up, either]). Cape Verde was uninhabited prior to 1462, when it was discovered by the Portuguese, whose national motto at the time was "We have found some land, and therefore we must put some white people on it" (however you say that in Portuguese).

Looking east from Cape Verde on a clear day, you can see Senegal, although I'm not sure why you'd want to.

Canada

Canada is an enormous country where practically no one wants to live. The Canadian population can be most easily broken down into three demographics: French people, drunks, and adorable woodland critters. Between hockey, Canadian football and the Toronto Blue Jays, being a sports fan in Canada is basically the saddest thing that anyone can ever do (being a sports fan in Canada while having a terminal illness is referred to by most sadness experts as "the bifecta"). Famous Canadians include Neil Young, Sasquatch and the band Rush. The Canadian flag, a red maple leaf on a white field, bracketed by two red stripes, is heavily symbolic. The white represents the type of bread to which Canadians can be most easily compared. The red represents apparently not knowing what color a damn maple leaf is. Most Canadians still think the Queen of England is hot shit.

Canadian football: Basically the saddest thing.

Cameroon

Cameroon is alright in my book. Anyone who says otherwise is going to have to make a pretty strong argument against Cameroon and then I might re-evaluate my position. Then again, I might not. Uh, now I've confused myself. Anyway, Cameroon used to be a German colony, starting in the late 19th century, but after the Deutsch got their asses handed to them in the Great War, the colony was split up between the British and the French (and, for all you "traditional marriage" whiners, Cameroon turned out JUST FINE). The capital is Yaoundé, but that's really not important because anyone who knows anything about Cameroon knows that Douala is where the real shit goes down. According to a recent study, Cameroon is far and away the country most often confused with a type of cookie.

These are not Cameroon. These are cookies.

Cambodia

Mistakenly thought by many to be the subject of the Dead Kennedys song "Holiday in Cambodia" (actually written about Cambodia, NH, a bedroom community of about 34,000 residents), Cambodia is a darling little southeast Asian country nestled comfortably in the crook of Vietnam. The national language is Khmer, which I believe is Khmer for "totally unpronounceable." The capital is Phnom Penh, as in:

"Hey, where are you from?"
"Phnom Penh."
"Gesundheit."

Cambodia's ties to the United States consist mainly of the fact that back during the seventies it became of the utmost strategic importance that we go set their children on fire.

"Don't hate the player, hate the game. And the commies. Mostly the commies."

Burundi

Most notorious among Americans for its mention in the popular 20th century playground taunt "I see Chad, I see Burundi / I see Suzy Collins' undies," Burundi is a small central African country located on the northern tip of Lake Tanganyika. Burundi became a German colony back in the day when all of Europe was having like, this big fantasy draft to decide who got to wrest which parts of Africa from the tenuous grasp of the hapless natives. After returning from the bathroom in one of the latter rounds to discover that everything had been taken except for Burundi and Somalia, Germany sighed heavily and said "Okay, fuck it, we'll take Burundi. I knew we should have picked up Mozambique in an earlier round." Portugal then laughed gloatingly. It later wound up in Belgian hands because Germany totally sucks at world wars.

Burundi was basically the fat kid on the German Empire's dodgeball team.

Burma

Burma, also known by the alias Myanmar (or Burmanmar, as I like to call it), is a nation of some 50 million (mostly Burmese) people located in southeast Asia, north of the Andaman Sea (which doesn't really appear to be a sea so much as a random chunk of the Bay of Bengal that someone arbitrarily decided to give a different name just to confuse everybody [Author's Note: Cartographers are dicks]). The national anthem is "Kaba Ma Kyei," which translates roughly to "Don't Cross Me or You Just Might Wake Up in the Middle of the Night with a Goddamn Tiger in Your Bed and We'll See Who's Laughing Then, You Asshole." This tends to create a really uncomfortable atmosphere at the start of Burmese baseball games.

The largest city, Rangoon, is such a shitty place that the Burmese decided to build a new capital, Naypyidaw, from scratch in 2005.

Burkina Faso

Burkina Faso is a former French colony in west Africa, a nation which, along with Niger, appears on maps to be getting fisted from the south by Benin. Known until 1984 as the Republic of Upper Volta (a far cooler name), then-president Thomas Sankara changed the name to Burkina Faso, meaning "Land of Honest Men." Soon thereafter, he was killed in a military coup and replaced by a president who has now overstayed his term limit by five years and counting. That's irony on a pretty basic level, but I like it. The capital is Ouagadougou, and I don't know anything about it except that it is a tremendous amount of fun to say. Ouagadougou. Ouagadougou. Heehee.

Curren Burkinabé President, Blaise "Don't look at me, I didn't name the fuckin' country" Compaoré.

Bulgaria

Bulgaria is a Balkan state and the third-largest country in southeastern Europe, which is apparently remarkable for some reason. The country contains a wide array of natural scenery, from gorgeous Black Sea coastline to Danubian plains which look terrific in most of the pictures I've been able to find but probably kinda resemble Kansas in real life. In the first half of the 20th century, they attempted to add Grecian Macedonia to this portfolio by shrewdly joining the losing sides in both world wars. Oddly enough, this unorthodox strategy didn't pan out. The Bulgarian people have a long and proud tradition of bushy eyebrows, shifty eyes and scary accents, which have drawn the fear and mistrust of all of their neighbors except for the Serbs (and don't get me fuckin' started on the Serbs).

Bulgaria is a major force in the worlds of wrestling, weightlifting and competitively making people nervous.

Brunei

The Nation of Brunei, Abode of Peace is a southeast Asian country consisting of the couple of dots on the island of Borneo which are not Malaysia or Indonesia. An Islamic absolute monarchy, Brunei is the domain of Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah, known for his comically large car collection, reportedly consisting of somewhere between 3,000 and 6,000 automobiles, a number which would be impossible to justify even if Bolkiah got around by riding two cars like waterskis (as far as I know, he does not). Look, I'm not saying that he's compensating for anything, I just think it's an interesting coincidence that he also has a tiny penis (Author's Note: Sometimes Wikipedia knows things that it probably shouldn't).

Hassanal Bolkiah: A 12-year-old boy trapped in the body of a 64-year-old sex offender.

Brazil

Brazil is the largest country in South America and the only one in which Portuguese is the national language (you think that makes you special, don't you Brazil? Piss off). The capital is Brasilia, which is bullshit because São Paulo and Rio de Janeiro are the only Brazilian cities I've got any time for (although I find that Belém really hits the spot every once in awhile). Brazil is home to the vast majority of the Amazon Rainforest, which Brazilians apparently consider to be a dubious distinction because they can't seem to chop that shit down fast enough. They're all "Oh, what's that? A rare and beautiful species of bird not found anywhere else in the world? Fuck off, we're putting a Safeway here." Since Brazilians are basically nutty about being Catholic, they built a 130-foot tall concrete Jesus in Rio de Janeiro back in 1931, the theory being that during the end times, 130-foot Jesus will come to life and stomp Rio's ass like a holy concrete Godzilla.

"Watch your ass, Brazil"
~ 1st Corinthians, 2:7

Botswana

Botswana is an African nation located in the middle of this awful fucking desert just north of South Africa. Botswana became a British protectorate (which is presumably different from a colony in some way but who knows, really?) in 1885, reacting to incursions from Dutch Afrikaaners who were apparently no longer satisfied with just being dicks to South Africa. In 1966, Botswana achieved full independence and has since experienced great economic growth, mainly by virtue of being a less shitty place than neighboring Zimbabwe. An estimated 24% of the population has HIV or AIDS, so if you're going to exchange blood with some people from Botswana, I'd recommend limiting yourself to a maximum of three. Any higher and you're pushing your luck.

Bushmen in Botswana's Kalahari Desert attempting to invent the flamethrower.

Bosnia and Herzegovina

Bonzo-Herzegovina is a non-hyphenated country located on the Balkan peninsula and a former part of Yugoslavia, a magical nation where almost any dispute could be solved by setting somebody on fire. The Bosniaks and the Herzegovernors ended up as roommates because they were the only guys in the region who could be around each other for any extended period of time without leaving active grenades under one another's pillows at night. The capital, Sarajevo, is best-known as the place where Austrian nobleman/Scottish indie rock band Franz Ferdinand was assassinated in 1914, giving the rest of Europe the excuse they needed to try out all their awesome new guns on each other.

Sarajevo is basically the Bad News Capital of Europe.

Bolivia

Bolivia is a country hovering in the stratosphere above central South America, best known for bordering Lake Titicaca, consistently ranked #1 in Time magazine's annual "Top 50 Things in the World that 3rd-Graders Think Are Hilarious" issue (having just edged out France and the San Andreas Fault in 2009 [Author's Note: Don't ask me. Children are basically dumb as hell.]). Its capital, La Paz (Spanish for "The Paz"), is the world's highest capital city, which is ironic because the Bolivian space program sucks ass. Located at an altitude of more than two miles above sea level, La Paz is also notable for having given birth to a super race of people who can live for almost a full week without oxygen.

If you ever get in a fight with someone from La Paz, do not try to choke him. It will not work.

Bhutan

Located in the Himalayan foothills south of China, Bhutan is one of those countries I wish I could have visited like thirty years ago so that I could use my modern clothing and something most of us consider to be a mundane everyday object (e.g. a Swiss Army knife or stainless steel cheese slicer) to awe its people and trick them into thinking I was some kind of a god, or at least a minor bodhisattva. Of course, now they have technology. Sort of. Well, they're AWARE of technology. Like, if you mentioned technology in a conversation, they wouldn't be like "What's that?" Bhutanese people are basically like the Buddhist Amish. In their spare time, the Bhutanese enjoy drawing penises all over everything. I'm not kidding.

See?

Benin

Most people haven't heard of Benin but that really isn't their fault - in 1972, Benin came under the control of a communist regime and the CIA retaliated by secretly removing the country from every single world map they could get their hands on. Most admit that it was kind of a petty gesture and probably not really worth it in the end. As they say, once you go communist, you never go back until you realize that communism is basically just a terrible time and not any fun at all. Benin democratized in 1991, but CIA budget cuts during the late eighties mean that most globes still label it as "New Liberia."

Benin shares borders with both Niger and Nigeria, which must be awfully confusing.

Belize

Now I know the name sounds like some Dutch shit or something (I do not know what Dutch sounds like), but Belize is actually the only nation in Central America whose national language is English. This is, of course, once again thanks to our friends the British, the illegitimate fathers of the modern world, who landed there in 1638 to kick out the Spaniards who were already there kicking out the Mayans. Picture a little fish being eaten by a big fish being eaten by a pale guy with bad teeth wearing penny loafers and no socks. Imperialism's a rowdy game. Honestly though, I'm not really sure why the old empire bothered with Belize at all. They probably mistook it for Nicaragua. Idiots.

The Great Blue Hole, located off the coast of Belize, is considered by many to be one of the best places in the world to go drown yourself.

Belgium

Belgium is a small western European country, best known by German soldiers as a really easy way to get into France. The capital is Brussels, where it is far more difficult to get some decent waffles than you might expect. Belgium suffers from cripplingly low self-esteem, which it deals with by keeping Luxembourg nearby at all times in order to look tough by comparison. The average Belgian spends most of his or her spare time wishing he or she were from France or the Netherlands instead. They apparently still have a king, but I just looked up a picture of "Albert II" and I gotta say, I'm pretty sure they're actually just getting scammed by an aging commercial airline pilot.

Albert II may be a king but in the grand scheme of things, he's probably only slightly higher on the food chain than you are.