Belarus

Also known by the names "Belorussia" and "Kentucky," Belarus is a country where nobody has any fun ever. Located in eastern Europe, sharing borders with Russia, Ukraine and a few other countries that I'm not going to bother looking up at the moment, Belarus is basically a frigid wasteland, which I think is ironic because their flag looks kind of like a beach towel. Though still not exactly a vacationer's paradise by any means, the capital, Minsk, has been experiencing a minor tourism boom since Belarusian authorities decriminalized smiling in 2003.

Soviet guerrillas not having fun in Belarus during World War II.

Barbados

Barbados was an island nation located on the eastern edge of the Caribbean. Originally invented by the English in the 17th century because they needed something decent to put in their coffee (I don't know if you've ever tried to grow sugarcane in Sussex, but that shit is challenging) and a place to put all their excess slaves (win-win, really [unless you were a slave]), Barbados achieved its independence in 1966 and then was tragically killed in a shark attack in 1968. As the legend goes, if you leave Trinidad and Tobago on the night of a full moon and swim north, you can still hear Barbados' plaintive cries.

Here is a picture of a bunny.

Bangladesh

Bangladesh is a country located next to India in the heart of what the British like to refer to as the "Sorry about that, chaps" region of south Asia. Bangladesh is similar to Sweden in that both of them are countries, but different in that it has a tropical climate and is full of poor people. The primary export is Bangladeshi people who are getting the hell out of Dodge. The national language is Bengali, which I thought was the name of a movie but it turned out I was thinking of "Fern Gully." My bad. The capital is Dhaka, a city of some seven million residents nicknamed (not making this up) "The Rickshaw Capital of the World." Wow guys, sounds great. I'm totally booking my plane ticket right now.

Rickshaws in Dhaka. They don't look like much but they get terrific gas mileage.

Bahrain

Bahrain is a small island nation in the Persian Gulf that aspires to be a sort of junior United Arab Emirates, which is lucky because if there's one thing the world needs, it's another soulless, decadent shithole where Arab billionaires can go during weekends to purchase little vials of crude oil and then inject them into the tiny blood vessels between their toes. The capital, Manama (twinned with Bahrain's second-largest city, Doodoodoodoodoo) is noteworthy for having a skyline designed entirely by and for people who are twelve years old. Bahrain is nearly impossible to say out loud without sounding at least kinda pissed.

Manama's most iconic landmark, the twin towers of Bahrain Financial Harbor. Most people are disappointed when they find out that it doesn't transform into a giant robot.

Bahamas

The Bahamas is the result of a primitive game show, popular among members of the British imperial service during the 18th century, in which each contestant was given a boat and a bunch of flags, which he would then go stick into as many islands, cays and random rocks sticking out of the water as he could within a certain time period. The winner, Sir Edward Von Bahamas, became the first prime minister, or president, or whatever the fuck they have down there. The end result? A totally awesome place for white people to go get sunburned.

Places where Ernest Hemingway has gotten drunk: a series
#1. Bimini

Azerbaijan

A fictional country located on the western edge of the Caspian Sea, Azerbaijan was invented by a UMass grad student in 2002 for the purposes of an infamous spam e-mail. The scam went on to be so successful that to this day some people believe the country to be real, but come on, Azerbaijan? What are we supposed to call people from there, huh? Azerbaijanians? I wasn't born yesterday.

Azerbaijan (allegedly).

Austria

Austria is a country in central Europe that once made up one half of Austria-Hungary, although I'm not sure which. Although by and large a mild and well-intentioned bunch, Austrians have earned the mistrust of their neighbors by only speaking German (never Austrian) in front of foreigners (you guys aren't fooling anybody, you know). However, their shyness is understandable; almost every Austrian who ever achieved any sort of fame outside the homeland's borders eventually turned out to be some kind of Nazi.

The capital, Vienna, is where Adolf Hitler taught himself how to be a dick.

Australia

Australia is weird in that it is a continent and a country at the same time. It's like, make up your minds, you fucks. The only reason white people live there is because back in the day, England needed a good place to dump everyone who annoyed them. Contrary to popular belief, most of Australia's inhabitants are not criminals, but that's sort of a misnomer because the only thing that's officially illegal there is sobriety. Another unusual thing about Australia is that nobody has ever been more than twenty miles inland, although scientists hypothesize that most of the country "looks a lot like Nevada." In the continent's interior, these scientists suppose, mythical giant jackrabbits box each other while adorable tree kittens feast on eucalyptus leaves. Really though, nobody knows for sure.

An artist's rendering of one of inland Australia's hypothetical animals. It might look cute, but don't let that fool you; this mugfugger could beat your ass (hypothetically).

Armenia

Situated deep within the Caucasus Mountains in some ill-defined portion of Eurasia, Armenia is best-known for how much Turkish people fucking hate it. In the words of a Turkish man who I just made up, "I fucking hate Armenia so much." The chief exports of Armenia are surliness and those too-small white cotton towels you find in hotel bathrooms. Because of its crucial strategic location on the eastern edge of Europe, Armenia is the first line of defense against any kind of Asian Invasion (in which case Turkey will stop talking shit for just about long enough for the Armenians [a diminutive, but merciless people] to save their sorry asses).

There used to be a statue of Stalin here until this bitch kicked his ass out. Their cosmic battle has been documented in the little-known Armenian action thriller "The Sword and the 'Stache."

Argentina

The second-largest country in South America and the eighth-largest in the universe, Argentina has been described by experts as "a little too close to Antarctica, if you catch my drift" (said experts then winked mischievously and refused to elaborate). For several decades, Argentina has been expanding its western border by a small amount every year, slowly pushing neighboring Chile into the Pacific Ocean. This is just one illustration of a notoriously dickish sense of humor that hasn't exactly endeared the Argentines to the rest of the world. In fact, the only reason why anybody likes Argentina at all is because it caused a whole lot of headaches for Margaret Thatcher back in the eighties (bitch was hilarious when she was mad).

Famous Argentine Diego Maradona totally wrecks Maggie Thatcher's day. Take that, you twat.

Antigua and Barbuda

Antigua and Barbuda is a completely inconsequential series of islands (nobody knows exactly which ones) located among the Leeward Islands in the eastern Caribbean. The nation was founded by an English sailor who was stranded on Antigua in the 1600s as part of an elaborate and mean-spirited practical joke. Literally the only good reason to have ever heard of Antigua and Barbuda is if you're thinking (as I am) about buying one of their islands in the future. Its capital, St. John's, has practically no bowling alleys at all. Fewer of its residents are pirates than you would expect (but not a lot fewer, you know?).

Is it just me, or is this a picture of the sun setting into a vagina?

Angola

Angola is a nation in south Africa best known as the place where Ronald Reagan used to go in his nightmares. Following 450 years as a Portuguese territory of one kind or another (longer than anyone should ever have to put up with Portugal), Angola finally achieved independence in 1975. By "achieved independence," I mean Portugal just kind of buggered off and left the Angolans to spend the next 30 years or so massacring each other. It's true what they say: it's never a good sign when you've got a machete on your flag (although it does make for a badass flag). Incidentally, I used to know a guy named Frankie Angola in high school.

When reached for comment, Frankie claimed there was "no relation."

Andorra

Andorra is a thoroughly unimpressive little country of some 88,000 citizens located in the Pyrenees mountains between France and Spain. Andorrans speak Catalan, a language which is kind of like Spanish but not nearly as useful. Andorra was first discovered in 1278, when France was taking a shower and noticed a kind of abnormal growth near its genitals. Distraught, France rushed to the doctor, who assured it that the growth was Andorra, not cancer. France was very lucky this turned out to be correct because relatively speaking, 13th-century oncology wasn't exactly the most reliable science ever.

Exterior of the Andorran parliament (that's just the upstairs; the downstairs is a Rite-Aid)

Algeria

Algeria is in Africa, so I imagine it's full of giraffes and diseases whose symptoms include violent diarrhea. It is the eleventh-largest country in the world by area, but a fat lot of good that does it because there are a whole bunch of folks out there that can totally beat its ass, including the Ottomans (not the kind you sit on) and the French, who totally dominated Algeria's business for hundreds of years. Algerians (which is, in my opinion, not a very original name for them) speak French and Arabic, which pretty much makes them an axis of evil unto themselves.

Most Algerians do not look this scary.

Albania

Albania is a small European country located on the Adriatic Sea. The only reason why anyone has ever heard of Albania is because it has a funny-sounding name which suggests that its residents probably have hilarious accents (I'm not sure what Albanians sound like, but I assume this to be true). If the eastern Mediterranean region were a sideways picture of a guy about to be curb-stomped by Italy (with the the curb and the stompee's head represented by Turkey and Greece, respectively), Albania would be located somewhere in the victim's upper spinal region. Albania doesn't produce a lot of good music and most people there still consider Coldplay to be "the bee's knees."

The deformed bird/dragon thing on Albania's flag represents the country's proud history of rampant inbreeding.

Afghanistan

Afghanistan is a Middle Eastern country that most Americans are aware of. Its people rate consistently among the angriest in the world, owing mainly to the fact that other nations are pretty much constantly invading their country despite their total lack of anything worth having in a strategic or economic sense. I haven't done even the most rudimentary research on this but I'm pretty sure that if you are impolite to a person in Afghanistan, they are allowed to cut your head off. Their main export is terror and their national anthem is probably not catchy at all.

DIRECTIONS: PAINT THE PARTS THAT ARE TERRIBLE PLACES TO LIVE PINK