Panama

Not to be confused with "banana," which is a different thing entirely, Panama is a Van Halen song and a nation located on a narrow isthmus in what I guess would be called South Central America. For countless millenia, Panama kept the Pacific Ocean from spilling over into the Atlantic Ocean, and vice versa. In 1904, heedless of this important function (as well as what was, at the time, considered to be the very real possibility of South America floating willy-nilly into the Antarctic Ocean and Tierra del Fuego-ing some poor penguin in the eye), Teddy Roosevelt decided to dig a hole straight through the entire country. Why? Because Teddy Roosevelt was a hardcore dude who just didn't give a damn. Also because it was more convenient than inventing some kind of futuristic amphibious shipping vehicle. Said hole, known by most as the Panama Canal, turned out to be a pretty big deal. Such a big deal that in 1981, "Maximum Leader of the Panamanian Revolution" (a dumb title meaning "President") Omar Torrijos' plane crashed from the sheer geopolitical significance of it. General Manuel Noriega took control of the country in 1983 and reinforced the old adage that it is really easy to be mean to people when you are an autocratic dictator.

Lookin' good, Manuel.

Palau

Palau is an island nation located east of Philippines in the Pacific Ocean. Established in 1994, Palau is notable for being one of the few independent nations that is too young to legally consume alcohol in most places. Luckily, I'm pretty sure its location constitutes international waters, meaning that Palau is also allowed to gamble and marry other nations of the same sex. The population is around 20,000 (or a little less than that of Laramie, Wyoming, if that sounds more impressive). The capital is Ngerulmud, which has a smaller population than any other national capital and can only be pronounced properly by someone who is having a stroke.

"Hey, any ideas for our flag?"
"How about a big yellow dot, slightly off-center, on a field of blue?"
"Yeah! But not regular blue. Like, 'Miami Vice' blue."
"You're a goddamn genius, you know that?"
"Yes. Yes I do."

Pakistan

Pakistan is a South Asian nation located in what is typically considered to be one of the best parts in the world to have a really sad life. Pakistan gained its independence in 1947 when the British Empire finally gave up on its crazy dream of having just one of its occupations end without countless years of ethnic violence (well, nobody's perfect). Today, Pakistan has the second-largest Muslim population in the world and is the only Muslim majority nation with a nuclear arsenal, which the United States has allowed the Pakistani military to have as long as they at least sort of pretend not to be harboring or selling weapons to members of the Taliban. As the saying goes, "The enemy of my enemy is my so-and-so." Pakistan shares a long and porous border with war-torn Afghanistan, but can always threaten to blast India off the map if its people need quick and easy access to a war zone on the other side of the country. The national motto is "Unity, Discipline, Faith," which won out narrowly over "We haven't ended the world yet, and that's probably a good sign." Pakistan's capital is Islamabad, its largest city is Karachi and its chief export is paranoia.

I don't remember this guy's name, but he may or may not live in Pakistan now.

Oman

Oman is a country and a 1976 horror film directed by Richard Donner that isn't as scary as it used to be and a 2006 remake that I haven't seen but probably wasn't that scary to begin with. Located in the Middle East, Oman is the birthplace of the popular cliché "Stuck between Saudi Arabia and hundreds of miles of gorgeous Arabian Sea coastline." Oman also shares borders with Yemen, which I don't know anything about, and United Arab Emirates, which is the one that has the indoor ski hill. Its capital, Muscat, has a human history dating back to the Stone Age and was mentioned as early as the 000s by Pliny the Elder, who described it as "A nice enough place, but good luck finding as much as a Quizno's there." The head of state is Sultan Qaboos bin Said al Said, who lent his name to Oman's Grand Mosque in 2001 because he hates America. Most people have never heard of Oman because it doesn't have as much oil as Saudi Arabia and, as mentioned before, it lacks an indoor ski hill.

Muscat: Pretty enough, but lacking in restaurant chains that fill me with a sense of familiarity and comfort.

Northern Ireland

Northern Ireland (or Ulster, if you have an accent that makes you difficult to take seriously) is a country presumably located somewhere in the northern portion of Ireland. The delinquent child in the family that is the United Kingdom, Northern Ireland has been the site of centuries' worth of arguments (the kind with bombs ["bombguments"]) over whether or not to be British. The 1800 Acts of Union made Ireland a part of the United Kingdom, leading to years of armed conflict between Protestants, who had always thought the Irish language looked stupid in print, and Irish Catholics, who believed that England should have asked nicely first. In 1920, the island was partitioned into Northern Ireland and Ireland Classic™ with the former remaining a part of the United Kingdom. In typical fashion, this resolved almost nothing. In the 1960s, Northern Ireland entered a bold new era of ethnic violence that lasted until 1998 when Bill Clinton put a stop to it by being awesome. This period is known as "The Troubles." Leave it to the British to make a long and bloody ethno-political conflict sound like something from a children's book.

The Giant's Causeway, shown here being climbed on by naked alien woman-things, is located in Northern Ireland.

Norway

Norway is a nation in northern Europe that is such an awful socialist hellhole that it has continued to prosper throughout the recent financial crisis, with its krøne currently standing as one of the world's most stable currencies. Aside from this, one of the main reasons why everybody wishes they were Norwegian is because if they were, they would be gorgeous and tall and could probably beat you up, but wouldn't need to in order to feel good about themselves. Norway has a history of conquest that has left them feeling so secure in their masculinity that they've pretty much retired from going to war with people. More than a thousand years ago, the Vikings used to sail from Norway to Iceland, Ireland and Great Britain on their awesome boats in order to set villages on fire and make women pregnant (this is the only reason why there are any attractive people in England). Norwegians also became the first Europeans to discover North America when Leif Ericsson landed in Canada or Massachusetts or something almost 500 years before that douche Christopher Columbus was even born. Most people don't know that (Author's Note: Most people are stupid). The main reason for this is because Ericsson decided not to stick around once he got here. See, his homeland looked like this and he just frankly didn't get what the big deal was.

Seriously guys, holy shit.

Nigeria

Nigeria is the most populous nation in Africa, the eighth-most populous in the world and probably the most tastefully named country on the Niger River. Nigeria has a human history that dates back as far as 9,000 B.C. and is a terrific place to dig for tribal art, make cheap reproductions of it, then place these in prominent locations throughout your living room so you'll look sophisticated and/or culturally tolerant. Nigeria has been home to a wide variety of rival ethnic groups who, during the early years of European colonization, used to play a lot of mean-spirited (and only kind of funny) practical jokes like selling each other into slavery. Nigeria gained its independence from the United Kingdom in 1960 and then descended into civil war in a shocking development that ran completely contrary to the well-known sociological maxim that a diverse country with a history of ethnic conflict and no institutionalized government will be totally fine if you just leave it to its own devices. Violence against the Igbo tribe of eastern Nigeria led to the 1967 secession of the Republic of Biafra and the ensuing Nigerian-Biafran "War." Nigeria won in the end, but things might have turned out differently if Biafra had only had weapons or food or, you know, any of the things that you should probably have in a war.

The Republic of Biafra: Like Rocky, except with the alternate ending where Apollo Creed knocks him out within the first 30 seconds, and then murders most of the Italian-Americans in Philadelphia.

Niger

Niger is a country in West Africa whose name bears a striking resemblance to a highly offensive racial slur. Oh man, isn't that hilarious? I think it is. I'm just gonna spend the rest of this entry just congratulating myself for making that connection (Author's Note: No I'm not. I like to think that I have a little more imagination and intellectual curiosity than that [you asshole]). Niger is actually named for the Niger River, which may not be very funny but it does provide what little water is available in a nation that is made almost entirely out of hot sand and despair. Since gaining independence in 1956, Niger has been in a state of almost constant political upheaval, changing its constitution about as frequently as my old roommate used to change his underpants (about once every ten years). Niger is currently run by a junta about as old as this blog, having been founded following a coup in February of this year. It is run by the Supreme Council for the Restoration of Democracy, which I did not research but I assume it's basically some kind of really low-rent West African Illuminati.

Former president Mamadou Tandja probably made a face kind of like this when he was deposed earlier this year.

Nicaragua

Nicaragua is the largest country in Central America and the largest country in the world whose name ends with -aragua. Nicaragua is unique for a number of reasons, foremost of which is the fact that, unlike any other nation, its surface is composed entirely of volcanoes and coffee beans. First colonized in the 1500s when the Spanish Empire wasn't showing a great deal of restraint or discretion, Nicaragua became an area of increased international interest in the 19th century, when European traders wanted to get from the Atlantic to the Pacific but were too lazy to sail around the tip of South America or invent the airplane. In 1856, Nicaragua was conquered by William Walker, a filibuster(er?) from Tennessee who didn't stop being a total butthole to everybody until 1860, when he was executed in Honduras. Nicaragua still owes the Hondurans a solid for that one. The next American to butthole around in Nicaragua was Ronald Reagan, who didn't have many hobbies and thought it would be fun to blow their stuff up good in 1981. That's what you get for being communists or for considering being communists. Apparently it worked, because if it hadn't, we'd all be speaking Russian by now (Author's Note: Trust me, I know how international affairs work). In 1990 Nicaragua elected Violeta Chamorro to the presidency, becoming only the second country in the world to elect a female president, after Iceland, which doesn't count.

During her presidency, Violeta Chamorro confounded all expectations by not starting a war every month when she was on her period. It's almost as if that's a stupid argument and not even really a funny joke. Why did I write it here if it's not funny, you ask? Touche.

New Zealand

New Zealand is an enchanted island nation located in the south Pacific consisting primarily of two islands known respectively as the North Island and (wait for it) the South Island. New Zealand also lays claim to the Ross Dependency of Antarctica, which would seem kind of desperate coming from any other country, but for some reason is kind of adorable when the New Zealanders do it. It might be the accents, but it's probably something more arbitrary than that (Author's Note: I am, after all, a ridiculous man who is prone to inexplicable flights of whimsy). Due to New Zealand's geographical isolation, the islands are home to many kinds of wildlife not found anywhere else, such as hobbits and King Kong. Like the dodo and many other stupid island creatures, several of New Zealand's endemic species were easily wiped out, or extinctified, upon the arrival of white settlers (bringing the total score to something like White Settlers: 12,000,096 | Rare Species: 0). The settlers failed, however, to do as thorough a job on the native Mãori people, who still constitute 15% of the country's total population. People from New Zealand are known colloquially as "Kiwis" due to their tough, furry skins and delicious, green innards.

The Haast's Eagle and the Moa are both extinct now. Like they say - "If you can't take the heat, get out of your native habitat."

Netherlands

The Netherlands (known as Holland by people who don't know that it's really called the Netherlands [i.e. idiots]) is a central European country that was one of the first parliamentary democracies and has a rich cultural history but is best known for its cheese, wooden shoes, marijuana and prostitutes (not necessarily in that order). Some famous people from the Netherlands include Anne Frank, Hieronymous Bosch and Vincent Van Gogh. Based on this sample group, one can draw the assumption that two-thirds of all Dutch people are totally bonkers. The Netherlands's's's capital, The Hague, is home to several international organizations, including the International Court of Justice and the International Criminal Court, which are apparently different things. This has led to its being known as "the legal capital of the world" by people who think that makes them sound smart (it doesn't). Basically, if you want to go on vacation someplace where you can see a real live war criminal, The Hague is your best bet. Other popular Dutch pastimes (apart from the aforementioned drugs and/or whores) include bicycling, which you've probably heard of, and mudflat hiking, which involves putting on some sturdy boots and just walking retarded distances along a coastline that kinda resembles the Molasses Swamp from Candyland.

Dutch people have way too much time on their hands.