Portugal

Portugal is a country located in southwestern Europe on the part of the Iberian Peninsula that Spain didn't want. For many years, the area which we now know as Portugal was just a place that a bunch of conquering tribes with dumb haircuts and funny languages had stomped over so that they could look at the ocean without having to be in France at the same time. At some point in what most people would probably consider to be history, the area which is now Portugal was conquered by the Moors. The Moors were pretty Muslimy, which didn't sit well with the more Catholicky crowd of dudes that eventually founded the first Portugal™ in 868 after a certain amount of unpleasantness. Over time, Portugal grew to become one of the most powerful countries in the world. That fell off pretty sharply, like, 300 years ago, but some Portuguese people are probably still proud of it, and I think that's adorable. On the upside, Portugal did manage to spread the language of Portuguese to Brazil, ultimately making South America more confusing than it really needed to be. The capital is Lisbon, if you catch my drift. I don't know what I meant by that.

Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo is Portugal's most famous douchebag, but most likely not its biggest.

Poland

Poland is a country in central Europe. Due to its location between Russia and Germany, two countries that have never had a great deal of impulse control, Poland has historically had a really difficult time not being a part of Germany or Russia. The Polish people, who you're apparently not supposed to call Polacks (but whenever possible, I do anyway) are the subject of a series of jokes that nobody thinks are funny anymore, the punchlines of which are about how Polacks (Yeah, I said it. What?) are stupid. One example of a stupid Polack (I said it again!) is Nicolaus Copernicus, who knew stuff about space that no one had ever known before, but only because he was born in the 15th century and nobody knew anything about space then. Even I know more about space than that guy, and I'm technically not even a scientist (Author's Note: Carl Sagan's "Cosmos" is available on Netflix Instant). The Polish language is notable for sounding more like the noise a person makes when he or she vomits than any other language except for maybe Hungarian, but does really Hungarian count anyway? It probably does.

Here is a buffalo-type thing that apparently lives in Poland.

Philippines

The Philippines (named for famed murderer/record producer Phil Spector) is an island nation located in the western Pacific Ocean. The country is comprised of 7107 separate islands, but remember you guys, it's quality, not quantity. If you want to see a whole lot of Filipinos hanging out in one place, your best bet is Luzon, the archipelago's largest, populous-est and [another superlative] island, located 250 kilometers from Taiwan across the Luzon Strait (which Wikipedia describes as "an important strait," but frankly I don't see it). Luzon is the location of Manila, the capital of the Philippines and the center of the 11th-largest metropolitan area in the world ("Bigger than Kolkata!" "What's Kolkata?" "It's in India!"). Filipinos speak way too many different languages, but the most popular is Tagalog, which I haven't researched, but I think is kind of like when you imitate Spanish by just speaking English while doing a really terrible, vaguely racist Spanish accent. In fact, I'm pretty sure you can just speak any language and Filipinos will be able to understand you as long as you're doing your best Antonio Banderas impression. At the very least, they might think it's funny.

These particular Filipinos will probably not be amused by your Antonio Banderas impression (unless it's really good).