Peru

Peru is an outrageous place in South America where people used to live in stone cities on top of mountains because they hated it when anything was convenient. The Inca civilization, as seen in the film "The Emperor's New Groove" (that was Inca, right?), was having what I would characterize based on my research as a pretty marvelous time up until the early 16th century, when they were conquistadored pretty heavily by Francisco Pizarro, a Spanish guy with a weird hat and a creepy beard. Peru achieved independence in 1821 and I think that's terrific. I've always liked Peru because people from there are called "Peruvians" and I like to call them "Pe-groove-ians" (Author's Note: This is merely an obnoxious nickname and not in any way a slur of the Peruvian people. Some of my best friends are Peruvians. Five of them are. I have five Peruvian best friends.). Lima, the capital, is home to over seven million residents. Wow! That's more than Peoria, Buffalo and Sacramento combined!

Nice to look at, but I wouldn't wanna live there.

Paraguay

Paraguay (Author's Note: I am furious with myself for using that "Pa-'poo'-a" joke on the last entry because now I can't make a joke about "Para-GAY" which would be even more hilarious) is a landlocked South American nation which has, due to its central position within the continent, been nicknamed "The Heart of America." Anatomically speaking, I think "The Appendix of America" would be more accurate, but that of course carries all sorts of other connotations, and I would prefer not to recommend a Paraguectomy until all the facts are in. Wow. I've already filled pretty much all the space I wanted to without ever actually saying anything about the country in question. The capital is Asunción. There. Now you've learned something.

Asunción, seen here in what appears to be a screenshot from some obscure Paraguayan "Cloverfield" spinoff.

Papua New Guinea

Papua (more like Pa-"poo"-a, am I right? Ladies?) New Guinea is a country occupying the eastern half of the island of New Guinea, which is located in Oceania and, oddly, nowhere near regular Guinea. New Guinea is thought to be one of the first landmasses on which humans lived after Africa and Eurasia, with archaeologists having discovered the remains of people who were trundling about the island more than 50,000 years ago (but don't do much trundling anymore [because they're dead]). Papua New Guinea is a very poor country, with most of its population making way less money than my dad does. 82% of the Papua New Guinean population lives outside of its urban centers and gets by on whatever Papua New Guinean crops they can coax out of the Papua New Guinean soil. Papua New Guinea is located right on the edge of the Pacific Ring of Fire (insert unfunny pun about buttholes) and is frequently hit by earthquakes and tsunamis, as well as being made almost entirely out of volcanoes; crippling poverty and near-constant natural disasters go together like peanut butter and jelly.

Mount Tarvurvur: Jelly, for the purposes of this simile.