Russia

Russia is the world's biggest country, a monolithic chunk of Eurasia that has fewer interesting things per square mile than any other nation on the planet. That's probably not entirely fair, as the western half of Russia has produced plenty of culture (mostly a lot of sad authors), whereas the eastern half is so desolate and miserable that one time a meteor exploded directly above part of it, leveling miles of forest and creating an explosion so large that it lit up the night sky all over the world, and almost nobody noticed. I think that's the part where famous dead person Yul Brynner was from. Siberia, one of the most famously shitty areas in the entire world, used to be where infamous dictator/mustache champion Josef Stalin sent people who he didn't like. Can you imagine that? What if an American president forced people to live in camps in the worst parts of the country for reasons other than because they were Japanese? Wouldn't that be crazy? Russia was ruled by a series of tsars from 1547 to 1918, when Nicholas II was doing such a lousy job that communism actually started to look like a more viable system of government. The October Revolution was led by Vladimir Lenin, whose crazy dream lasted for most of the 20th century before the fall of the Berlin Wall in late 1991. During this time, the Soviet Union not only managed to make most of eastern Europe economically retarded; they also accomplished the previously unthinkable feat of launching a dog into space. This was, and remains, the most expensive way that anyone has ever killed a dog.

Following his death, Lenin's body was mummified and remains on display at his mausoleum in Moscow for the benefit of those who think he didn't look quite creepy enough when he was still alive.

Romania

Romania is a country in eastern Europe that is going to be difficult to talk about in an original way because I already used up all of my (admittedly pretty mediocre) scary accent material on Bulgaria. I am a lazy person though, so that's not gonna stop me from making hay out of the fact that Transylvania, located in Romania, was where vampires used to live before the crash in the housing market forced all of them to move to a sad, redneck town in the Pacific Northwest. Modern-day Romania was once home to Vlad the Impaler, a major asshole whose 15th-century reign of terror inspired characters like Bram Stoker's Dracula and The Count from Sesame Street. So at least his tens of thousands of victims can take solace in the fact that their brutal executions eventually resulted in an excellent means of teaching basic arithmetic to children. Plus, it's not like they wouldn't all be dead by now anyway (I'm a glass-half-full guy). The capital of Romania is Bucharest, which apparently has such a major overpopulation of stray dogs that the problem warranted a subheading on its Wikipedia page.

Bran Castle in central Romania. Forks, Washington is a pretty big step down in my book.

Moldova

Moldova is an eastern European country located between Romania and Ukraine, where the wheat is plentiful and everyone talks like vampires (not "Twilight" vampires either. Badass vampires). Moldova is named after the Moldova River which, as the legend goes, was named after a prince's dog who was chasing after some sort of primitive cow-thing when it fell in said river and drowned. Ergo, Moldova is named after a stupid dog who couldn't swim. Like many countries in the area, Moldova has a long and proud history of being conquered by whatever roaming barbarian horde happened to be trendy at the time. These included the Goths, Huns, Magyars, and numerous other groups that also sound like they might be mutant sub-groups from X-Men. Having gained independence from the Soviet Union in 1991, Moldova remains home to a strongly supported communist party. The key difference from the Soviet years is that nobody else really cares anymore.

Moldova lays claim to a strip of land along the shore of the Dniester River known as Transnistria, which both sounds like and is a fake country.

Hungary

Hungary (Hungarians call it "Magyar" because they're stupid) is a country in Eastern Europe that has probably seen more people giving each other a rough time than just about anywhere. One of the oldest countries in Europe, Hungary has, over the past millennium, played host to hundreds of vicious showdowns between various people whose gods were hella pissed at each other, topped off with about 40 years of pretty non-terrific communism starting at the end of World War 2 (just to make sure they learned their lesson). The Hungarian language is so completely retarded that most native Hungarians actually only pretend to know how to speak it. The Hungarian coat of arms prominently features the Holy Crown of Hungary, a neat-looking hat that the Pope sent them a thousand years ago for being such a great bunch of dudes.

The crown is not supposed to look this jaunty but some drunken Hungarian dropped it down a bunch of stairs in the 17th century. Whoops.

Czech Republic

I've got kind of a bone to pick with the Czech Republic, an Eastern European nation located east of Germany and north of those people who talk like Peter Lorre from The Maltese Falcon. Look, I understand that the Czechs and the Slovaks are two separate peoples with two separate languages and so on and so forth, but I've still never forgiven either of them for splitting up before I ever had the chance to say "Czechoslovakia" without sounding like an idiot. It just rolls off the tongue, Czechoslovakia. You can't do that with most neighboring states. Franspain? Israelestine? The United States of Amexico? Hm. I actually kind of like that last one.

The capital, Prague, is full of lame old buildings that the Czechs are too lazy to tear down.

Belarus

Also known by the names "Belorussia" and "Kentucky," Belarus is a country where nobody has any fun ever. Located in eastern Europe, sharing borders with Russia, Ukraine and a few other countries that I'm not going to bother looking up at the moment, Belarus is basically a frigid wasteland, which I think is ironic because their flag looks kind of like a beach towel. Though still not exactly a vacationer's paradise by any means, the capital, Minsk, has been experiencing a minor tourism boom since Belarusian authorities decriminalized smiling in 2003.

Soviet guerrillas not having fun in Belarus during World War II.

Armenia

Situated deep within the Caucasus Mountains in some ill-defined portion of Eurasia, Armenia is best-known for how much Turkish people fucking hate it. In the words of a Turkish man who I just made up, "I fucking hate Armenia so much." The chief exports of Armenia are surliness and those too-small white cotton towels you find in hotel bathrooms. Because of its crucial strategic location on the eastern edge of Europe, Armenia is the first line of defense against any kind of Asian Invasion (in which case Turkey will stop talking shit for just about long enough for the Armenians [a diminutive, but merciless people] to save their sorry asses).

There used to be a statue of Stalin here until this bitch kicked his ass out. Their cosmic battle has been documented in the little-known Armenian action thriller "The Sword and the 'Stache."