Malawi

Malawi (from a Latin term meaning "bad awi") is a landlocked country bordering Mozambique in southeastern Africa. Its residents lived their miserable lives in abject, hopeless savagery until 1859, when British explorer David Livingstone came from the north, bringing with him the shining light of European civilization. Thanks in part to the steadfastly ambivalent efforts of the British colonial service, what was once not a country at all has now gone on to be consistently ranked as one of the most fucked nations on the planet (you're welcome). Malawi has one of the highest population densities in the world, but its population is mainly rural, and the bulk of its economy is based on agriculture. Its chief products include tobacco, sugarcane, and HIV/AIDS (unfortunately, demand for the latter has steadily decreased over the course of recent decades, while supply hasn't waned significantly).

Here's Malawi. God is pointing an enormous sniper rifle at the capital, Lilongwe.

Ireland

The Republic of Ireland is one of the main places where young, intoxicated Americans claim to be from for some stupid reason. Known for its famous drunks, potatoes, pretentious modernist writers, and things which are green, the Republic of Ireland was getting pushed around by England until 1919, when the United Kingdom reluctantly said goodbye forever to probably the most adorable accent it had in its considerable arsenal. Every March 17th, the Irish and everyone else who feels they need a decent excuse to get sloshed on a weekday celebrate St. Patrick's Day (or, as the English refer to it, "The Day When All Those Snakes Showed Up Out of Fucking Nowhere").

Irish author James Joyce wrote "Ulysses," a 1,000-word book about what a smart fellow he was.

England

Located on a small island off the coast of the European mainland, England is best-known for having been total assholes to the entire world for about 500 solid years. Most of them are still proud of it, too. The English, some 50 million pale motherfuckers who aren't, on the whole, nearly as attractive as Hugh Grant, are world-renowned for their goofy state customs and their excellent radio voices. Despite being a fairly small country, England is home to a vast range of dialects; anywhere between clipped, prissy upper class twat and incomprehensible, mongoloid lower class twat. The capital is London, which is where Didier Drogba lives.

You're goddamn right I live in London.

Belize

Now I know the name sounds like some Dutch shit or something (I do not know what Dutch sounds like), but Belize is actually the only nation in Central America whose national language is English. This is, of course, once again thanks to our friends the British, the illegitimate fathers of the modern world, who landed there in 1638 to kick out the Spaniards who were already there kicking out the Mayans. Picture a little fish being eaten by a big fish being eaten by a pale guy with bad teeth wearing penny loafers and no socks. Imperialism's a rowdy game. Honestly though, I'm not really sure why the old empire bothered with Belize at all. They probably mistook it for Nicaragua. Idiots.

The Great Blue Hole, located off the coast of Belize, is considered by many to be one of the best places in the world to go drown yourself.

Barbados

Barbados was an island nation located on the eastern edge of the Caribbean. Originally invented by the English in the 17th century because they needed something decent to put in their coffee (I don't know if you've ever tried to grow sugarcane in Sussex, but that shit is challenging) and a place to put all their excess slaves (win-win, really [unless you were a slave]), Barbados achieved its independence in 1966 and then was tragically killed in a shark attack in 1968. As the legend goes, if you leave Trinidad and Tobago on the night of a full moon and swim north, you can still hear Barbados' plaintive cries.

Here is a picture of a bunny.

Australia

Australia is weird in that it is a continent and a country at the same time. It's like, make up your minds, you fucks. The only reason white people live there is because back in the day, England needed a good place to dump everyone who annoyed them. Contrary to popular belief, most of Australia's inhabitants are not criminals, but that's sort of a misnomer because the only thing that's officially illegal there is sobriety. Another unusual thing about Australia is that nobody has ever been more than twenty miles inland, although scientists hypothesize that most of the country "looks a lot like Nevada." In the continent's interior, these scientists suppose, mythical giant jackrabbits box each other while adorable tree kittens feast on eucalyptus leaves. Really though, nobody knows for sure.

An artist's rendering of one of inland Australia's hypothetical animals. It might look cute, but don't let that fool you; this mugfugger could beat your ass (hypothetically).

Argentina

The second-largest country in South America and the eighth-largest in the universe, Argentina has been described by experts as "a little too close to Antarctica, if you catch my drift" (said experts then winked mischievously and refused to elaborate). For several decades, Argentina has been expanding its western border by a small amount every year, slowly pushing neighboring Chile into the Pacific Ocean. This is just one illustration of a notoriously dickish sense of humor that hasn't exactly endeared the Argentines to the rest of the world. In fact, the only reason why anybody likes Argentina at all is because it caused a whole lot of headaches for Margaret Thatcher back in the eighties (bitch was hilarious when she was mad).

Famous Argentine Diego Maradona totally wrecks Maggie Thatcher's day. Take that, you twat.