Senegal

Senegal is a West African nation wrapped around the Gambia, a small strip of land which the aforementioned Senegal never had the gumption or the inclination to conquer for itself and feast on its riches. The other nearby areas which Senegal has failed to annex and subjugate include Guinea-Bissau, Mali, Mauritania and the vast unclaimed depths of the Atlantic Ocean. Despite having a diverse array indigenous languages, the national language of Senegal is French, which I personally think was taking the easy way out. I've recently decided to start calling Senegal "The Disappointment of West Africa" based on its chronic underachievement in categories like size by area (88th in the world), size by population (72nd!) and GDP (111th, behind Iceland. Iceland, you guys!). Come on Senegal. Why can't you be more like your brother?

Senegal's capital, Dakar, is tiny compared to the world's largest city, Shanghai. What a letdown.

São Tomé and Príncipe

São Tomé and Príncipe is the smallest country in the world, aside from some other countries that are smaller. An island nation located some amount of miles off the coast of west Africa, São Tomé and Príncipe was uninhabited before the year 1470, when the islands were discovered by Portuguese explorers conducting an experiment to see if they could find São Tomé and Príncipe. As it turned out, they could. In 1975, São Tomé and Príncipe gained its independence from Portugal as part of an experiment to see if they could do a better job on their own. I haven't managed (nor have I tried) to find any statistics on whether or not that worked out, so I'm gonna assume that it did. One thing I like about São Tomé and Príncipe is that São Tomé has a tilde in it. I think that's pretty cool.

São Tomé and Príncipe's president is Fradique de Menezes, seen here wearing a dumb-looking bowtie.

Nigeria

Nigeria is the most populous nation in Africa, the eighth-most populous in the world and probably the most tastefully named country on the Niger River. Nigeria has a human history that dates back as far as 9,000 B.C. and is a terrific place to dig for tribal art, make cheap reproductions of it, then place these in prominent locations throughout your living room so you'll look sophisticated and/or culturally tolerant. Nigeria has been home to a wide variety of rival ethnic groups who, during the early years of European colonization, used to play a lot of mean-spirited (and only kind of funny) practical jokes like selling each other into slavery. Nigeria gained its independence from the United Kingdom in 1960 and then descended into civil war in a shocking development that ran completely contrary to the well-known sociological maxim that a diverse country with a history of ethnic conflict and no institutionalized government will be totally fine if you just leave it to its own devices. Violence against the Igbo tribe of eastern Nigeria led to the 1967 secession of the Republic of Biafra and the ensuing Nigerian-Biafran "War." Nigeria won in the end, but things might have turned out differently if Biafra had only had weapons or food or, you know, any of the things that you should probably have in a war.

The Republic of Biafra: Like Rocky, except with the alternate ending where Apollo Creed knocks him out within the first 30 seconds, and then murders most of the Italian-Americans in Philadelphia.

Niger

Niger is a country in West Africa whose name bears a striking resemblance to a highly offensive racial slur. Oh man, isn't that hilarious? I think it is. I'm just gonna spend the rest of this entry just congratulating myself for making that connection (Author's Note: No I'm not. I like to think that I have a little more imagination and intellectual curiosity than that [you asshole]). Niger is actually named for the Niger River, which may not be very funny but it does provide what little water is available in a nation that is made almost entirely out of hot sand and despair. Since gaining independence in 1956, Niger has been in a state of almost constant political upheaval, changing its constitution about as frequently as my old roommate used to change his underpants (about once every ten years). Niger is currently run by a junta about as old as this blog, having been founded following a coup in February of this year. It is run by the Supreme Council for the Restoration of Democracy, which I did not research but I assume it's basically some kind of really low-rent West African Illuminati.

Former president Mamadou Tandja probably made a face kind of like this when he was deposed earlier this year.

Mauritania

Mauritania is a Muslim, Arabic-speaking country in north Africa whose name is derived from the Latin word "Mauri," which comes from the English term "Moors" - not this guy. Despite a rather healthy oil reserve discovered off the country's Atlantic coastline in 2001, Mauritania remains a very poor country, with about a fifth of the population living on under $1.25 a day. I know, right? It's like, don't they realize that that's not nearly enough? Jeez. The first president was Ould Daddah, who annexed the southern portion of Western Sahara as part of a diabolical plot to corner the international market for rocks and dirt. His overthrow in 1978 established military coups as Mauritania's national pastime. They were all the rage until 1984, when Ould Taya took control of the country and declared "Relative political stability is the new constant upheaval." A 2005 coup brought fear and uncertainty back into style. That coup worked out so well that Mohamed Ould Abdel Aziz decided to try another one in 2008.

Mauritania's presidency has changed hands eight times in the time it took to write this entry.

Mali

Mali is a west African nation with a population of about 14.5 million folks, most of whom live in the southwestern portion of the country (also known as "the part that is not so much a terrible terrible desert"). Named for the "great" Mali Empire, which used to be hot shit way back in the day but is now not even a thing, Mali is a former French colony and one of the best places to go if you're into awesome shimmery robes. Despite being one of the poorest countries in the world, Mali has seen a great deal of economic growth over the past fifteen years, experiencing an annual GDP increase of 17.6% (which is apparently quite a lot). This has inspired the national motto, "Un peuple, un but, une foi," which is French for "Don't call it a comeback; we've been here all along." Mali's capital is Bamako, but a better-known Malian city is Timbuktu, which you probably thought was just a colloquial synonym for "Kingdom Come" or "A Significant Distance from Here" and not actually a real place. Think again (you are dumb).

Timbuktu (a real place).

Liberia

Liberia is a small African country that is unique among west African nations for having never had a bunch of Eurotrash show up and start telling it what to do. Now I know what you're thinking: "But what about Ghana?" Nope. Ghana was colonized by the British, remember? Idiot. Now you're probably thinking "Okay, but what about Cameroon?" Uh, no, they were colonized by the French. Just shut up, okay? Thanks. Liberia was originally founded in 1821 by the American Colonial Society, a group of folks who thought that black people might not want to be slaves anymore, but also didn't want them moving into their neighborhoods and driving down the property values. With that in mind, former slaves were sent to live in Liberia, and everyone was happy, except for the west African natives already living there, who were like "Who the hell are all these people?" Liberia has retained numerous cultural ties to the United States, as evidenced by their flag, which is just barely original enough to prevent Betsy Ross's heirs from suing their asses into the ground.

In 1980, Samuel Doe and his enormous eyeglasses led a successful military coup and proceeded to act like a total dick for the next ten years or so. In 1990, he was tortured and executed by the leader of a rival faction. This experience taught him an important lesson.

Guinea-Bissau

Another Guinea is at least one Guinea too many, if you ask me, so I'm just gonna blow through this real quick, okay? Guinea-Bissau used to be a Portuguese colony called Portuguese Guinea, but then they achieved independence and changed the name to Guinea-Bissau because Guinea was already taken and none of them had the gumption to come up with a new name. The capital is Bissau. That's where the Bissau part comes from.

This is what Bissau looks like when you are a bus.

Guinea

Guinea is a country bordering Mali, Cote d'Ivoire and Another Guinea in West Africa. Despite its small size, Guinea has a relatively large amount of cool shit that it can pull out of the ground and sell to other people. For instance, Guinea has the world's largest reserve of bauxite, which is apparently some sort of a thing. Guinea is also full of diamonds, which are things that you are more likely to have heard of (Author's Note: All I can say for sure is that I have heard of them). The Niger River, third-longest in Africa behind the Nile and the Congo, begins in Guinea as well, so if an evil genius decides to steal West Africa's water supply anytime in the near future, this will probably be the site of another terrible James Bond movie.

This movie made me sad.

Ghana

Ghana is a west African nation located at almost the exact geographical center of the earth's surface (the intersection of the Equator, which is a real thing, and the Prime Meridian, which is an arbitrary line originating in London because the British are way, way up their own asses). Modern-day Ghana was governed by the Ashanti dynasty until the 15th century, when the Portuguese heard a rumor that there was gold there. Needless to say, the next 500 years or so were basically a nonstop hit parade of white people popping in armed to the teeth to get their hands on as many shiny rocks as they could. Ghana later became a British colony but, during the 20th century, a few dozen years of back-and-forth wholesale slaughter eventually left the Brits "just so bloody embarrassed" that they relinquished control of the country in 1957. You know. That old chestnut.

One famous Ghanaian is Kofi Annan, who has met Brad Pitt.

The Gambia

The Gambia is an English-speaking country in western Africa that has historically annoyed neighboring Senegal by constantly referring to itself in the third person. For example:

"The Gambia would be glad to open trade relations with you, Senegal. The Gambia will sign this treaty now. The Gambia wonders if you might happen to have a pen on you at the moment. The Gambia is very pleased with the strides we are making in diplomatic and economic relations."

And so on and so forth. The Gambia is actually surrounded on all sides by Senegal, constituting only a narrow strip of land along the banks of its namesake, the Gambia River. This has earned it the nickname "Senegal's Mustache."

Sloppy grooming, Senegal.

Cote d'Ivoire

Known by people who like being able to pronounce things as the Ivory Coast, Cote d'Ivoire is a former French colony in West Africa. Unlike the Slave Coast (modern Benin and Togo) and the Gold Coast (modern Ghana), Cote d'Ivoire decided to keep their name based on how they were like, the main place for white people to shoot fucktons of elephants in the 19th century. That's like if instead of "Nebraska," they'd gone with "A Hole Full of Corn." Cote d'Ivoire's main contributions to the world are Didier Drogba and the positive proof that French is a pretty sexy language even when it's being shouted at you from beneath a black woolen balaklava while the speaker fires a rusting AK-47 into the ceiling.

You're goddamn right I come from Cote d'Ivoire.

Burkina Faso

Burkina Faso is a former French colony in west Africa, a nation which, along with Niger, appears on maps to be getting fisted from the south by Benin. Known until 1984 as the Republic of Upper Volta (a far cooler name), then-president Thomas Sankara changed the name to Burkina Faso, meaning "Land of Honest Men." Soon thereafter, he was killed in a military coup and replaced by a president who has now overstayed his term limit by five years and counting. That's irony on a pretty basic level, but I like it. The capital is Ouagadougou, and I don't know anything about it except that it is a tremendous amount of fun to say. Ouagadougou. Ouagadougou. Heehee.

Curren Burkinabé President, Blaise "Don't look at me, I didn't name the fuckin' country" Compaoré.

Benin

Most people haven't heard of Benin but that really isn't their fault - in 1972, Benin came under the control of a communist regime and the CIA retaliated by secretly removing the country from every single world map they could get their hands on. Most admit that it was kind of a petty gesture and probably not really worth it in the end. As they say, once you go communist, you never go back until you realize that communism is basically just a terrible time and not any fun at all. Benin democratized in 1991, but CIA budget cuts during the late eighties mean that most globes still label it as "New Liberia."

Benin shares borders with both Niger and Nigeria, which must be awfully confusing.