Morocco

Morocco is a North African country where a lot of people speak French, which I think is neat (Author's Note: No I don't). During its heady days as a French protectorate, Morocco was a pretty cool place to be French and a pretty terrible place to be Moroccan. In 1953, the French exiled Sultan Mohamed V to Madagascar. Unlike "Rocky V," Mohamed V was not generally thought to be a really bad movie with a terrible climax (honestly, what kind of boxing movie ends with a fight next to some trash cans behind a bar?), and his exile provoked the uprising of a Moroccan nationalist movement. To his annoyance, Mohamed V was returned to Morocco in 1955, just when he had started to get used to the climate, discover some really neat bars and restaurants and really build his own social circle in Madagascar. Morocco achieved independence the following year, but stuck with the king on account of their old-school sensibilities. In the seventies, Morocco annexed neighboring Western Sahara because there is so much great stuff there.

The current king of Morocco is Mohamed Balboa.

Libya

The Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya is a big ol' nation located in north Africa on the southern shore of the Mediterranean Sea. Its primary export is sand, of which it has hundreds of varieties, each of them sandier than the last (well, as long as you list them in order from least sandy to sandiest). Libya holds a place of prominence on any well-respected historian's list of things ruined by Italian people in the 20th century, having been colonized by those dudes right around the start of World War I. The Italians spread many aspects of their culture to Libya during the interwar years; in particular, dying in forced labor camps became a very popular pastime for local Bedouins during this period. Since 1969 Libya's government has been a Jamahiriya (a goofy made-up word for something like a socialist republic [not to be confused with Jamiroquai, a goofy made-up word for a '90s acid jazz group from London]) led by Muammar al-Gaddafi, a saggy old lady with a penchant for funny hats.

The Libyan flag is a green field with no distinguishing features, symbolizing the nation's proud tradition of creative bankruptcy.

Egypt

Egypt, otherwise known as Where Everybody Lived Before Living Anywhere Else Had Been Invented Yet, is a North African country that most people have heard of. This is because Egyptians are constantly winding up on the wrong side of history. I mean, a lot of cultures throughout the years have enslaved other people, but as far as I know, the Egyptians were the only ones who did it to a people who just happened to have a fierce and omnipotent god on their side. Rotten luck, really. And then, as if that wasn't enough, their kings built these giant monuments so that they would be well-provided for in the afterlife, never realizing that all they were doing was making it easy for a bunch of assholes to dig up their corpses later, then put them on tables and charge money to gawk at them, occasionally bringing one to life by accident and then sending Brendan Fraser to destroy it.

It probably would have been cheaper to just build a huge sign that said "DIG HERE."