Burundi

Most notorious among Americans for its mention in the popular 20th century playground taunt "I see Chad, I see Burundi / I see Suzy Collins' undies," Burundi is a small central African country located on the northern tip of Lake Tanganyika. Burundi became a German colony back in the day when all of Europe was having like, this big fantasy draft to decide who got to wrest which parts of Africa from the tenuous grasp of the hapless natives. After returning from the bathroom in one of the latter rounds to discover that everything had been taken except for Burundi and Somalia, Germany sighed heavily and said "Okay, fuck it, we'll take Burundi. I knew we should have picked up Mozambique in an earlier round." Portugal then laughed gloatingly. It later wound up in Belgian hands because Germany totally sucks at world wars.

Burundi was basically the fat kid on the German Empire's dodgeball team.

Burma

Burma, also known by the alias Myanmar (or Burmanmar, as I like to call it), is a nation of some 50 million (mostly Burmese) people located in southeast Asia, north of the Andaman Sea (which doesn't really appear to be a sea so much as a random chunk of the Bay of Bengal that someone arbitrarily decided to give a different name just to confuse everybody [Author's Note: Cartographers are dicks]). The national anthem is "Kaba Ma Kyei," which translates roughly to "Don't Cross Me or You Just Might Wake Up in the Middle of the Night with a Goddamn Tiger in Your Bed and We'll See Who's Laughing Then, You Asshole." This tends to create a really uncomfortable atmosphere at the start of Burmese baseball games.

The largest city, Rangoon, is such a shitty place that the Burmese decided to build a new capital, Naypyidaw, from scratch in 2005.

Burkina Faso

Burkina Faso is a former French colony in west Africa, a nation which, along with Niger, appears on maps to be getting fisted from the south by Benin. Known until 1984 as the Republic of Upper Volta (a far cooler name), then-president Thomas Sankara changed the name to Burkina Faso, meaning "Land of Honest Men." Soon thereafter, he was killed in a military coup and replaced by a president who has now overstayed his term limit by five years and counting. That's irony on a pretty basic level, but I like it. The capital is Ouagadougou, and I don't know anything about it except that it is a tremendous amount of fun to say. Ouagadougou. Ouagadougou. Heehee.

Curren Burkinabé President, Blaise "Don't look at me, I didn't name the fuckin' country" Compaoré.

Bulgaria

Bulgaria is a Balkan state and the third-largest country in southeastern Europe, which is apparently remarkable for some reason. The country contains a wide array of natural scenery, from gorgeous Black Sea coastline to Danubian plains which look terrific in most of the pictures I've been able to find but probably kinda resemble Kansas in real life. In the first half of the 20th century, they attempted to add Grecian Macedonia to this portfolio by shrewdly joining the losing sides in both world wars. Oddly enough, this unorthodox strategy didn't pan out. The Bulgarian people have a long and proud tradition of bushy eyebrows, shifty eyes and scary accents, which have drawn the fear and mistrust of all of their neighbors except for the Serbs (and don't get me fuckin' started on the Serbs).

Bulgaria is a major force in the worlds of wrestling, weightlifting and competitively making people nervous.

Brunei

The Nation of Brunei, Abode of Peace is a southeast Asian country consisting of the couple of dots on the island of Borneo which are not Malaysia or Indonesia. An Islamic absolute monarchy, Brunei is the domain of Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah, known for his comically large car collection, reportedly consisting of somewhere between 3,000 and 6,000 automobiles, a number which would be impossible to justify even if Bolkiah got around by riding two cars like waterskis (as far as I know, he does not). Look, I'm not saying that he's compensating for anything, I just think it's an interesting coincidence that he also has a tiny penis (Author's Note: Sometimes Wikipedia knows things that it probably shouldn't).

Hassanal Bolkiah: A 12-year-old boy trapped in the body of a 64-year-old sex offender.

Brazil

Brazil is the largest country in South America and the only one in which Portuguese is the national language (you think that makes you special, don't you Brazil? Piss off). The capital is Brasilia, which is bullshit because São Paulo and Rio de Janeiro are the only Brazilian cities I've got any time for (although I find that Belém really hits the spot every once in awhile). Brazil is home to the vast majority of the Amazon Rainforest, which Brazilians apparently consider to be a dubious distinction because they can't seem to chop that shit down fast enough. They're all "Oh, what's that? A rare and beautiful species of bird not found anywhere else in the world? Fuck off, we're putting a Safeway here." Since Brazilians are basically nutty about being Catholic, they built a 130-foot tall concrete Jesus in Rio de Janeiro back in 1931, the theory being that during the end times, 130-foot Jesus will come to life and stomp Rio's ass like a holy concrete Godzilla.

"Watch your ass, Brazil"
~ 1st Corinthians, 2:7

Botswana

Botswana is an African nation located in the middle of this awful fucking desert just north of South Africa. Botswana became a British protectorate (which is presumably different from a colony in some way but who knows, really?) in 1885, reacting to incursions from Dutch Afrikaaners who were apparently no longer satisfied with just being dicks to South Africa. In 1966, Botswana achieved full independence and has since experienced great economic growth, mainly by virtue of being a less shitty place than neighboring Zimbabwe. An estimated 24% of the population has HIV or AIDS, so if you're going to exchange blood with some people from Botswana, I'd recommend limiting yourself to a maximum of three. Any higher and you're pushing your luck.

Bushmen in Botswana's Kalahari Desert attempting to invent the flamethrower.

Bosnia and Herzegovina

Bonzo-Herzegovina is a non-hyphenated country located on the Balkan peninsula and a former part of Yugoslavia, a magical nation where almost any dispute could be solved by setting somebody on fire. The Bosniaks and the Herzegovernors ended up as roommates because they were the only guys in the region who could be around each other for any extended period of time without leaving active grenades under one another's pillows at night. The capital, Sarajevo, is best-known as the place where Austrian nobleman/Scottish indie rock band Franz Ferdinand was assassinated in 1914, giving the rest of Europe the excuse they needed to try out all their awesome new guns on each other.

Sarajevo is basically the Bad News Capital of Europe.

Bolivia

Bolivia is a country hovering in the stratosphere above central South America, best known for bordering Lake Titicaca, consistently ranked #1 in Time magazine's annual "Top 50 Things in the World that 3rd-Graders Think Are Hilarious" issue (having just edged out France and the San Andreas Fault in 2009 [Author's Note: Don't ask me. Children are basically dumb as hell.]). Its capital, La Paz (Spanish for "The Paz"), is the world's highest capital city, which is ironic because the Bolivian space program sucks ass. Located at an altitude of more than two miles above sea level, La Paz is also notable for having given birth to a super race of people who can live for almost a full week without oxygen.

If you ever get in a fight with someone from La Paz, do not try to choke him. It will not work.

Bhutan

Located in the Himalayan foothills south of China, Bhutan is one of those countries I wish I could have visited like thirty years ago so that I could use my modern clothing and something most of us consider to be a mundane everyday object (e.g. a Swiss Army knife or stainless steel cheese slicer) to awe its people and trick them into thinking I was some kind of a god, or at least a minor bodhisattva. Of course, now they have technology. Sort of. Well, they're AWARE of technology. Like, if you mentioned technology in a conversation, they wouldn't be like "What's that?" Bhutanese people are basically like the Buddhist Amish. In their spare time, the Bhutanese enjoy drawing penises all over everything. I'm not kidding.

See?

Benin

Most people haven't heard of Benin but that really isn't their fault - in 1972, Benin came under the control of a communist regime and the CIA retaliated by secretly removing the country from every single world map they could get their hands on. Most admit that it was kind of a petty gesture and probably not really worth it in the end. As they say, once you go communist, you never go back until you realize that communism is basically just a terrible time and not any fun at all. Benin democratized in 1991, but CIA budget cuts during the late eighties mean that most globes still label it as "New Liberia."

Benin shares borders with both Niger and Nigeria, which must be awfully confusing.

Belize

Now I know the name sounds like some Dutch shit or something (I do not know what Dutch sounds like), but Belize is actually the only nation in Central America whose national language is English. This is, of course, once again thanks to our friends the British, the illegitimate fathers of the modern world, who landed there in 1638 to kick out the Spaniards who were already there kicking out the Mayans. Picture a little fish being eaten by a big fish being eaten by a pale guy with bad teeth wearing penny loafers and no socks. Imperialism's a rowdy game. Honestly though, I'm not really sure why the old empire bothered with Belize at all. They probably mistook it for Nicaragua. Idiots.

The Great Blue Hole, located off the coast of Belize, is considered by many to be one of the best places in the world to go drown yourself.

Belgium

Belgium is a small western European country, best known by German soldiers as a really easy way to get into France. The capital is Brussels, where it is far more difficult to get some decent waffles than you might expect. Belgium suffers from cripplingly low self-esteem, which it deals with by keeping Luxembourg nearby at all times in order to look tough by comparison. The average Belgian spends most of his or her spare time wishing he or she were from France or the Netherlands instead. They apparently still have a king, but I just looked up a picture of "Albert II" and I gotta say, I'm pretty sure they're actually just getting scammed by an aging commercial airline pilot.

Albert II may be a king but in the grand scheme of things, he's probably only slightly higher on the food chain than you are.

Belarus

Also known by the names "Belorussia" and "Kentucky," Belarus is a country where nobody has any fun ever. Located in eastern Europe, sharing borders with Russia, Ukraine and a few other countries that I'm not going to bother looking up at the moment, Belarus is basically a frigid wasteland, which I think is ironic because their flag looks kind of like a beach towel. Though still not exactly a vacationer's paradise by any means, the capital, Minsk, has been experiencing a minor tourism boom since Belarusian authorities decriminalized smiling in 2003.

Soviet guerrillas not having fun in Belarus during World War II.

Barbados

Barbados was an island nation located on the eastern edge of the Caribbean. Originally invented by the English in the 17th century because they needed something decent to put in their coffee (I don't know if you've ever tried to grow sugarcane in Sussex, but that shit is challenging) and a place to put all their excess slaves (win-win, really [unless you were a slave]), Barbados achieved its independence in 1966 and then was tragically killed in a shark attack in 1968. As the legend goes, if you leave Trinidad and Tobago on the night of a full moon and swim north, you can still hear Barbados' plaintive cries.

Here is a picture of a bunny.

Bangladesh

Bangladesh is a country located next to India in the heart of what the British like to refer to as the "Sorry about that, chaps" region of south Asia. Bangladesh is similar to Sweden in that both of them are countries, but different in that it has a tropical climate and is full of poor people. The primary export is Bangladeshi people who are getting the hell out of Dodge. The national language is Bengali, which I thought was the name of a movie but it turned out I was thinking of "Fern Gully." My bad. The capital is Dhaka, a city of some seven million residents nicknamed (not making this up) "The Rickshaw Capital of the World." Wow guys, sounds great. I'm totally booking my plane ticket right now.

Rickshaws in Dhaka. They don't look like much but they get terrific gas mileage.

Bahrain

Bahrain is a small island nation in the Persian Gulf that aspires to be a sort of junior United Arab Emirates, which is lucky because if there's one thing the world needs, it's another soulless, decadent shithole where Arab billionaires can go during weekends to purchase little vials of crude oil and then inject them into the tiny blood vessels between their toes. The capital, Manama (twinned with Bahrain's second-largest city, Doodoodoodoodoo) is noteworthy for having a skyline designed entirely by and for people who are twelve years old. Bahrain is nearly impossible to say out loud without sounding at least kinda pissed.

Manama's most iconic landmark, the twin towers of Bahrain Financial Harbor. Most people are disappointed when they find out that it doesn't transform into a giant robot.

Bahamas

The Bahamas is the result of a primitive game show, popular among members of the British imperial service during the 18th century, in which each contestant was given a boat and a bunch of flags, which he would then go stick into as many islands, cays and random rocks sticking out of the water as he could within a certain time period. The winner, Sir Edward Von Bahamas, became the first prime minister, or president, or whatever the fuck they have down there. The end result? A totally awesome place for white people to go get sunburned.

Places where Ernest Hemingway has gotten drunk: a series
#1. Bimini