Norway

Norway is a nation in northern Europe that is such an awful socialist hellhole that it has continued to prosper throughout the recent financial crisis, with its krøne currently standing as one of the world's most stable currencies. Aside from this, one of the main reasons why everybody wishes they were Norwegian is because if they were, they would be gorgeous and tall and could probably beat you up, but wouldn't need to in order to feel good about themselves. Norway has a history of conquest that has left them feeling so secure in their masculinity that they've pretty much retired from going to war with people. More than a thousand years ago, the Vikings used to sail from Norway to Iceland, Ireland and Great Britain on their awesome boats in order to set villages on fire and make women pregnant (this is the only reason why there are any attractive people in England). Norwegians also became the first Europeans to discover North America when Leif Ericsson landed in Canada or Massachusetts or something almost 500 years before that douche Christopher Columbus was even born. Most people don't know that (Author's Note: Most people are stupid). The main reason for this is because Ericsson decided not to stick around once he got here. See, his homeland looked like this and he just frankly didn't get what the big deal was.

Seriously guys, holy shit.

Lithuania

What can I say about Lithuania that hasn't already been said? A lot, probably, because I very rarely hear anyone talk about Lithuania. Located in northern Europe, Lithuania is the southernmost of the three Baltic states (characterized by many as "the sensitive one" [Author's Note: I've been told that Estonia is "the funny one," but I guess everything's relative.]). In 1990, Lithuania became the first Soviet state to gain independence. The Soviets, apparently having nothing better to do, responded with an economic blockade, then killed 14 civilians in an ill-fated attempt to destroy Lithuanian television (or something). The Lithuanian capital, Vilnius, was named European Capital of Culture for 2009. Paris, eat your heart out.

Vytautas the Great, a medieval king of Lithuania, looks awfully smug here for someone who's been dead for 600 years.

Latvia

Latvia is a northern European nation where I would recommend going if you want to vacation in Europe, but you don't want to spend much money or have any fun at all. Being the hardest-hit of any European nation by the recent financial meltdown, exacerbated by a tumultuous change of leadership in 2009, Latvia has not been heard from in about ten months, but most experts posit that the locals not fortunate enough to own a reinforced basement or shed are currently locked in a constant death struggle in the streets of towns such as Riga, the capital. Though few actually believe the Latvians to have resorted to eating human flesh for sustenance as of this posting, many agree that it's "just a matter of time," especially given the exceptionally cruel winters which may or may not often occur there (Author's Note: If you think I have time for the weather conditions of northern Europe, you are dead wrong because I do not.). In short, life in Latvia is probably no more than 20% better than it was under the Soviet Union.

Latvian president Valdis Zatlers: missing, presumed dead.

Estonia

Estonia is a European country located just south of the Gulf of Finland (which boasts some of the shittiest surfing locations known to man). In 2002, a Fox News report on Germany aired, showing a negatized version of the German flag in order to cast aspersions on the country's character for some reason. As the majority of Estonians had been up all night drinking cough medicine prior to the newscast, they were immediately drawn to the weird color scheme of the corrupted pattern and soon adopted the flag as their own. Sadly, this is the most interesting thing that has ever happened in northern Europe.

"Germany: A pretty decent country on the whole."

"OR IS IT?"

Denmark

Denmark is a small [Socialist!] nation in Northern Europe, desperately trapped between Germany and a relatively cold body of water. Its population consists mainly of vikings, weird filmmakers and people who make uncomfortably relentless eye contact while talking to you. None of them can grow beards. Its capital, Copenhagen, is located on an island so close to the Scandinavian peninsula that, on a day when the wind is coming off of the Baltic Sea in a certain way, its inhabitants can actually smell the foul stinking breath of the Swedes.

Danish filmmaker Lars Von Trier is one of the world's most respected creators of movies that no one could possibly enjoy.