Peru

Peru is an outrageous place in South America where people used to live in stone cities on top of mountains because they hated it when anything was convenient. The Inca civilization, as seen in the film "The Emperor's New Groove" (that was Inca, right?), was having what I would characterize based on my research as a pretty marvelous time up until the early 16th century, when they were conquistadored pretty heavily by Francisco Pizarro, a Spanish guy with a weird hat and a creepy beard. Peru achieved independence in 1821 and I think that's terrific. I've always liked Peru because people from there are called "Peruvians" and I like to call them "Pe-groove-ians" (Author's Note: This is merely an obnoxious nickname and not in any way a slur of the Peruvian people. Some of my best friends are Peruvians. Five of them are. I have five Peruvian best friends.). Lima, the capital, is home to over seven million residents. Wow! That's more than Peoria, Buffalo and Sacramento combined!

Nice to look at, but I wouldn't wanna live there.

Paraguay

Paraguay (Author's Note: I am furious with myself for using that "Pa-'poo'-a" joke on the last entry because now I can't make a joke about "Para-GAY" which would be even more hilarious) is a landlocked South American nation which has, due to its central position within the continent, been nicknamed "The Heart of America." Anatomically speaking, I think "The Appendix of America" would be more accurate, but that of course carries all sorts of other connotations, and I would prefer not to recommend a Paraguectomy until all the facts are in. Wow. I've already filled pretty much all the space I wanted to without ever actually saying anything about the country in question. The capital is Asunción. There. Now you've learned something.

Asunción, seen here in what appears to be a screenshot from some obscure Paraguayan "Cloverfield" spinoff.

Guyana

Guyana is a small former British colony on the north coast of South America among a couple of other little bitch countries that speak Dutch or something. Its capital is Georgetown, a port city of some 200,000 residents. However, more people have probably heard of Jonestown, a temporary settlement near the Venezuelan border where, in 1978, more than 900 people offed themselves en-masse because some douche from Indiana told them to. Needless to say, the Guyanese tourism industry has never recovered.

Jim Jones: Just like Jesus except that Jesus wasn't a total asshole.

Ecuador

Ecuador is a mountainous country in northwestern South America, notable for being one of the main countries that is named after an imaginary line. It's a good concept, but in my opinion it was applied in the wrong place; I'd much rather Saudi Arabia had been named "Cancer." Ecuador holds domain over the Galápagos Islands, best known as the place where Charles Darwin, a 19th-century British scientist who totally hated Jesus, invented a bunch of nonsensical shit about how we used to be monkeys.

What a dick.

Colombia

A mountainous nation in South America, Colombia is most famous for its fleece jackets and basketball shorts and such. If you're looking to score some cocaine, Colombia is pretty much the place. The capital, Bogota, is the third-highest capital city on the planet, but like, the altitude kind and not the bloodshot-eyes-and-grindy-teeth kind. Colombia used to be merged with Panama under the name "New Granada," but then the good old USA came along and totally wrecked that relationship. Because of its unique position straddling the isthmus of Panama, Colombia was also one of the few countries for whom the Panama Canal did absolutely nothing whatsoever. Both of these contributed to the selection in 1925 of the current Colombian national motto: "Teddy Roosevelt: Fuck that guy."

"Colombia" comes from an antiquated Spanish term translating roughly to "She who kisses Panama in an inappropriate way."

Chile

Chile (NOT pronounced the same as chili, you stupid shit) is a South American country that only exists because the Argentinians were too goddamn lazy to bother crossing the Andes. Despite the fact that Chile is only about forty feet east-west at its widest points and its residents walk around watching their feet all the time as they live in constant danger of falling into the Pacific Ocean, Chile is actually one of the best places in South America to live. This is mainly due to the fact that the average citizen is unlikely to have a drug lord (Author's Note: I believe they prefer the term "extralegal pharmaceutical entrepreneur") arbitrarily murder them out of sheer boredom. This is, however, still a relatively novel concept for Chileans, because up until 1990 the country was run by a dictator who did practically nothing but arbitrarily murder people out of sheer boredom.

Augusto Pinochet: Former president/albino douchebag.

Brazil

Brazil is the largest country in South America and the only one in which Portuguese is the national language (you think that makes you special, don't you Brazil? Piss off). The capital is Brasilia, which is bullshit because São Paulo and Rio de Janeiro are the only Brazilian cities I've got any time for (although I find that Belém really hits the spot every once in awhile). Brazil is home to the vast majority of the Amazon Rainforest, which Brazilians apparently consider to be a dubious distinction because they can't seem to chop that shit down fast enough. They're all "Oh, what's that? A rare and beautiful species of bird not found anywhere else in the world? Fuck off, we're putting a Safeway here." Since Brazilians are basically nutty about being Catholic, they built a 130-foot tall concrete Jesus in Rio de Janeiro back in 1931, the theory being that during the end times, 130-foot Jesus will come to life and stomp Rio's ass like a holy concrete Godzilla.

"Watch your ass, Brazil"
~ 1st Corinthians, 2:7

Bolivia

Bolivia is a country hovering in the stratosphere above central South America, best known for bordering Lake Titicaca, consistently ranked #1 in Time magazine's annual "Top 50 Things in the World that 3rd-Graders Think Are Hilarious" issue (having just edged out France and the San Andreas Fault in 2009 [Author's Note: Don't ask me. Children are basically dumb as hell.]). Its capital, La Paz (Spanish for "The Paz"), is the world's highest capital city, which is ironic because the Bolivian space program sucks ass. Located at an altitude of more than two miles above sea level, La Paz is also notable for having given birth to a super race of people who can live for almost a full week without oxygen.

If you ever get in a fight with someone from La Paz, do not try to choke him. It will not work.

Argentina

The second-largest country in South America and the eighth-largest in the universe, Argentina has been described by experts as "a little too close to Antarctica, if you catch my drift" (said experts then winked mischievously and refused to elaborate). For several decades, Argentina has been expanding its western border by a small amount every year, slowly pushing neighboring Chile into the Pacific Ocean. This is just one illustration of a notoriously dickish sense of humor that hasn't exactly endeared the Argentines to the rest of the world. In fact, the only reason why anybody likes Argentina at all is because it caused a whole lot of headaches for Margaret Thatcher back in the eighties (bitch was hilarious when she was mad).

Famous Argentine Diego Maradona totally wrecks Maggie Thatcher's day. Take that, you twat.