Saint Vincent and the Grenadines

In the cosmic sense, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines has no significance whatsoever.

I, too, felt ready to start life all over again. It was as if that great rush of anger had washed me clean, emptied me of hope, and, gazing up at the dark sky spangled with its signs and stars, for the first time, the first, I laid my heart open to the benign indifference of the universe. To feel it so like myself, indeed, so brotherly, made me realize that I’d been happy, and that I was happy still. For all to be accomplished, for me to feel less lonely, all that remained to hope was that on the day of my execution there should be a huge crowd of spectators and that they should greet me with howls of execration.

Saint Lucia

Saint Lucia is an island nation in the Caribbean. It achieved independence from the United Kingdom in 1979. The capital is Castries. Who has time for such things when one day all of us will die?

Saint Lucia's flag is brightly colored to distract its citizens from the inevitability of death.

Saint Kitts and Nevis

Saint Kitts and Nevis is the first of way too many inconsequential island nations whose names all start with the letter 'S', and will thus be afforded even less attention than most of the island nations I've already done. Located in the Leeward Island chain of the east Caribbean, Saint Kitts and Nevis consists of two islands: Saint Kitts, and another one whose name I was unable to dig up in my research. With a population of just over 50,000, Saint Kitts and Nevis is the smallest country in the Americas (in case you care [You don't though, so why did I bother? (Why do I do anything? What's the point? Does my life have any meaning at all?)]).

A view from Saint Kitts of the other island, whatever it's called. The blue part is the ocean.

Panama

Not to be confused with "banana," which is a different thing entirely, Panama is a Van Halen song and a nation located on a narrow isthmus in what I guess would be called South Central America. For countless millenia, Panama kept the Pacific Ocean from spilling over into the Atlantic Ocean, and vice versa. In 1904, heedless of this important function (as well as what was, at the time, considered to be the very real possibility of South America floating willy-nilly into the Antarctic Ocean and Tierra del Fuego-ing some poor penguin in the eye), Teddy Roosevelt decided to dig a hole straight through the entire country. Why? Because Teddy Roosevelt was a hardcore dude who just didn't give a damn. Also because it was more convenient than inventing some kind of futuristic amphibious shipping vehicle. Said hole, known by most as the Panama Canal, turned out to be a pretty big deal. Such a big deal that in 1981, "Maximum Leader of the Panamanian Revolution" (a dumb title meaning "President") Omar Torrijos' plane crashed from the sheer geopolitical significance of it. General Manuel Noriega took control of the country in 1983 and reinforced the old adage that it is really easy to be mean to people when you are an autocratic dictator.

Lookin' good, Manuel.

Nicaragua

Nicaragua is the largest country in Central America and the largest country in the world whose name ends with -aragua. Nicaragua is unique for a number of reasons, foremost of which is the fact that, unlike any other nation, its surface is composed entirely of volcanoes and coffee beans. First colonized in the 1500s when the Spanish Empire wasn't showing a great deal of restraint or discretion, Nicaragua became an area of increased international interest in the 19th century, when European traders wanted to get from the Atlantic to the Pacific but were too lazy to sail around the tip of South America or invent the airplane. In 1856, Nicaragua was conquered by William Walker, a filibuster(er?) from Tennessee who didn't stop being a total butthole to everybody until 1860, when he was executed in Honduras. Nicaragua still owes the Hondurans a solid for that one. The next American to butthole around in Nicaragua was Ronald Reagan, who didn't have many hobbies and thought it would be fun to blow their stuff up good in 1981. That's what you get for being communists or for considering being communists. Apparently it worked, because if it hadn't, we'd all be speaking Russian by now (Author's Note: Trust me, I know how international affairs work). In 1990 Nicaragua elected Violeta Chamorro to the presidency, becoming only the second country in the world to elect a female president, after Iceland, which doesn't count.

During her presidency, Violeta Chamorro confounded all expectations by not starting a war every month when she was on her period. It's almost as if that's a stupid argument and not even really a funny joke. Why did I write it here if it's not funny, you ask? Touche.

Mexico

Mexico is a North American nation, the Americas' fifth-largest by area and home to the world's largest Mexican-speaking population. Mexico has a long and rich history, with evidence of human presence dating back as far as 21,000 BC (or: 17,000 years before Jesus invented the universe). More recently, Mexico was home to great civilizations like the Aztecs, whose kings used to eat human hearts and draw blood from their scrotums in their spare time, and the Mayans, who are going to look really dumb if any of us are still alive in 2013. These cultures dominated modern-day Mexico until the arrival of Hernán Cortés, a Spaniard who was annoyed with the lack of opportunities to indiscriminately murder people in his homeland. During his conquest of the Aztecs, Cortés also succeeded in popularizing smallpox, which was all the rage in the 1520s. A more sustainable trend was Catholicism, which remains popular in Mexico to this day. This backfired in 1810, when an uppity priest named Miguel began an uprising for Mexican independence, to which the Spaniards replied "Okay, we'll leave in like ten years, but first we're gonna shoot you." And they did. The first Mexican Constitution was drafted in 1824, but that didn't last long before it was dissolved by Santa Anna, a rotten dude who also killed Davy Crockett. Mexico gave the whole constitution thing another go in 1917 and it seems to have at least sort of stuck this time around. This development (and NAFTA) notwithstanding, Mexico is currently a scary place, rife with tumult, uncertainty, and things similar to tumult and uncertainty, in which you're about as likely to be employed as you are to be beheaded and abandoned in the desert.

Mexico's primary resources include natural gas and good times for drunk white people.

Jamaica

Jamaica is an island in the Caribbean with more threatening-looking black people per capita than just about any other nation in the world. Though mainly known for its gorgeous beaches, reggae music and marijuana, Jamaica's capital, Kingston, is also a pretty terrific place if you're into violent crime. Some of its best-known residents have included Bob Marley, Peter Tosh and Dr. No. People from Jamaica frequently say things like "Ya mon," "Irie," and "Hey dude, stop being a racist."

Sean Kingston is a solid example of a person who is not from Jamaica.

Honduras

Honduras (pronounced "owned-yer-azz") is a small Central American country which has drawn the resentment of its neighbors El Salvador and Guatemala by connecting them, however tenuously, to what they typically refer to as "fucking Nicaragua." The capital is Tegucigalpa, which is at least twice as much fun to say as it could possibly be to live there. The national anthem is "National Anthem of Honduras" and the national dish is Honduran food.

A night-time view of Tegucigalpa, which apparently looks a lot like St. Regis, Montana.

Haiti

Haiti is the half of Hispaniola that was recently voted "Most Likely to Spontaneously Disappear into the Caribbean Without the Slightest Warning" by a panel of experts in a Radison hotel ballroom somewhere. Haiti was founded in 1804 by former slaves who boldly rose up and threw off the shackles of the French, only to throw on the shackles of disease, crippling poverty, and basically merciless destruction from every possible direction. Almost nothing in this country's history has not been a bummer. The "capital" is Port-au-Prince, a really big, mashed-up mound of concrete on the western face of the island.

Anderson Cooper, CNN anchor/mayor of Port-au-Prince.

Guatemala

Guatemala, or Mexico's Footstool, is a Central American country that positively reeks of fresh coffee beans. "Yeah, it might sound okay, but boy do you get sick of it," one hypothetical Guatemalan might say. The capital is Guatemala City, which was, in what I think is an extraordinary coincidence, actually named after a different Guatemala (apparently the two weren't even related).

The Guatemalan city of Zunil. Picturesque as hell, dogg.

Grenada

An island in the Lesser Antilles approximately the size of a regulation tennis court, Grenada is a former British colony that only wishes it were as historically irrelevant as Antigua and Barbuda. No such luck. In 1983, Grenada was the site of a communist military coup, giving the island the dubious distinction of being the smallest country to ever make Ronald Reagan nervous. Of course, he sorted them out right quick, proving once and for all that the United States does, in fact, have a stronger military than a nation a little more than two-thirds the size of Pomona, California.

"Hail Satan!"

El Salvador

Don't get me wrong, El Salvador is a pretty great place to buy bananas. I'm just saying that if you go there and randomly ask a guy on the street for one he will probably punch you. They use the American dollar as currency there, which I think is a nice gesture (Author's Note: This change was mainly motivated by constant ridicule suffered by Salvadoreans for their previous currency, the colón). San Salvador is generally considered to be one of the main places that is a city there. Salvadoreans love to listen to terrible flute music, but are mostly alright otherwise.

The capital is San Salvador, which is Spanish for something.

Dominican Republic

Located on the eastern half of Hispaniola (the part which is not pretty much constantly suffering the seven plagues of Egypt), the Dominican Republic is a country with an agreeable climate and little to no likelihood of being smushed completely out of nowhere by the vengeful thumb of God. Its primary exports are cane sugar and New York Yankees. Like Dominica, it was discovered by Christopher Columbus, who apparently wasn't very good at coming up with new names for things.

Columbus: Spanish for 'originality.'

Dominica

Dominica is one of those stupid little islands in the Caribbean that insists on being its own nation because apparently it's never heard of any of the, like, seven other inconsequential landmasses nearby and doesn't realize how much easier it is to learn one country than eight. Sheesh. What have you got that Guadeloupe doesn't? That's right. Nothing. Get with the program, you dicks. Dominica was discovered by Christopher Columbus, and that is basically the only thing it has in common with Ohio.

One of these green islands is Dominica. Which one? Who gives a shit?

Cuba

Cuba is an island-full-o'-commies located pretty much smack in the middle of the Caribbean. Cuba's president used to be Fidel Castro, this beardy guy whose corpse they wheeled around on a dolly in a kind of "Weekend at Bernie's" situation that lasted for several decades before someone finally noticed he was dead and his brother Raul (also deceased) stepped in. The United States has been trying real hard to pretend that Cuba doesn't exist ever since the JFK days, when a bunch of CIA dudes tried to start some shit and totally got bushwhacked on a beach somewhere. The country's motto is "Homeland or Death," but a more accurate one would probably be "Homeland, Death, or Florida If You're Lucky."

Places where Ernest Hemingway has gotten drunk: a series
#2: Havana

Costa Rica

Costa Rica is a small Central American country located just northwest of Panama on the isthmus once labeled "North America's Dick" by a cartographer who was immediately fired thereafter (from wherever it is that a cartographer works). Also, it has monkeys. Most Costarriqueños (Author's Note: Not a real word.) live in the country's central valley, a fertile region surrounded by volcanoes. According to a friend of mine who is really into this sort of science-y stuff, when 2012 comes along, those people are gonna be totally fucked.

LOOK OUT, A VOLCANO!

Canada

Canada is an enormous country where practically no one wants to live. The Canadian population can be most easily broken down into three demographics: French people, drunks, and adorable woodland critters. Between hockey, Canadian football and the Toronto Blue Jays, being a sports fan in Canada is basically the saddest thing that anyone can ever do (being a sports fan in Canada while having a terminal illness is referred to by most sadness experts as "the bifecta"). Famous Canadians include Neil Young, Sasquatch and the band Rush. The Canadian flag, a red maple leaf on a white field, bracketed by two red stripes, is heavily symbolic. The white represents the type of bread to which Canadians can be most easily compared. The red represents apparently not knowing what color a damn maple leaf is. Most Canadians still think the Queen of England is hot shit.

Canadian football: Basically the saddest thing.

Belize

Now I know the name sounds like some Dutch shit or something (I do not know what Dutch sounds like), but Belize is actually the only nation in Central America whose national language is English. This is, of course, once again thanks to our friends the British, the illegitimate fathers of the modern world, who landed there in 1638 to kick out the Spaniards who were already there kicking out the Mayans. Picture a little fish being eaten by a big fish being eaten by a pale guy with bad teeth wearing penny loafers and no socks. Imperialism's a rowdy game. Honestly though, I'm not really sure why the old empire bothered with Belize at all. They probably mistook it for Nicaragua. Idiots.

The Great Blue Hole, located off the coast of Belize, is considered by many to be one of the best places in the world to go drown yourself.

Barbados

Barbados was an island nation located on the eastern edge of the Caribbean. Originally invented by the English in the 17th century because they needed something decent to put in their coffee (I don't know if you've ever tried to grow sugarcane in Sussex, but that shit is challenging) and a place to put all their excess slaves (win-win, really [unless you were a slave]), Barbados achieved its independence in 1966 and then was tragically killed in a shark attack in 1968. As the legend goes, if you leave Trinidad and Tobago on the night of a full moon and swim north, you can still hear Barbados' plaintive cries.

Here is a picture of a bunny.

Bahamas

The Bahamas is the result of a primitive game show, popular among members of the British imperial service during the 18th century, in which each contestant was given a boat and a bunch of flags, which he would then go stick into as many islands, cays and random rocks sticking out of the water as he could within a certain time period. The winner, Sir Edward Von Bahamas, became the first prime minister, or president, or whatever the fuck they have down there. The end result? A totally awesome place for white people to go get sunburned.

Places where Ernest Hemingway has gotten drunk: a series
#1. Bimini