Saint Vincent and the Grenadines

In the cosmic sense, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines has no significance whatsoever.

I, too, felt ready to start life all over again. It was as if that great rush of anger had washed me clean, emptied me of hope, and, gazing up at the dark sky spangled with its signs and stars, for the first time, the first, I laid my heart open to the benign indifference of the universe. To feel it so like myself, indeed, so brotherly, made me realize that I’d been happy, and that I was happy still. For all to be accomplished, for me to feel less lonely, all that remained to hope was that on the day of my execution there should be a huge crowd of spectators and that they should greet me with howls of execration.

Saint Lucia

Saint Lucia is an island nation in the Caribbean. It achieved independence from the United Kingdom in 1979. The capital is Castries. Who has time for such things when one day all of us will die?

Saint Lucia's flag is brightly colored to distract its citizens from the inevitability of death.

Saint Kitts and Nevis

Saint Kitts and Nevis is the first of way too many inconsequential island nations whose names all start with the letter 'S', and will thus be afforded even less attention than most of the island nations I've already done. Located in the Leeward Island chain of the east Caribbean, Saint Kitts and Nevis consists of two islands: Saint Kitts, and another one whose name I was unable to dig up in my research. With a population of just over 50,000, Saint Kitts and Nevis is the smallest country in the Americas (in case you care [You don't though, so why did I bother? (Why do I do anything? What's the point? Does my life have any meaning at all?)]).

A view from Saint Kitts of the other island, whatever it's called. The blue part is the ocean.

Jamaica

Jamaica is an island in the Caribbean with more threatening-looking black people per capita than just about any other nation in the world. Though mainly known for its gorgeous beaches, reggae music and marijuana, Jamaica's capital, Kingston, is also a pretty terrific place if you're into violent crime. Some of its best-known residents have included Bob Marley, Peter Tosh and Dr. No. People from Jamaica frequently say things like "Ya mon," "Irie," and "Hey dude, stop being a racist."

Sean Kingston is a solid example of a person who is not from Jamaica.

Haiti

Haiti is the half of Hispaniola that was recently voted "Most Likely to Spontaneously Disappear into the Caribbean Without the Slightest Warning" by a panel of experts in a Radison hotel ballroom somewhere. Haiti was founded in 1804 by former slaves who boldly rose up and threw off the shackles of the French, only to throw on the shackles of disease, crippling poverty, and basically merciless destruction from every possible direction. Almost nothing in this country's history has not been a bummer. The "capital" is Port-au-Prince, a really big, mashed-up mound of concrete on the western face of the island.

Anderson Cooper, CNN anchor/mayor of Port-au-Prince.

Grenada

An island in the Lesser Antilles approximately the size of a regulation tennis court, Grenada is a former British colony that only wishes it were as historically irrelevant as Antigua and Barbuda. No such luck. In 1983, Grenada was the site of a communist military coup, giving the island the dubious distinction of being the smallest country to ever make Ronald Reagan nervous. Of course, he sorted them out right quick, proving once and for all that the United States does, in fact, have a stronger military than a nation a little more than two-thirds the size of Pomona, California.

"Hail Satan!"

Dominican Republic

Located on the eastern half of Hispaniola (the part which is not pretty much constantly suffering the seven plagues of Egypt), the Dominican Republic is a country with an agreeable climate and little to no likelihood of being smushed completely out of nowhere by the vengeful thumb of God. Its primary exports are cane sugar and New York Yankees. Like Dominica, it was discovered by Christopher Columbus, who apparently wasn't very good at coming up with new names for things.

Columbus: Spanish for 'originality.'

Dominica

Dominica is one of those stupid little islands in the Caribbean that insists on being its own nation because apparently it's never heard of any of the, like, seven other inconsequential landmasses nearby and doesn't realize how much easier it is to learn one country than eight. Sheesh. What have you got that Guadeloupe doesn't? That's right. Nothing. Get with the program, you dicks. Dominica was discovered by Christopher Columbus, and that is basically the only thing it has in common with Ohio.

One of these green islands is Dominica. Which one? Who gives a shit?

Cuba

Cuba is an island-full-o'-commies located pretty much smack in the middle of the Caribbean. Cuba's president used to be Fidel Castro, this beardy guy whose corpse they wheeled around on a dolly in a kind of "Weekend at Bernie's" situation that lasted for several decades before someone finally noticed he was dead and his brother Raul (also deceased) stepped in. The United States has been trying real hard to pretend that Cuba doesn't exist ever since the JFK days, when a bunch of CIA dudes tried to start some shit and totally got bushwhacked on a beach somewhere. The country's motto is "Homeland or Death," but a more accurate one would probably be "Homeland, Death, or Florida If You're Lucky."

Places where Ernest Hemingway has gotten drunk: a series
#2: Havana

Barbados

Barbados was an island nation located on the eastern edge of the Caribbean. Originally invented by the English in the 17th century because they needed something decent to put in their coffee (I don't know if you've ever tried to grow sugarcane in Sussex, but that shit is challenging) and a place to put all their excess slaves (win-win, really [unless you were a slave]), Barbados achieved its independence in 1966 and then was tragically killed in a shark attack in 1968. As the legend goes, if you leave Trinidad and Tobago on the night of a full moon and swim north, you can still hear Barbados' plaintive cries.

Here is a picture of a bunny.

Bahamas

The Bahamas is the result of a primitive game show, popular among members of the British imperial service during the 18th century, in which each contestant was given a boat and a bunch of flags, which he would then go stick into as many islands, cays and random rocks sticking out of the water as he could within a certain time period. The winner, Sir Edward Von Bahamas, became the first prime minister, or president, or whatever the fuck they have down there. The end result? A totally awesome place for white people to go get sunburned.

Places where Ernest Hemingway has gotten drunk: a series
#1. Bimini

Antigua and Barbuda

Antigua and Barbuda is a completely inconsequential series of islands (nobody knows exactly which ones) located among the Leeward Islands in the eastern Caribbean. The nation was founded by an English sailor who was stranded on Antigua in the 1600s as part of an elaborate and mean-spirited practical joke. Literally the only good reason to have ever heard of Antigua and Barbuda is if you're thinking (as I am) about buying one of their islands in the future. Its capital, St. John's, has practically no bowling alleys at all. Fewer of its residents are pirates than you would expect (but not a lot fewer, you know?).

Is it just me, or is this a picture of the sun setting into a vagina?