Mongolia

Mongolia is probably my favorite Paul Thomas Anderson film, for which Tom Cruise fully deserved to win Best Supporting Actor in 2000 (but didn't, because the Academy Awards are stupid). A landlocked country in central Asia with Russia to the north and China to the south, Mongolia forms the geographical meat of a sandwich that has communists instead of bread. Much of the country is made up of steppes, which are dry areas of land that could be deserts if they only had the gumption (they don't, but in this case it would be difficult to blame the Academy Awards). Almost a third of the Mongolian population is nomadic, which contributes to a recent statistic positing that Mongolians see more depressing landscape per capita than any other nationality (even Utahans). The most famous Mongolian ever was Genghis Khan, considered to be one of history's biggest and most innovative assholes. The second-most famous Mongolian ever is not famous enough for me to have heard of him or her. The capital, Ulaanbaatar, was first founded in the early 17th century, but kept getting moved around until 1778, before which all of its residents presumably lived in trailer homes. Mongolia is also home to the Mongolian Death Worm, (the local version of Sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster, or Joseph Stalin) a probably fictional but hopefully real thing native to the Gobi Desert that can kill you just by looking at you, or something.

Just in case you were having trouble finding a reason not to go to the Gobi Desert.

Kyrgyzstan

Kyrgyzstan is a central Asian country populated primarily by a people known as the Kyrgyz, which many experts consider to be a funny-sounding word. Formerly part of the Soviet Union (the part that they conquered and then basically forgot about), Kyrgyzstan achieved independence in late 1991 and hadn't been researched since, until earlier today when I looked it up on Wikipedia for the purposes of this post. By the powers vested in me by virtue of being a regular dude with an above-average internet connection, I hereby declare Kyrgyzstan to once again be historically relevant. Congratulations! (Author's Note: Or should I say, Kyrgrytulations? [No. No I shouldn't.]) And now I've lost my train of thought.

The yellow thing in the center of Kyrgyzstan's flag represents the Sun, which is necessary to keep Kyrgyzstan from being really cold all the time.

Kazakhstan

Kazakhstan is a central Asian country that used to be a part of the Soviet Union and is secretly disappointed that it isn't anymore ("At least then we got a little goddamn respect," said one observer, who may or may not have actually had anything to do with Kazakhstan). They'll never actually admit, but Russia actually feels more or less the same way - since Kazakhstan declared independence in late 1991, the Kremlin has had a lot of/some/possibly no trouble figuring out where would be a good place to explode nuclear weapons for fun. In 1961, Kazakhstan was the site of the first manned space launch in history, when cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin discovered that space is "very dark and cold as fuck." Bet you thought this entry was just going to be a bunch of Borat jokes, didn't you? Well, that's because you're an asshole.

Yuri "Seriously Dogg, I Should've Brought a Sweater or Something" Gagarin