Senegal

Senegal is a West African nation wrapped around the Gambia, a small strip of land which the aforementioned Senegal never had the gumption or the inclination to conquer for itself and feast on its riches. The other nearby areas which Senegal has failed to annex and subjugate include Guinea-Bissau, Mali, Mauritania and the vast unclaimed depths of the Atlantic Ocean. Despite having a diverse array indigenous languages, the national language of Senegal is French, which I personally think was taking the easy way out. I've recently decided to start calling Senegal "The Disappointment of West Africa" based on its chronic underachievement in categories like size by area (88th in the world), size by population (72nd!) and GDP (111th, behind Iceland. Iceland, you guys!). Come on Senegal. Why can't you be more like your brother?

Senegal's capital, Dakar, is tiny compared to the world's largest city, Shanghai. What a letdown.

São Tomé and Príncipe

São Tomé and Príncipe is the smallest country in the world, aside from some other countries that are smaller. An island nation located some amount of miles off the coast of west Africa, São Tomé and Príncipe was uninhabited before the year 1470, when the islands were discovered by Portuguese explorers conducting an experiment to see if they could find São Tomé and Príncipe. As it turned out, they could. In 1975, São Tomé and Príncipe gained its independence from Portugal as part of an experiment to see if they could do a better job on their own. I haven't managed (nor have I tried) to find any statistics on whether or not that worked out, so I'm gonna assume that it did. One thing I like about São Tomé and Príncipe is that São Tomé has a tilde in it. I think that's pretty cool.

São Tomé and Príncipe's president is Fradique de Menezes, seen here wearing a dumb-looking bowtie.

Rwanda

Rwanda is a small African country that most people have only heard of because of all the terrible things that have happened there. I should probably be more specific, huh? This particular bowl of sad history (part of this complete breakfast!) is located in central Africa, just south of the Equator. Rwanda was a Germany colony from 1884 until World War I, when it was claimed by the Belgians, whose prowess at destroying the lives of dark-skinned people once nearly matched their waffle-making chops. The Belgians ruled through the Rwandan monarchy, favoring the Tutsi tribe over their main rivals, the Hutu, building up massive resentment between the two, which, in an event that was completely without precedent in African colonial history, led to civil war and ethnic cleansing. Up to a million people were killed by Hutu rebels during the 1994 Rwandan Genocide, and that number could easily have been higher without the heroic actions of people like Don Cheadle. Rwanda is currently a major exporter of coffee beans, good for late nights awake in bed thinking about how humankind is a pitiable, hopeless race, cursed from the beginning of time to forever repeat the blunders of history.

Rwandan coffee farmers sorting the beans for Starbucks' new blend: ultra-dark, with hints of chocolate and regret.

Nigeria

Nigeria is the most populous nation in Africa, the eighth-most populous in the world and probably the most tastefully named country on the Niger River. Nigeria has a human history that dates back as far as 9,000 B.C. and is a terrific place to dig for tribal art, make cheap reproductions of it, then place these in prominent locations throughout your living room so you'll look sophisticated and/or culturally tolerant. Nigeria has been home to a wide variety of rival ethnic groups who, during the early years of European colonization, used to play a lot of mean-spirited (and only kind of funny) practical jokes like selling each other into slavery. Nigeria gained its independence from the United Kingdom in 1960 and then descended into civil war in a shocking development that ran completely contrary to the well-known sociological maxim that a diverse country with a history of ethnic conflict and no institutionalized government will be totally fine if you just leave it to its own devices. Violence against the Igbo tribe of eastern Nigeria led to the 1967 secession of the Republic of Biafra and the ensuing Nigerian-Biafran "War." Nigeria won in the end, but things might have turned out differently if Biafra had only had weapons or food or, you know, any of the things that you should probably have in a war.

The Republic of Biafra: Like Rocky, except with the alternate ending where Apollo Creed knocks him out within the first 30 seconds, and then murders most of the Italian-Americans in Philadelphia.

Niger

Niger is a country in West Africa whose name bears a striking resemblance to a highly offensive racial slur. Oh man, isn't that hilarious? I think it is. I'm just gonna spend the rest of this entry just congratulating myself for making that connection (Author's Note: No I'm not. I like to think that I have a little more imagination and intellectual curiosity than that [you asshole]). Niger is actually named for the Niger River, which may not be very funny but it does provide what little water is available in a nation that is made almost entirely out of hot sand and despair. Since gaining independence in 1956, Niger has been in a state of almost constant political upheaval, changing its constitution about as frequently as my old roommate used to change his underpants (about once every ten years). Niger is currently run by a junta about as old as this blog, having been founded following a coup in February of this year. It is run by the Supreme Council for the Restoration of Democracy, which I did not research but I assume it's basically some kind of really low-rent West African Illuminati.

Former president Mamadou Tandja probably made a face kind of like this when he was deposed earlier this year.

Namibia

Namibia is a country in southwest Africa where two million people live, but there is way more space available if you're interested (act now!). The nation is named for the Namib Desert, which is the oldest desert in the world, having been a really unpopular place for living things to exist for about the past 55 million years. Namibia was inhabited for centuries by various nomadic peoples before the Bantu people inexplicably decided to live there permanently in the 14th century. Namibia became a German colony in 1884, after almost every other European empire had passed on it. In 1904 the Germans discovered a new hobby when two local tribes, the Herero and Namaqua, started a violent uprising against the colonial government. It was during this period that Germany first claimed the title World Champions of Ethnic Cleansing, which they went on to hold for the better part of the 20th century (Author's Note: Yikes. Sorry guys, there are only so many funny things you can say about genocide). Following Germany's exit, Namibia spent a couple decades under the thumb of South Africa ( who really had little to gain from the arrangement and were just being what most historians describe as "total A-holes") before becoming an independent nation in 1988.

It's been at least 55 million years since there was a good reason to live in Namibia.

Mozambique

Mozambique is a southeastern African country which first gained marginal historical relevance in 1498, when a white person named Vasco da Gama (a Portuguese name translating approximately to "Beardy McBeardface") first hit the Indian Ocean. Thus began 400-some-odd years of benevolent Portuguese rule under the catchy slogan "Take yer gold out of the ground and put it in our boats for us. Please?" This lasted until the 1960s when, as usual, communism ruined a sweet deal for everyone. In 1964, the Front for the Liberation of So on and So Forth (or FRELETCETERA) started a guerrilla war against the Portuguese occupation, leading to Mozambique's independence in 1975. This led to the start of the Mozambican Civil War in 1977, when shooting each other started to become really fashionable. This fad, which appeared at first to be unsustainable, surprised everybody by lasting all the way until 1992. Things have gotten a lot better since then, although Mozambican hipsters have recently started massacring each other ironically.

Beardy McBeardface

Morocco

Morocco is a North African country where a lot of people speak French, which I think is neat (Author's Note: No I don't). During its heady days as a French protectorate, Morocco was a pretty cool place to be French and a pretty terrible place to be Moroccan. In 1953, the French exiled Sultan Mohamed V to Madagascar. Unlike "Rocky V," Mohamed V was not generally thought to be a really bad movie with a terrible climax (honestly, what kind of boxing movie ends with a fight next to some trash cans behind a bar?), and his exile provoked the uprising of a Moroccan nationalist movement. To his annoyance, Mohamed V was returned to Morocco in 1955, just when he had started to get used to the climate, discover some really neat bars and restaurants and really build his own social circle in Madagascar. Morocco achieved independence the following year, but stuck with the king on account of their old-school sensibilities. In the seventies, Morocco annexed neighboring Western Sahara because there is so much great stuff there.

The current king of Morocco is Mohamed Balboa.

Mauritius

Mauritius is an island nation located in the Indian Ocean east of Madagascar. Though known of as early as the tenth century (Author's Note: You guys, that's a MILLENNIUM ago!), the island remained uninhabited for the next 700 years before anyone thought of a particularly compelling reason to live there. In 1638, the Dutch were the first to settle the island, establishing a settlement on Mauritius for no real reason other than the fact that it was not made of salt water. The shitty climate and isolated location gave these early settlers some pretty immediate buyer's remorse, but the Dutch hung around for awhile because they had some serious codependency issues and just weren't all that bright. In the end, they packed up all their Dutch stuff and got out of Dutch Dodge in 1710. People live there again now though, I guess. Like a million of 'em. I'm not sure who they are, or what their deal is.

Mauritius was the only known home of the dodo, an extinct bird whose existence served only to prove that God has a really mean sense of humor.

Mauritania

Mauritania is a Muslim, Arabic-speaking country in north Africa whose name is derived from the Latin word "Mauri," which comes from the English term "Moors" - not this guy. Despite a rather healthy oil reserve discovered off the country's Atlantic coastline in 2001, Mauritania remains a very poor country, with about a fifth of the population living on under $1.25 a day. I know, right? It's like, don't they realize that that's not nearly enough? Jeez. The first president was Ould Daddah, who annexed the southern portion of Western Sahara as part of a diabolical plot to corner the international market for rocks and dirt. His overthrow in 1978 established military coups as Mauritania's national pastime. They were all the rage until 1984, when Ould Taya took control of the country and declared "Relative political stability is the new constant upheaval." A 2005 coup brought fear and uncertainty back into style. That coup worked out so well that Mohamed Ould Abdel Aziz decided to try another one in 2008.

Mauritania's presidency has changed hands eight times in the time it took to write this entry.

Mali

Mali is a west African nation with a population of about 14.5 million folks, most of whom live in the southwestern portion of the country (also known as "the part that is not so much a terrible terrible desert"). Named for the "great" Mali Empire, which used to be hot shit way back in the day but is now not even a thing, Mali is a former French colony and one of the best places to go if you're into awesome shimmery robes. Despite being one of the poorest countries in the world, Mali has seen a great deal of economic growth over the past fifteen years, experiencing an annual GDP increase of 17.6% (which is apparently quite a lot). This has inspired the national motto, "Un peuple, un but, une foi," which is French for "Don't call it a comeback; we've been here all along." Mali's capital is Bamako, but a better-known Malian city is Timbuktu, which you probably thought was just a colloquial synonym for "Kingdom Come" or "A Significant Distance from Here" and not actually a real place. Think again (you are dumb).

Timbuktu (a real place).

Malawi

Malawi (from a Latin term meaning "bad awi") is a landlocked country bordering Mozambique in southeastern Africa. Its residents lived their miserable lives in abject, hopeless savagery until 1859, when British explorer David Livingstone came from the north, bringing with him the shining light of European civilization. Thanks in part to the steadfastly ambivalent efforts of the British colonial service, what was once not a country at all has now gone on to be consistently ranked as one of the most fucked nations on the planet (you're welcome). Malawi has one of the highest population densities in the world, but its population is mainly rural, and the bulk of its economy is based on agriculture. Its chief products include tobacco, sugarcane, and HIV/AIDS (unfortunately, demand for the latter has steadily decreased over the course of recent decades, while supply hasn't waned significantly).

Here's Malawi. God is pointing an enormous sniper rifle at the capital, Lilongwe.

Madagascar

Madagascar is a nation located off the southeastern coast of Africa, on a turd-shaped island of the same name. Which came first, you ask, the country or the island? The island, of course. By like, millions of years. Stop trying to over-complicate things (Author's Note: You are a dick). Madagascar was first settled sometime after 200 A.D., by Austronesian sailors who canoed there from southeast Asia. You see, there wasn't any television in those days, and people had to make their own fun. The Austronesians were later followed by Muslim dynasties, Portuguese explorers and communist pirates (swear to gawd), among other things. Madagascar has an extremely diverse ecosystem, with 80% of its native plants and animals not found anywhere else. When I read that, I was picturing the island from King Kong, but so far my research hasn't uncovered any mention of dinosaurs. What a ripoff.

Tsingy de Bemaraha Nature Reserve, named for a Malagasy term meaning "rocks that are pointier than the average rock."

Libya

The Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya is a big ol' nation located in north Africa on the southern shore of the Mediterranean Sea. Its primary export is sand, of which it has hundreds of varieties, each of them sandier than the last (well, as long as you list them in order from least sandy to sandiest). Libya holds a place of prominence on any well-respected historian's list of things ruined by Italian people in the 20th century, having been colonized by those dudes right around the start of World War I. The Italians spread many aspects of their culture to Libya during the interwar years; in particular, dying in forced labor camps became a very popular pastime for local Bedouins during this period. Since 1969 Libya's government has been a Jamahiriya (a goofy made-up word for something like a socialist republic [not to be confused with Jamiroquai, a goofy made-up word for a '90s acid jazz group from London]) led by Muammar al-Gaddafi, a saggy old lady with a penchant for funny hats.

The Libyan flag is a green field with no distinguishing features, symbolizing the nation's proud tradition of creative bankruptcy.

Liberia

Liberia is a small African country that is unique among west African nations for having never had a bunch of Eurotrash show up and start telling it what to do. Now I know what you're thinking: "But what about Ghana?" Nope. Ghana was colonized by the British, remember? Idiot. Now you're probably thinking "Okay, but what about Cameroon?" Uh, no, they were colonized by the French. Just shut up, okay? Thanks. Liberia was originally founded in 1821 by the American Colonial Society, a group of folks who thought that black people might not want to be slaves anymore, but also didn't want them moving into their neighborhoods and driving down the property values. With that in mind, former slaves were sent to live in Liberia, and everyone was happy, except for the west African natives already living there, who were like "Who the hell are all these people?" Liberia has retained numerous cultural ties to the United States, as evidenced by their flag, which is just barely original enough to prevent Betsy Ross's heirs from suing their asses into the ground.

In 1980, Samuel Doe and his enormous eyeglasses led a successful military coup and proceeded to act like a total dick for the next ten years or so. In 1990, he was tortured and executed by the leader of a rival faction. This experience taught him an important lesson.

Lesotho

Lesotho is a nation of some two million citizens surrounded on all sides by South Africa. It is the southernmost landlocked country in the world, and presumably there's someone out there who thinks that's an interesting fact. (Author's Note: Not me though. I couldn't possibly care less.) Lesotho's national languages are English and Sesotho, and its name is Sesotho for "Land of the people who speak Sesotho." There's probably a joke to be made about how that's not a very original name, but it's pretty hot out today and I really can't be bothered. Despite being one of the most impoverished and AIDS-ridden nations on the planet, Lesotho's constitutional monarchy is pretty decent in terms of civil liberties, allowing for freedoms of speech and the press, or as it's written in the Mosotho constitution: "Say what you want. You still gotta live here."

The capital is Maseru, a city that none of you have ever heard of before. I swear it's real though. Seriously. Look it up.

Kenya

Kenya is an east African nation located along the coast of the Indian Ocean, near the Great Lakes region of Africa. Named for Mount Kenya, the second-tallest mountain in Africa (or the fifth-tallest if, for some reason, you also count three taller mountains which are not in Africa), Kenya is home to an extremely wide variety of native tribes, including but not limited to the Kikuyu, Luhya, and maybe even a Guido or two! Despite being located relatively close to some shitty shitty shitty (etc.) deserts, Kenya is home to one of the richest ecosystems in the world and, as a British colony, was a popular destination for Europeans in adorable khaki outfits who hoped to put some bullets in some rare and beautiful mammals to prove how manly they were (i.e. so manly). In general, Kenyans have really terrific cardio, in case they have to run away from said wildlife.

The capital is Nairobi, shown here under attack from a 350-foot giraffe.

Guinea-Bissau

Another Guinea is at least one Guinea too many, if you ask me, so I'm just gonna blow through this real quick, okay? Guinea-Bissau used to be a Portuguese colony called Portuguese Guinea, but then they achieved independence and changed the name to Guinea-Bissau because Guinea was already taken and none of them had the gumption to come up with a new name. The capital is Bissau. That's where the Bissau part comes from.

This is what Bissau looks like when you are a bus.

Guinea

Guinea is a country bordering Mali, Cote d'Ivoire and Another Guinea in West Africa. Despite its small size, Guinea has a relatively large amount of cool shit that it can pull out of the ground and sell to other people. For instance, Guinea has the world's largest reserve of bauxite, which is apparently some sort of a thing. Guinea is also full of diamonds, which are things that you are more likely to have heard of (Author's Note: All I can say for sure is that I have heard of them). The Niger River, third-longest in Africa behind the Nile and the Congo, begins in Guinea as well, so if an evil genius decides to steal West Africa's water supply anytime in the near future, this will probably be the site of another terrible James Bond movie.

This movie made me sad.

Ghana

Ghana is a west African nation located at almost the exact geographical center of the earth's surface (the intersection of the Equator, which is a real thing, and the Prime Meridian, which is an arbitrary line originating in London because the British are way, way up their own asses). Modern-day Ghana was governed by the Ashanti dynasty until the 15th century, when the Portuguese heard a rumor that there was gold there. Needless to say, the next 500 years or so were basically a nonstop hit parade of white people popping in armed to the teeth to get their hands on as many shiny rocks as they could. Ghana later became a British colony but, during the 20th century, a few dozen years of back-and-forth wholesale slaughter eventually left the Brits "just so bloody embarrassed" that they relinquished control of the country in 1957. You know. That old chestnut.

One famous Ghanaian is Kofi Annan, who has met Brad Pitt.