Portugal

Portugal is a country located in southwestern Europe on the part of the Iberian Peninsula that Spain didn't want. For many years, the area which we now know as Portugal was just a place that a bunch of conquering tribes with dumb haircuts and funny languages had stomped over so that they could look at the ocean without having to be in France at the same time. At some point in what most people would probably consider to be history, the area which is now Portugal was conquered by the Moors. The Moors were pretty Muslimy, which didn't sit well with the more Catholicky crowd of dudes that eventually founded the first Portugal™ in 868 after a certain amount of unpleasantness. Over time, Portugal grew to become one of the most powerful countries in the world. That fell off pretty sharply, like, 300 years ago, but some Portuguese people are probably still proud of it, and I think that's adorable. On the upside, Portugal did manage to spread the language of Portuguese to Brazil, ultimately making South America more confusing than it really needed to be. The capital is Lisbon, if you catch my drift. I don't know what I meant by that.

Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo is Portugal's most famous douchebag, but most likely not its biggest.