Lebanon

Lebanon is a primarily Arab country located on the eastern shores of the Mediterranean Sea. In ancient times, Lebanon was the homeland of the Phoenicians, a society of Mediterranean fishermen who vanished for several centuries before later reappearing in central Arizona, where they now run a series of successful glasses manufacturers (like ya do). Lebanon enjoyed considerable prosperity throughout much of the 20th century, often being referred to as "the Switzerland of the East" for its thriving banking industry; its capital, Beirut, was known as "the Paris of the Middle East" for its annoying plethora of local mimes. Of course, the mimes were the first to go when the Lebanese Civil War broke out in 1975. Don't let that fool you though, 'cause it wasn't all gravy. For one thing, Lebanon had an even worse 1982 than the rest of us - while most regular dudes were having a hard enough time just coping with Tommy Tutone and the death of Henry Fonda, the Lebanese were getting totally rolled on by the Israeli army. This resulted in the rise of Hezbollah, a militia named for an Arabic term meaning "A Bunch of Dudes with Mean Senses of Humor." To this very day, Hezbollah remains at the forefront of making people nervous.

Hezbollah have done pretty well for themselves, despite having no idea how to hold that gun correctly

Latvia

Latvia is a northern European nation where I would recommend going if you want to vacation in Europe, but you don't want to spend much money or have any fun at all. Being the hardest-hit of any European nation by the recent financial meltdown, exacerbated by a tumultuous change of leadership in 2009, Latvia has not been heard from in about ten months, but most experts posit that the locals not fortunate enough to own a reinforced basement or shed are currently locked in a constant death struggle in the streets of towns such as Riga, the capital. Though few actually believe the Latvians to have resorted to eating human flesh for sustenance as of this posting, many agree that it's "just a matter of time," especially given the exceptionally cruel winters which may or may not often occur there (Author's Note: If you think I have time for the weather conditions of northern Europe, you are dead wrong because I do not.). In short, life in Latvia is probably no more than 20% better than it was under the Soviet Union.

Latvian president Valdis Zatlers: missing, presumed dead.

Laos

Laos! (often spelled [incorrectly] without the exclamation point) is a country in southeast Asia where many of the people are Laotian and almost as many live in crippling poverty, which many human rights organizations have categorized as a Class 1 Bummer. Laotian heritage dates back to the Kingdom of a Million Elephants, established in the 14th century, but don't let that fool you - the average Laotian is actually rather unlikely to be crushed to death. So they've got that going for them, I guess. Along with neighboring Cambodia and Vietnam, Laos! was part of French Indochina until World War II, when the French reluctantly gave up on their benevolent efforts to teach southeast Asia a thing or two about wine. The capital is Vientiane, a city in the Mekong valley whose name means "City of Sandalwood." As such, the whole place smells just like one of those scented candles. It's pretty awesome.

Vientiane: Lao for "smells fuckin' great!"

Kyrgyzstan

Kyrgyzstan is a central Asian country populated primarily by a people known as the Kyrgyz, which many experts consider to be a funny-sounding word. Formerly part of the Soviet Union (the part that they conquered and then basically forgot about), Kyrgyzstan achieved independence in late 1991 and hadn't been researched since, until earlier today when I looked it up on Wikipedia for the purposes of this post. By the powers vested in me by virtue of being a regular dude with an above-average internet connection, I hereby declare Kyrgyzstan to once again be historically relevant. Congratulations! (Author's Note: Or should I say, Kyrgrytulations? [No. No I shouldn't.]) And now I've lost my train of thought.

The yellow thing in the center of Kyrgyzstan's flag represents the Sun, which is necessary to keep Kyrgyzstan from being really cold all the time.

Kuwait

Kuwait is a Middle Eastern nation that was on fire the last time anybody particularly cared about it (but presumably isn't anymore). Located on the northwestern shore of the Persian Gulf, Kuwait has a great deal of oil wealth for its relatively small size and, as a result, acts of aggression against it will not stand. An example of an act of aggression against Kuwait that was not allowed to stand occurred in 1990 when Saddam Hussein, no longer satisfied with just having a creepy mustache, decided to move on in and take that stuff. A constitutional monarchy whose capital is located in the aptly named Kuwait City, Kuwait's head honcho is Emir Sabah Al-Ahmad Al-Jaber Al-Sabah Al-Mynameisofanimpracticallength. He has been described by Dick Cheney as "a pretty cool guy, all things considered."

This is the Prime Minister of Kuwait. I don't remember what his name is, but he sure looks pleased about something.

South Korea

South Korea is a country in southeast Asia, located on the half of the Korean peninsula where people are allowed to do things like dance and brush their teeth unsupervised, but totally suck at marching (there's always a trade-off). Following a messy breakup with North Korea in 1948, South Korea has devoted a lot of time to telling its buddies what an asshole that guy is. South Korea has planted roughly an assload of land mines and guard towers and such along the 38th parallel to discourage any group of North Koreans from mustering the gumption to pick up a missile, get a running start, and throw it across the border (despite having what most military experts describe as "a little bitch" of a missile program, most of North Korea's weapons are still fully capable of exploding). Despite this constant siege mentality, the South Koreans have become a thriving economic power within Asia and even co-hosted the first Asian World Cup in 2002 where they demonstrated their unparalleled ability to cheat at soccer.

The South Korean capital is Seoul, site of a series of brutal monster attacks in 2006.

North Korea

North Korea is a(n evil) nation in southeast Asia, located, oddly enough, just north of South Korea. Best-known for being almost completely full o' commies, North Korea has been inextricably involved in America's foreign policy since the 1950s, when Harry S. Truman sent in American troops to keep North Korea from becoming completely full o' commies (a job which they totally fucked up [thanks a lot, troops]). It is currently headed up by benevolent dictator Kim Jong-Il, a goofy little dude who has been trying unsuccessfully to bring enormous old man glasses back into style since 1993. His favorite hobby is firing missiles into the Pacific Ocean and making ominous public statements in order to appear relevant on an international scale. Most leading psychiatrists recommend both of these activities as self-esteem boosters for troubled children with comically small penises.

"Hey, you there! Yeah, you! Pay attention to me!"