New Zealand

New Zealand is an enchanted island nation located in the south Pacific consisting primarily of two islands known respectively as the North Island and (wait for it) the South Island. New Zealand also lays claim to the Ross Dependency of Antarctica, which would seem kind of desperate coming from any other country, but for some reason is kind of adorable when the New Zealanders do it. It might be the accents, but it's probably something more arbitrary than that (Author's Note: I am, after all, a ridiculous man who is prone to inexplicable flights of whimsy). Due to New Zealand's geographical isolation, the islands are home to many kinds of wildlife not found anywhere else, such as hobbits and King Kong. Like the dodo and many other stupid island creatures, several of New Zealand's endemic species were easily wiped out, or extinctified, upon the arrival of white settlers (bringing the total score to something like White Settlers: 12,000,096 | Rare Species: 0). The settlers failed, however, to do as thorough a job on the native Mãori people, who still constitute 15% of the country's total population. People from New Zealand are known colloquially as "Kiwis" due to their tough, furry skins and delicious, green innards.

The Haast's Eagle and the Moa are both extinct now. Like they say - "If you can't take the heat, get out of your native habitat."

Netherlands

The Netherlands (known as Holland by people who don't know that it's really called the Netherlands [i.e. idiots]) is a central European country that was one of the first parliamentary democracies and has a rich cultural history but is best known for its cheese, wooden shoes, marijuana and prostitutes (not necessarily in that order). Some famous people from the Netherlands include Anne Frank, Hieronymous Bosch and Vincent Van Gogh. Based on this sample group, one can draw the assumption that two-thirds of all Dutch people are totally bonkers. The Netherlands's's's capital, The Hague, is home to several international organizations, including the International Court of Justice and the International Criminal Court, which are apparently different things. This has led to its being known as "the legal capital of the world" by people who think that makes them sound smart (it doesn't). Basically, if you want to go on vacation someplace where you can see a real live war criminal, The Hague is your best bet. Other popular Dutch pastimes (apart from the aforementioned drugs and/or whores) include bicycling, which you've probably heard of, and mudflat hiking, which involves putting on some sturdy boots and just walking retarded distances along a coastline that kinda resembles the Molasses Swamp from Candyland.

Dutch people have way too much time on their hands.

Nepal

Nepal is a country located in south Asia between China and India, forming the middle of a sandwich with way too much bread and not nearly enough meat. Despite being the original birthplace of the Buddha (the guy Keanu Reeves played in this stupid movie), Nepal shows a disturbing lack of local pride by being a majority Hindu country. Because of its geographical position high in the Himalayas, much of Nepal is too cold for me to be interested in ever going there (Author's Note: Plus, instead of English, they speak something stupid called Nepalese). Nepal is home to many of the world's highest mountains, including Mount Everest, the world's highest peak and one of the best places for a white person to die a pointless, but manly death. The capital is Kathmandu and the national motto is "Mother and Motherland Are Greater Than Heaven" or, to save time, "Mother and Motherland > Heaven." That's a math joke, you guys!

Nepal is the only country in the world that only has half of a flag. If they think it looks cool, they are incorrect.

Nauru

Nauru is an island nation located in the south Pacific Ocean. Notable for being the first country in the some 120 entries I've written so far not to require any effort on my part to be hilarious, Nauru is the smallest, saddest, and brokest island nation in the world. Throughout most of the 20th century, Nauru's economy depended primarily on strip mining seagull shit for its phosphate content (I'm not kidding). In the eighties, Nauru's phosphate supply completely ran out. In addition to exhausting its only useful natural resource, the mining methods used to extract the phosphate completely destroyed the island's natural ecosystem. Desperate for cash, the government managed to blow even more money on a number of bad investments including a short-lived musical based on the life of Leonardo da Vinci (I'm still not kidding). Nauru's only airline went out of business in 2005, leaving it completely cut off from the outside world for about nine months. Nauru has a population of about 14,000 people, which is about 14,000 more than it's capable of supporting. Seriously you guys. It's not getting any better. Take the hint already.

If every country was this pathetic, my job would be a lot easier.

Namibia

Namibia is a country in southwest Africa where two million people live, but there is way more space available if you're interested (act now!). The nation is named for the Namib Desert, which is the oldest desert in the world, having been a really unpopular place for living things to exist for about the past 55 million years. Namibia was inhabited for centuries by various nomadic peoples before the Bantu people inexplicably decided to live there permanently in the 14th century. Namibia became a German colony in 1884, after almost every other European empire had passed on it. In 1904 the Germans discovered a new hobby when two local tribes, the Herero and Namaqua, started a violent uprising against the colonial government. It was during this period that Germany first claimed the title World Champions of Ethnic Cleansing, which they went on to hold for the better part of the 20th century (Author's Note: Yikes. Sorry guys, there are only so many funny things you can say about genocide). Following Germany's exit, Namibia spent a couple decades under the thumb of South Africa ( who really had little to gain from the arrangement and were just being what most historians describe as "total A-holes") before becoming an independent nation in 1988.

It's been at least 55 million years since there was a good reason to live in Namibia.

Mozambique

Mozambique is a southeastern African country which first gained marginal historical relevance in 1498, when a white person named Vasco da Gama (a Portuguese name translating approximately to "Beardy McBeardface") first hit the Indian Ocean. Thus began 400-some-odd years of benevolent Portuguese rule under the catchy slogan "Take yer gold out of the ground and put it in our boats for us. Please?" This lasted until the 1960s when, as usual, communism ruined a sweet deal for everyone. In 1964, the Front for the Liberation of So on and So Forth (or FRELETCETERA) started a guerrilla war against the Portuguese occupation, leading to Mozambique's independence in 1975. This led to the start of the Mozambican Civil War in 1977, when shooting each other started to become really fashionable. This fad, which appeared at first to be unsustainable, surprised everybody by lasting all the way until 1992. Things have gotten a lot better since then, although Mozambican hipsters have recently started massacring each other ironically.

Beardy McBeardface

Morocco

Morocco is a North African country where a lot of people speak French, which I think is neat (Author's Note: No I don't). During its heady days as a French protectorate, Morocco was a pretty cool place to be French and a pretty terrible place to be Moroccan. In 1953, the French exiled Sultan Mohamed V to Madagascar. Unlike "Rocky V," Mohamed V was not generally thought to be a really bad movie with a terrible climax (honestly, what kind of boxing movie ends with a fight next to some trash cans behind a bar?), and his exile provoked the uprising of a Moroccan nationalist movement. To his annoyance, Mohamed V was returned to Morocco in 1955, just when he had started to get used to the climate, discover some really neat bars and restaurants and really build his own social circle in Madagascar. Morocco achieved independence the following year, but stuck with the king on account of their old-school sensibilities. In the seventies, Morocco annexed neighboring Western Sahara because there is so much great stuff there.

The current king of Morocco is Mohamed Balboa.