Panama

Not to be confused with "banana," which is a different thing entirely, Panama is a Van Halen song and a nation located on a narrow isthmus in what I guess would be called South Central America. For countless millenia, Panama kept the Pacific Ocean from spilling over into the Atlantic Ocean, and vice versa. In 1904, heedless of this important function (as well as what was, at the time, considered to be the very real possibility of South America floating willy-nilly into the Antarctic Ocean and Tierra del Fuego-ing some poor penguin in the eye), Teddy Roosevelt decided to dig a hole straight through the entire country. Why? Because Teddy Roosevelt was a hardcore dude who just didn't give a damn. Also because it was more convenient than inventing some kind of futuristic amphibious shipping vehicle. Said hole, known by most as the Panama Canal, turned out to be a pretty big deal. Such a big deal that in 1981, "Maximum Leader of the Panamanian Revolution" (a dumb title meaning "President") Omar Torrijos' plane crashed from the sheer geopolitical significance of it. General Manuel Noriega took control of the country in 1983 and reinforced the old adage that it is really easy to be mean to people when you are an autocratic dictator.

Lookin' good, Manuel.

Palau

Palau is an island nation located east of Philippines in the Pacific Ocean. Established in 1994, Palau is notable for being one of the few independent nations that is too young to legally consume alcohol in most places. Luckily, I'm pretty sure its location constitutes international waters, meaning that Palau is also allowed to gamble and marry other nations of the same sex. The population is around 20,000 (or a little less than that of Laramie, Wyoming, if that sounds more impressive). The capital is Ngerulmud, which has a smaller population than any other national capital and can only be pronounced properly by someone who is having a stroke.

"Hey, any ideas for our flag?"
"How about a big yellow dot, slightly off-center, on a field of blue?"
"Yeah! But not regular blue. Like, 'Miami Vice' blue."
"You're a goddamn genius, you know that?"
"Yes. Yes I do."

Pakistan

Pakistan is a South Asian nation located in what is typically considered to be one of the best parts in the world to have a really sad life. Pakistan gained its independence in 1947 when the British Empire finally gave up on its crazy dream of having just one of its occupations end without countless years of ethnic violence (well, nobody's perfect). Today, Pakistan has the second-largest Muslim population in the world and is the only Muslim majority nation with a nuclear arsenal, which the United States has allowed the Pakistani military to have as long as they at least sort of pretend not to be harboring or selling weapons to members of the Taliban. As the saying goes, "The enemy of my enemy is my so-and-so." Pakistan shares a long and porous border with war-torn Afghanistan, but can always threaten to blast India off the map if its people need quick and easy access to a war zone on the other side of the country. The national motto is "Unity, Discipline, Faith," which won out narrowly over "We haven't ended the world yet, and that's probably a good sign." Pakistan's capital is Islamabad, its largest city is Karachi and its chief export is paranoia.

I don't remember this guy's name, but he may or may not live in Pakistan now.

Oman

Oman is a country and a 1976 horror film directed by Richard Donner that isn't as scary as it used to be and a 2006 remake that I haven't seen but probably wasn't that scary to begin with. Located in the Middle East, Oman is the birthplace of the popular cliché "Stuck between Saudi Arabia and hundreds of miles of gorgeous Arabian Sea coastline." Oman also shares borders with Yemen, which I don't know anything about, and United Arab Emirates, which is the one that has the indoor ski hill. Its capital, Muscat, has a human history dating back to the Stone Age and was mentioned as early as the 000s by Pliny the Elder, who described it as "A nice enough place, but good luck finding as much as a Quizno's there." The head of state is Sultan Qaboos bin Said al Said, who lent his name to Oman's Grand Mosque in 2001 because he hates America. Most people have never heard of Oman because it doesn't have as much oil as Saudi Arabia and, as mentioned before, it lacks an indoor ski hill.

Muscat: Pretty enough, but lacking in restaurant chains that fill me with a sense of familiarity and comfort.

Northern Ireland

Northern Ireland (or Ulster, if you have an accent that makes you difficult to take seriously) is a country presumably located somewhere in the northern portion of Ireland. The delinquent child in the family that is the United Kingdom, Northern Ireland has been the site of centuries' worth of arguments (the kind with bombs ["bombguments"]) over whether or not to be British. The 1800 Acts of Union made Ireland a part of the United Kingdom, leading to years of armed conflict between Protestants, who had always thought the Irish language looked stupid in print, and Irish Catholics, who believed that England should have asked nicely first. In 1920, the island was partitioned into Northern Ireland and Ireland Classic™ with the former remaining a part of the United Kingdom. In typical fashion, this resolved almost nothing. In the 1960s, Northern Ireland entered a bold new era of ethnic violence that lasted until 1998 when Bill Clinton put a stop to it by being awesome. This period is known as "The Troubles." Leave it to the British to make a long and bloody ethno-political conflict sound like something from a children's book.

The Giant's Causeway, shown here being climbed on by naked alien woman-things, is located in Northern Ireland.

Norway

Norway is a nation in northern Europe that is such an awful socialist hellhole that it has continued to prosper throughout the recent financial crisis, with its krøne currently standing as one of the world's most stable currencies. Aside from this, one of the main reasons why everybody wishes they were Norwegian is because if they were, they would be gorgeous and tall and could probably beat you up, but wouldn't need to in order to feel good about themselves. Norway has a history of conquest that has left them feeling so secure in their masculinity that they've pretty much retired from going to war with people. More than a thousand years ago, the Vikings used to sail from Norway to Iceland, Ireland and Great Britain on their awesome boats in order to set villages on fire and make women pregnant (this is the only reason why there are any attractive people in England). Norwegians also became the first Europeans to discover North America when Leif Ericsson landed in Canada or Massachusetts or something almost 500 years before that douche Christopher Columbus was even born. Most people don't know that (Author's Note: Most people are stupid). The main reason for this is because Ericsson decided not to stick around once he got here. See, his homeland looked like this and he just frankly didn't get what the big deal was.

Seriously guys, holy shit.

Nigeria

Nigeria is the most populous nation in Africa, the eighth-most populous in the world and probably the most tastefully named country on the Niger River. Nigeria has a human history that dates back as far as 9,000 B.C. and is a terrific place to dig for tribal art, make cheap reproductions of it, then place these in prominent locations throughout your living room so you'll look sophisticated and/or culturally tolerant. Nigeria has been home to a wide variety of rival ethnic groups who, during the early years of European colonization, used to play a lot of mean-spirited (and only kind of funny) practical jokes like selling each other into slavery. Nigeria gained its independence from the United Kingdom in 1960 and then descended into civil war in a shocking development that ran completely contrary to the well-known sociological maxim that a diverse country with a history of ethnic conflict and no institutionalized government will be totally fine if you just leave it to its own devices. Violence against the Igbo tribe of eastern Nigeria led to the 1967 secession of the Republic of Biafra and the ensuing Nigerian-Biafran "War." Nigeria won in the end, but things might have turned out differently if Biafra had only had weapons or food or, you know, any of the things that you should probably have in a war.

The Republic of Biafra: Like Rocky, except with the alternate ending where Apollo Creed knocks him out within the first 30 seconds, and then murders most of the Italian-Americans in Philadelphia.

Niger

Niger is a country in West Africa whose name bears a striking resemblance to a highly offensive racial slur. Oh man, isn't that hilarious? I think it is. I'm just gonna spend the rest of this entry just congratulating myself for making that connection (Author's Note: No I'm not. I like to think that I have a little more imagination and intellectual curiosity than that [you asshole]). Niger is actually named for the Niger River, which may not be very funny but it does provide what little water is available in a nation that is made almost entirely out of hot sand and despair. Since gaining independence in 1956, Niger has been in a state of almost constant political upheaval, changing its constitution about as frequently as my old roommate used to change his underpants (about once every ten years). Niger is currently run by a junta about as old as this blog, having been founded following a coup in February of this year. It is run by the Supreme Council for the Restoration of Democracy, which I did not research but I assume it's basically some kind of really low-rent West African Illuminati.

Former president Mamadou Tandja probably made a face kind of like this when he was deposed earlier this year.

Nicaragua

Nicaragua is the largest country in Central America and the largest country in the world whose name ends with -aragua. Nicaragua is unique for a number of reasons, foremost of which is the fact that, unlike any other nation, its surface is composed entirely of volcanoes and coffee beans. First colonized in the 1500s when the Spanish Empire wasn't showing a great deal of restraint or discretion, Nicaragua became an area of increased international interest in the 19th century, when European traders wanted to get from the Atlantic to the Pacific but were too lazy to sail around the tip of South America or invent the airplane. In 1856, Nicaragua was conquered by William Walker, a filibuster(er?) from Tennessee who didn't stop being a total butthole to everybody until 1860, when he was executed in Honduras. Nicaragua still owes the Hondurans a solid for that one. The next American to butthole around in Nicaragua was Ronald Reagan, who didn't have many hobbies and thought it would be fun to blow their stuff up good in 1981. That's what you get for being communists or for considering being communists. Apparently it worked, because if it hadn't, we'd all be speaking Russian by now (Author's Note: Trust me, I know how international affairs work). In 1990 Nicaragua elected Violeta Chamorro to the presidency, becoming only the second country in the world to elect a female president, after Iceland, which doesn't count.

During her presidency, Violeta Chamorro confounded all expectations by not starting a war every month when she was on her period. It's almost as if that's a stupid argument and not even really a funny joke. Why did I write it here if it's not funny, you ask? Touche.

New Zealand

New Zealand is an enchanted island nation located in the south Pacific consisting primarily of two islands known respectively as the North Island and (wait for it) the South Island. New Zealand also lays claim to the Ross Dependency of Antarctica, which would seem kind of desperate coming from any other country, but for some reason is kind of adorable when the New Zealanders do it. It might be the accents, but it's probably something more arbitrary than that (Author's Note: I am, after all, a ridiculous man who is prone to inexplicable flights of whimsy). Due to New Zealand's geographical isolation, the islands are home to many kinds of wildlife not found anywhere else, such as hobbits and King Kong. Like the dodo and many other stupid island creatures, several of New Zealand's endemic species were easily wiped out, or extinctified, upon the arrival of white settlers (bringing the total score to something like White Settlers: 12,000,096 | Rare Species: 0). The settlers failed, however, to do as thorough a job on the native Mãori people, who still constitute 15% of the country's total population. People from New Zealand are known colloquially as "Kiwis" due to their tough, furry skins and delicious, green innards.

The Haast's Eagle and the Moa are both extinct now. Like they say - "If you can't take the heat, get out of your native habitat."

Netherlands

The Netherlands (known as Holland by people who don't know that it's really called the Netherlands [i.e. idiots]) is a central European country that was one of the first parliamentary democracies and has a rich cultural history but is best known for its cheese, wooden shoes, marijuana and prostitutes (not necessarily in that order). Some famous people from the Netherlands include Anne Frank, Hieronymous Bosch and Vincent Van Gogh. Based on this sample group, one can draw the assumption that two-thirds of all Dutch people are totally bonkers. The Netherlands's's's capital, The Hague, is home to several international organizations, including the International Court of Justice and the International Criminal Court, which are apparently different things. This has led to its being known as "the legal capital of the world" by people who think that makes them sound smart (it doesn't). Basically, if you want to go on vacation someplace where you can see a real live war criminal, The Hague is your best bet. Other popular Dutch pastimes (apart from the aforementioned drugs and/or whores) include bicycling, which you've probably heard of, and mudflat hiking, which involves putting on some sturdy boots and just walking retarded distances along a coastline that kinda resembles the Molasses Swamp from Candyland.

Dutch people have way too much time on their hands.

Nepal

Nepal is a country located in south Asia between China and India, forming the middle of a sandwich with way too much bread and not nearly enough meat. Despite being the original birthplace of the Buddha (the guy Keanu Reeves played in this stupid movie), Nepal shows a disturbing lack of local pride by being a majority Hindu country. Because of its geographical position high in the Himalayas, much of Nepal is too cold for me to be interested in ever going there (Author's Note: Plus, instead of English, they speak something stupid called Nepalese). Nepal is home to many of the world's highest mountains, including Mount Everest, the world's highest peak and one of the best places for a white person to die a pointless, but manly death. The capital is Kathmandu and the national motto is "Mother and Motherland Are Greater Than Heaven" or, to save time, "Mother and Motherland > Heaven." That's a math joke, you guys!

Nepal is the only country in the world that only has half of a flag. If they think it looks cool, they are incorrect.

Nauru

Nauru is an island nation located in the south Pacific Ocean. Notable for being the first country in the some 120 entries I've written so far not to require any effort on my part to be hilarious, Nauru is the smallest, saddest, and brokest island nation in the world. Throughout most of the 20th century, Nauru's economy depended primarily on strip mining seagull shit for its phosphate content (I'm not kidding). In the eighties, Nauru's phosphate supply completely ran out. In addition to exhausting its only useful natural resource, the mining methods used to extract the phosphate completely destroyed the island's natural ecosystem. Desperate for cash, the government managed to blow even more money on a number of bad investments including a short-lived musical based on the life of Leonardo da Vinci (I'm still not kidding). Nauru's only airline went out of business in 2005, leaving it completely cut off from the outside world for about nine months. Nauru has a population of about 14,000 people, which is about 14,000 more than it's capable of supporting. Seriously you guys. It's not getting any better. Take the hint already.

If every country was this pathetic, my job would be a lot easier.

Namibia

Namibia is a country in southwest Africa where two million people live, but there is way more space available if you're interested (act now!). The nation is named for the Namib Desert, which is the oldest desert in the world, having been a really unpopular place for living things to exist for about the past 55 million years. Namibia was inhabited for centuries by various nomadic peoples before the Bantu people inexplicably decided to live there permanently in the 14th century. Namibia became a German colony in 1884, after almost every other European empire had passed on it. In 1904 the Germans discovered a new hobby when two local tribes, the Herero and Namaqua, started a violent uprising against the colonial government. It was during this period that Germany first claimed the title World Champions of Ethnic Cleansing, which they went on to hold for the better part of the 20th century (Author's Note: Yikes. Sorry guys, there are only so many funny things you can say about genocide). Following Germany's exit, Namibia spent a couple decades under the thumb of South Africa ( who really had little to gain from the arrangement and were just being what most historians describe as "total A-holes") before becoming an independent nation in 1988.

It's been at least 55 million years since there was a good reason to live in Namibia.

Mozambique

Mozambique is a southeastern African country which first gained marginal historical relevance in 1498, when a white person named Vasco da Gama (a Portuguese name translating approximately to "Beardy McBeardface") first hit the Indian Ocean. Thus began 400-some-odd years of benevolent Portuguese rule under the catchy slogan "Take yer gold out of the ground and put it in our boats for us. Please?" This lasted until the 1960s when, as usual, communism ruined a sweet deal for everyone. In 1964, the Front for the Liberation of So on and So Forth (or FRELETCETERA) started a guerrilla war against the Portuguese occupation, leading to Mozambique's independence in 1975. This led to the start of the Mozambican Civil War in 1977, when shooting each other started to become really fashionable. This fad, which appeared at first to be unsustainable, surprised everybody by lasting all the way until 1992. Things have gotten a lot better since then, although Mozambican hipsters have recently started massacring each other ironically.

Beardy McBeardface

Morocco

Morocco is a North African country where a lot of people speak French, which I think is neat (Author's Note: No I don't). During its heady days as a French protectorate, Morocco was a pretty cool place to be French and a pretty terrible place to be Moroccan. In 1953, the French exiled Sultan Mohamed V to Madagascar. Unlike "Rocky V," Mohamed V was not generally thought to be a really bad movie with a terrible climax (honestly, what kind of boxing movie ends with a fight next to some trash cans behind a bar?), and his exile provoked the uprising of a Moroccan nationalist movement. To his annoyance, Mohamed V was returned to Morocco in 1955, just when he had started to get used to the climate, discover some really neat bars and restaurants and really build his own social circle in Madagascar. Morocco achieved independence the following year, but stuck with the king on account of their old-school sensibilities. In the seventies, Morocco annexed neighboring Western Sahara because there is so much great stuff there.

The current king of Morocco is Mohamed Balboa.

Montenegro

Montenegro is a former Yugoslav republic located on the Adriatic coast. The name, meaning "black mountain," is Italian or something, reflecting the fact that the Serbian equivalent, Crna Gora, looks really stupid on paper. Of course, modern Montenegro was originally part of someplace called Duklja (What? [Exactly.]), so I guess everything's relative. Montenegro has gone through a number of political changes throughout its history, having been a metropolitanate, a principality, a kingdom, a socialist republic, a federal republic, and I think a kingdom again over the course of the past couple centuries. Jesus guys, will you make up your minds? In fact, I'm calling bullshit on metropolitanate. That word is marked as being misspelled every time I type it. And I'm an excellent speller. Pretty sure it's not even a real thing. Since the breakup of Yugoslavia, Montenegro has been having a relatively nice time, experiencing a high enough level of development that, if they're lucky, France might start letting them sit at the cool kids' table pretty soon.

From 1860 to 1910, Montenegro was ruled by King Nicholas I who, judging by this picture, also doubled as the country's entire military.

Mongolia

Mongolia is probably my favorite Paul Thomas Anderson film, for which Tom Cruise fully deserved to win Best Supporting Actor in 2000 (but didn't, because the Academy Awards are stupid). A landlocked country in central Asia with Russia to the north and China to the south, Mongolia forms the geographical meat of a sandwich that has communists instead of bread. Much of the country is made up of steppes, which are dry areas of land that could be deserts if they only had the gumption (they don't, but in this case it would be difficult to blame the Academy Awards). Almost a third of the Mongolian population is nomadic, which contributes to a recent statistic positing that Mongolians see more depressing landscape per capita than any other nationality (even Utahans). The most famous Mongolian ever was Genghis Khan, considered to be one of history's biggest and most innovative assholes. The second-most famous Mongolian ever is not famous enough for me to have heard of him or her. The capital, Ulaanbaatar, was first founded in the early 17th century, but kept getting moved around until 1778, before which all of its residents presumably lived in trailer homes. Mongolia is also home to the Mongolian Death Worm, (the local version of Sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster, or Joseph Stalin) a probably fictional but hopefully real thing native to the Gobi Desert that can kill you just by looking at you, or something.

Just in case you were having trouble finding a reason not to go to the Gobi Desert.

Monaco

Monaco is a city-state located on the French Riviera, not nearly far enough from the Italian border. A constitutional monarchy, Monaco has been ruled by the Genoese House of Grimaldi since the late 13th century, but its national sovereignty was first recognized in 1861 by the French, who decided the city-state was "not quite gay enough." France does, however, remain responsible for defense, which is good, because if there's one country I want in charge of making sure nobody blows up any parts of me, it's France (Get it? Because France is a country that is stereotypically bad at being in wars! [Author's Note: Pretty much this entire entry is going to be jokes about the French because I am lazy. Let's see if I can work a baguette reference in here somewhere]). Monaco is notable for being the smallest country in the world that does not have a Pope living in it somewhere. The capital/entire country is Monte Carlo. There is a casino there, but that's most likely the only thing it has in common with Deadwood, South Dakota. Monégasque people probably eat baguettes sometimes (Author's Note: Yesssss!).

The Pope is among the more prominent people not living in Monaco.

Moldova

Moldova is an eastern European country located between Romania and Ukraine, where the wheat is plentiful and everyone talks like vampires (not "Twilight" vampires either. Badass vampires). Moldova is named after the Moldova River which, as the legend goes, was named after a prince's dog who was chasing after some sort of primitive cow-thing when it fell in said river and drowned. Ergo, Moldova is named after a stupid dog who couldn't swim. Like many countries in the area, Moldova has a long and proud history of being conquered by whatever roaming barbarian horde happened to be trendy at the time. These included the Goths, Huns, Magyars, and numerous other groups that also sound like they might be mutant sub-groups from X-Men. Having gained independence from the Soviet Union in 1991, Moldova remains home to a strongly supported communist party. The key difference from the Soviet years is that nobody else really cares anymore.

Moldova lays claim to a strip of land along the shore of the Dniester River known as Transnistria, which both sounds like and is a fake country.

Micronesia

The Federated States of Micronesia is an island nation in the Pacific Ocean which, like many island nations in the Pacific Ocean, is probably not worth the time or effort it'll take to write this entry (admittedly not very much to begin with). Much of Micronesia was once ruled by the Saudeleur, a mighty(ish) empire built around the island of Yap. The Saudeleur capital was Nan Madol, a now-ruined city off the shore of Pohnpei, which is apparently referred to by some as the Venice of the Pacific, a title which is a lot more impressive if you don't realize that the only requirement for being the Venice of something is that the city be impossible to navigate without a canoe. Micronesia became an independent state in 1986, but still has an economy based largely on the United States mailing it a giant check every year.

Micronesia's most famous residents include Cthulu, a cosmic being of unspeakable evil who used to rent an apartment in Nan Madol.

Mexico

Mexico is a North American nation, the Americas' fifth-largest by area and home to the world's largest Mexican-speaking population. Mexico has a long and rich history, with evidence of human presence dating back as far as 21,000 BC (or: 17,000 years before Jesus invented the universe). More recently, Mexico was home to great civilizations like the Aztecs, whose kings used to eat human hearts and draw blood from their scrotums in their spare time, and the Mayans, who are going to look really dumb if any of us are still alive in 2013. These cultures dominated modern-day Mexico until the arrival of Hernán Cortés, a Spaniard who was annoyed with the lack of opportunities to indiscriminately murder people in his homeland. During his conquest of the Aztecs, Cortés also succeeded in popularizing smallpox, which was all the rage in the 1520s. A more sustainable trend was Catholicism, which remains popular in Mexico to this day. This backfired in 1810, when an uppity priest named Miguel began an uprising for Mexican independence, to which the Spaniards replied "Okay, we'll leave in like ten years, but first we're gonna shoot you." And they did. The first Mexican Constitution was drafted in 1824, but that didn't last long before it was dissolved by Santa Anna, a rotten dude who also killed Davy Crockett. Mexico gave the whole constitution thing another go in 1917 and it seems to have at least sort of stuck this time around. This development (and NAFTA) notwithstanding, Mexico is currently a scary place, rife with tumult, uncertainty, and things similar to tumult and uncertainty, in which you're about as likely to be employed as you are to be beheaded and abandoned in the desert.

Mexico's primary resources include natural gas and good times for drunk white people.

Mauritius

Mauritius is an island nation located in the Indian Ocean east of Madagascar. Though known of as early as the tenth century (Author's Note: You guys, that's a MILLENNIUM ago!), the island remained uninhabited for the next 700 years before anyone thought of a particularly compelling reason to live there. In 1638, the Dutch were the first to settle the island, establishing a settlement on Mauritius for no real reason other than the fact that it was not made of salt water. The shitty climate and isolated location gave these early settlers some pretty immediate buyer's remorse, but the Dutch hung around for awhile because they had some serious codependency issues and just weren't all that bright. In the end, they packed up all their Dutch stuff and got out of Dutch Dodge in 1710. People live there again now though, I guess. Like a million of 'em. I'm not sure who they are, or what their deal is.

Mauritius was the only known home of the dodo, an extinct bird whose existence served only to prove that God has a really mean sense of humor.

Mauritania

Mauritania is a Muslim, Arabic-speaking country in north Africa whose name is derived from the Latin word "Mauri," which comes from the English term "Moors" - not this guy. Despite a rather healthy oil reserve discovered off the country's Atlantic coastline in 2001, Mauritania remains a very poor country, with about a fifth of the population living on under $1.25 a day. I know, right? It's like, don't they realize that that's not nearly enough? Jeez. The first president was Ould Daddah, who annexed the southern portion of Western Sahara as part of a diabolical plot to corner the international market for rocks and dirt. His overthrow in 1978 established military coups as Mauritania's national pastime. They were all the rage until 1984, when Ould Taya took control of the country and declared "Relative political stability is the new constant upheaval." A 2005 coup brought fear and uncertainty back into style. That coup worked out so well that Mohamed Ould Abdel Aziz decided to try another one in 2008.

Mauritania's presidency has changed hands eight times in the time it took to write this entry.

Marshall Islands

The Marshall Islands is an island nation in the Pacific Ocean. Boy, that sounds interesting, doesn't it? Wait, there's more! The Marshall Islands were originally settled in the 2nd millennium BC by Micronesians, who had way too much time on their hands. Literally nothing else happened between then and 1526, when the islands were stumbled upon by Alonso Salazar, a doomed Spanish explorer who was probably in no way excited to have been the first European to discover the Marshall Islands. If anything, he probably said something like "Oh look, an island that we did not previously know was there. Let's name it something and get outta here." He named it San Bartolome, after the patron saint of honestly not caring at all. In 1788, and English captain, John Marshall, arrived and named the islands after himself. For some reason, that's the name the stuck. After that, some other stuff happened.

Following World War II, the United States used the Marshall Islands' Bikini Atoll to practice blowing shit up on. The results have been documented in Wes Craven's horror classic, "The Marshall Islands Have Eyes."

Malta

Malta is a European nation comprised by a handful of islands in the Mediterranean. Due to its strategic location due south of Sicily, Malta has been a military stronghold throughout history for numerous empires who were hoping for a good look at what those sneaky Italians were up to and, on occasion, for those sneaky Italians, who are just kind of narcissistic if you ask me. Throughout the 19th century, Malta's economy was based on cotton, shipbuilding, and "what dreams are made of" (Author's Note: That's a Humphrey Bogart reference. Ask your parents). The latter resource is no longer available, owing to the events of World War II, when the Maltese archipelago got blowed up real good and flooded the Mediterranean with dreams (it took years for the southern European fishing industry to recover). Malta has a rich religious history, thought by many Christian scholars to be a place where St. John once went by accident when he was shipwrecked on his way to, I dunno, the Cannes Film Festival or something. Malta is also home to the Megalithic Temples, the oldest free-standing structures in Europe.

The Megalithic Temples were built more than 3000 years before the invention of Jesus Christ, so it pretty much goes without saying that whoever built them is in Hell now. Whoops.

Mali

Mali is a west African nation with a population of about 14.5 million folks, most of whom live in the southwestern portion of the country (also known as "the part that is not so much a terrible terrible desert"). Named for the "great" Mali Empire, which used to be hot shit way back in the day but is now not even a thing, Mali is a former French colony and one of the best places to go if you're into awesome shimmery robes. Despite being one of the poorest countries in the world, Mali has seen a great deal of economic growth over the past fifteen years, experiencing an annual GDP increase of 17.6% (which is apparently quite a lot). This has inspired the national motto, "Un peuple, un but, une foi," which is French for "Don't call it a comeback; we've been here all along." Mali's capital is Bamako, but a better-known Malian city is Timbuktu, which you probably thought was just a colloquial synonym for "Kingdom Come" or "A Significant Distance from Here" and not actually a real place. Think again (you are dumb).

Timbuktu (a real place).

Maldives

Maldives: Pros vs Cons

PRO: Easy access to a wide variety of sea creatures
CON: No access whatsoever to literally anything else
PRO: Lots of good places to swim
CON: Lots of good places to drown
PRO: High point of 7'7" above sea level, good confidence boost for novice mountaineers
CON: Having your entire town destroyed by an eight-foot swell
PRO: Warm climate
CON: Global warming
PRO: Beautiful vacation spot
CON: Get there soon, 'cause it'll be underwater within the next few months

The capital is Malé. It will soon be overrun by merpeople.

Malaysia

Malaysia is a country in southeast Asia consisting of Malaysian Borneo (located on the northern portion of, you guessed it, Borneo) and Peninsular Malaysia (which, when highlighted on a map, makes the Malay peninsula appear to be wearing a sock). Though east and west Malaysia are currently separated by the South China Sea, works are underway to connect the two with a really huge series of ziplines. Okay, so I just made that up, but it would be totally badass if it were true. Malaysia is considered to be a megadiverse country (probably not nearly as cool as it sounds) by whoever decides which countries are considered to be whatever that is. A former British colony, Malaysia gained its independence from those limey such-and-suches in 1957 and has since become something of an economic powerhouse in its own right, now possessing a top-notch infrastructure (despite its notorious dearth of ziplines) and even its own space program (Author's Note: Wow Malaysia, that's awesome! Maybe someday you could do something really momentous, like going to the moon or something! Hahaha, just kidding. Seriously though, you guys are adorable).

The capital, Kuala Lumpur, is home to the Petronas Towers, which used to be the tallest buildings in the world, but now they're not, so nobody cares anymore.

Malawi

Malawi (from a Latin term meaning "bad awi") is a landlocked country bordering Mozambique in southeastern Africa. Its residents lived their miserable lives in abject, hopeless savagery until 1859, when British explorer David Livingstone came from the north, bringing with him the shining light of European civilization. Thanks in part to the steadfastly ambivalent efforts of the British colonial service, what was once not a country at all has now gone on to be consistently ranked as one of the most fucked nations on the planet (you're welcome). Malawi has one of the highest population densities in the world, but its population is mainly rural, and the bulk of its economy is based on agriculture. Its chief products include tobacco, sugarcane, and HIV/AIDS (unfortunately, demand for the latter has steadily decreased over the course of recent decades, while supply hasn't waned significantly).

Here's Malawi. God is pointing an enormous sniper rifle at the capital, Lilongwe.

Madagascar

Madagascar is a nation located off the southeastern coast of Africa, on a turd-shaped island of the same name. Which came first, you ask, the country or the island? The island, of course. By like, millions of years. Stop trying to over-complicate things (Author's Note: You are a dick). Madagascar was first settled sometime after 200 A.D., by Austronesian sailors who canoed there from southeast Asia. You see, there wasn't any television in those days, and people had to make their own fun. The Austronesians were later followed by Muslim dynasties, Portuguese explorers and communist pirates (swear to gawd), among other things. Madagascar has an extremely diverse ecosystem, with 80% of its native plants and animals not found anywhere else. When I read that, I was picturing the island from King Kong, but so far my research hasn't uncovered any mention of dinosaurs. What a ripoff.

Tsingy de Bemaraha Nature Reserve, named for a Malagasy term meaning "rocks that are pointier than the average rock."

Macedonia

The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia (so named as a result of a copyright dispute with neighboring Greece [for a brief time, FYR Macedonia was designated only by an unpronounceable symbol that looked kind of like a stick figure doing a jumping jack (no particular significance, they just thought it looked cool)]) is a nation in southern Europe that has a much harder time ignoring Serbia than most of us. Once a part of ancient Paeonia, which I've never heard of, Macedonia was later conquered by the Ottoman Empire, which sounds at least reasonably familiar to me. In 1910, Macedonia produced its most famous native of the 20th century: Mother Teresa, who was not, in fact, anybody's mother, but rather a nun of Albanian descent who was charitable as hell and probably smelled terrific. Following the dissolution of the Ottoman Empire, Macedonia became a part of Yugoslavia, but they'd probably rather I didn't talk about that period because it really didn't work out for anybody.

At 66 meters, the Millennium Cross in Skopje, Macedonia is the world's largest cross. If I were the world's largest heretic, I'd steer clear of Macedonia.

Luxembourg

Luxembourg is a very small country in western Europe, but I think it would also make a pretty good name for an ocean-dwelling supervillain from the DC Comics universe (as in: "Cower before Luxembourg, Lord of the Sea!"). Actually, Luxembourg is basically the exact opposite of what I just described, being completely landlocked and not at all accustomed to having things cower before it. Along with Belgium and the Netherlands, Luxembourg is a member of Benelux, which sounds like a medication whose commercials depict people kayaking and skipping through fields and such, but is actually a trade union/support group for the countries that are traditionally conquered first whenever there's a European land war. The head of state is a dude named Henri Albert Gabriel Félix Marie Guillaume. He's a Grand Duke, which sounds impressive but really isn't that tough of a job (although that might just be sour grapes on my part).

The capital city, also called Luxembourg, is similarly lacking in aquatic superpowers.

Lithuania

What can I say about Lithuania that hasn't already been said? A lot, probably, because I very rarely hear anyone talk about Lithuania. Located in northern Europe, Lithuania is the southernmost of the three Baltic states (characterized by many as "the sensitive one" [Author's Note: I've been told that Estonia is "the funny one," but I guess everything's relative.]). In 1990, Lithuania became the first Soviet state to gain independence. The Soviets, apparently having nothing better to do, responded with an economic blockade, then killed 14 civilians in an ill-fated attempt to destroy Lithuanian television (or something). The Lithuanian capital, Vilnius, was named European Capital of Culture for 2009. Paris, eat your heart out.

Vytautas the Great, a medieval king of Lithuania, looks awfully smug here for someone who's been dead for 600 years.

Liechtenstein

Liechtenstein, located in the Swiss Alps of western Europe, is either a hilariously tiny nation or a really enormous studio apartment, depending on how you look at it. I think that's one of those glass-half-full/glass-half-empty things. The official demonym for residents of Liechtenstein is Liechtensteiner, but I wouldn't worry too much about remembering that because there are only about 35,000 of them, and even if you do eventually happen to meet one, you can get some pretty hilarious reactions out of them by continually referring to them as Germans, regardless of how many times they correct you. Like neighboring Switzerland, Liechtenstein remained officially neutral during World War II. This came as a huge relief to the Nazis, who were ill-equipped to fight an alpine war against an imaginary army. Today, Liechtenstein has the highest GDP per person in the world, and an unemployment rate of, well, apparently there are only 209 unemployed people in all of Liechtenstein. Imagine being one of the 209 unemployed people in your entire country. That's gotta be depressing.

Vaduz Castle, where the Prince of Liechtenstein probably makes all kinds of super-important decisions.

Libya

The Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya is a big ol' nation located in north Africa on the southern shore of the Mediterranean Sea. Its primary export is sand, of which it has hundreds of varieties, each of them sandier than the last (well, as long as you list them in order from least sandy to sandiest). Libya holds a place of prominence on any well-respected historian's list of things ruined by Italian people in the 20th century, having been colonized by those dudes right around the start of World War I. The Italians spread many aspects of their culture to Libya during the interwar years; in particular, dying in forced labor camps became a very popular pastime for local Bedouins during this period. Since 1969 Libya's government has been a Jamahiriya (a goofy made-up word for something like a socialist republic [not to be confused with Jamiroquai, a goofy made-up word for a '90s acid jazz group from London]) led by Muammar al-Gaddafi, a saggy old lady with a penchant for funny hats.

The Libyan flag is a green field with no distinguishing features, symbolizing the nation's proud tradition of creative bankruptcy.

Liberia

Liberia is a small African country that is unique among west African nations for having never had a bunch of Eurotrash show up and start telling it what to do. Now I know what you're thinking: "But what about Ghana?" Nope. Ghana was colonized by the British, remember? Idiot. Now you're probably thinking "Okay, but what about Cameroon?" Uh, no, they were colonized by the French. Just shut up, okay? Thanks. Liberia was originally founded in 1821 by the American Colonial Society, a group of folks who thought that black people might not want to be slaves anymore, but also didn't want them moving into their neighborhoods and driving down the property values. With that in mind, former slaves were sent to live in Liberia, and everyone was happy, except for the west African natives already living there, who were like "Who the hell are all these people?" Liberia has retained numerous cultural ties to the United States, as evidenced by their flag, which is just barely original enough to prevent Betsy Ross's heirs from suing their asses into the ground.

In 1980, Samuel Doe and his enormous eyeglasses led a successful military coup and proceeded to act like a total dick for the next ten years or so. In 1990, he was tortured and executed by the leader of a rival faction. This experience taught him an important lesson.

Lesotho

Lesotho is a nation of some two million citizens surrounded on all sides by South Africa. It is the southernmost landlocked country in the world, and presumably there's someone out there who thinks that's an interesting fact. (Author's Note: Not me though. I couldn't possibly care less.) Lesotho's national languages are English and Sesotho, and its name is Sesotho for "Land of the people who speak Sesotho." There's probably a joke to be made about how that's not a very original name, but it's pretty hot out today and I really can't be bothered. Despite being one of the most impoverished and AIDS-ridden nations on the planet, Lesotho's constitutional monarchy is pretty decent in terms of civil liberties, allowing for freedoms of speech and the press, or as it's written in the Mosotho constitution: "Say what you want. You still gotta live here."

The capital is Maseru, a city that none of you have ever heard of before. I swear it's real though. Seriously. Look it up.

Lebanon

Lebanon is a primarily Arab country located on the eastern shores of the Mediterranean Sea. In ancient times, Lebanon was the homeland of the Phoenicians, a society of Mediterranean fishermen who vanished for several centuries before later reappearing in central Arizona, where they now run a series of successful glasses manufacturers (like ya do). Lebanon enjoyed considerable prosperity throughout much of the 20th century, often being referred to as "the Switzerland of the East" for its thriving banking industry; its capital, Beirut, was known as "the Paris of the Middle East" for its annoying plethora of local mimes. Of course, the mimes were the first to go when the Lebanese Civil War broke out in 1975. Don't let that fool you though, 'cause it wasn't all gravy. For one thing, Lebanon had an even worse 1982 than the rest of us - while most regular dudes were having a hard enough time just coping with Tommy Tutone and the death of Henry Fonda, the Lebanese were getting totally rolled on by the Israeli army. This resulted in the rise of Hezbollah, a militia named for an Arabic term meaning "A Bunch of Dudes with Mean Senses of Humor." To this very day, Hezbollah remains at the forefront of making people nervous.

Hezbollah have done pretty well for themselves, despite having no idea how to hold that gun correctly

Latvia

Latvia is a northern European nation where I would recommend going if you want to vacation in Europe, but you don't want to spend much money or have any fun at all. Being the hardest-hit of any European nation by the recent financial meltdown, exacerbated by a tumultuous change of leadership in 2009, Latvia has not been heard from in about ten months, but most experts posit that the locals not fortunate enough to own a reinforced basement or shed are currently locked in a constant death struggle in the streets of towns such as Riga, the capital. Though few actually believe the Latvians to have resorted to eating human flesh for sustenance as of this posting, many agree that it's "just a matter of time," especially given the exceptionally cruel winters which may or may not often occur there (Author's Note: If you think I have time for the weather conditions of northern Europe, you are dead wrong because I do not.). In short, life in Latvia is probably no more than 20% better than it was under the Soviet Union.

Latvian president Valdis Zatlers: missing, presumed dead.

Laos

Laos! (often spelled [incorrectly] without the exclamation point) is a country in southeast Asia where many of the people are Laotian and almost as many live in crippling poverty, which many human rights organizations have categorized as a Class 1 Bummer. Laotian heritage dates back to the Kingdom of a Million Elephants, established in the 14th century, but don't let that fool you - the average Laotian is actually rather unlikely to be crushed to death. So they've got that going for them, I guess. Along with neighboring Cambodia and Vietnam, Laos! was part of French Indochina until World War II, when the French reluctantly gave up on their benevolent efforts to teach southeast Asia a thing or two about wine. The capital is Vientiane, a city in the Mekong valley whose name means "City of Sandalwood." As such, the whole place smells just like one of those scented candles. It's pretty awesome.

Vientiane: Lao for "smells fuckin' great!"

Kyrgyzstan

Kyrgyzstan is a central Asian country populated primarily by a people known as the Kyrgyz, which many experts consider to be a funny-sounding word. Formerly part of the Soviet Union (the part that they conquered and then basically forgot about), Kyrgyzstan achieved independence in late 1991 and hadn't been researched since, until earlier today when I looked it up on Wikipedia for the purposes of this post. By the powers vested in me by virtue of being a regular dude with an above-average internet connection, I hereby declare Kyrgyzstan to once again be historically relevant. Congratulations! (Author's Note: Or should I say, Kyrgrytulations? [No. No I shouldn't.]) And now I've lost my train of thought.

The yellow thing in the center of Kyrgyzstan's flag represents the Sun, which is necessary to keep Kyrgyzstan from being really cold all the time.

Kuwait

Kuwait is a Middle Eastern nation that was on fire the last time anybody particularly cared about it (but presumably isn't anymore). Located on the northwestern shore of the Persian Gulf, Kuwait has a great deal of oil wealth for its relatively small size and, as a result, acts of aggression against it will not stand. An example of an act of aggression against Kuwait that was not allowed to stand occurred in 1990 when Saddam Hussein, no longer satisfied with just having a creepy mustache, decided to move on in and take that stuff. A constitutional monarchy whose capital is located in the aptly named Kuwait City, Kuwait's head honcho is Emir Sabah Al-Ahmad Al-Jaber Al-Sabah Al-Mynameisofanimpracticallength. He has been described by Dick Cheney as "a pretty cool guy, all things considered."

This is the Prime Minister of Kuwait. I don't remember what his name is, but he sure looks pleased about something.

South Korea

South Korea is a country in southeast Asia, located on the half of the Korean peninsula where people are allowed to do things like dance and brush their teeth unsupervised, but totally suck at marching (there's always a trade-off). Following a messy breakup with North Korea in 1948, South Korea has devoted a lot of time to telling its buddies what an asshole that guy is. South Korea has planted roughly an assload of land mines and guard towers and such along the 38th parallel to discourage any group of North Koreans from mustering the gumption to pick up a missile, get a running start, and throw it across the border (despite having what most military experts describe as "a little bitch" of a missile program, most of North Korea's weapons are still fully capable of exploding). Despite this constant siege mentality, the South Koreans have become a thriving economic power within Asia and even co-hosted the first Asian World Cup in 2002 where they demonstrated their unparalleled ability to cheat at soccer.

The South Korean capital is Seoul, site of a series of brutal monster attacks in 2006.

North Korea

North Korea is a(n evil) nation in southeast Asia, located, oddly enough, just north of South Korea. Best-known for being almost completely full o' commies, North Korea has been inextricably involved in America's foreign policy since the 1950s, when Harry S. Truman sent in American troops to keep North Korea from becoming completely full o' commies (a job which they totally fucked up [thanks a lot, troops]). It is currently headed up by benevolent dictator Kim Jong-Il, a goofy little dude who has been trying unsuccessfully to bring enormous old man glasses back into style since 1993. His favorite hobby is firing missiles into the Pacific Ocean and making ominous public statements in order to appear relevant on an international scale. Most leading psychiatrists recommend both of these activities as self-esteem boosters for troubled children with comically small penises.

"Hey, you there! Yeah, you! Pay attention to me!"

Kiribati

Kiribati is a nation made up of everything that happens to be sticking out of the Pacific Ocean in an area of about 1,300,000 square miles near the equator. Most of its 98,000 inhabitants are the descendants of a bunch of credulous dupes who were tricked into living there by meanspirited merchant sailors way back in the day (like, at least thirty years ago). "Kiribati" comes from a terrible mispronunciation of "Gilbert," and is the root of a long-running I-Kiribati inside joke that everyone thinks is kind of annoying now. The Gilbert part comes from the Gilbert Islands, an island chain (in turn named for actor and comedian Gilbert Gottfried) the makes up most of the shit that people are able to build houses on there.

Kiribati Gottfried at an awards show in 1991.

Kenya

Kenya is an east African nation located along the coast of the Indian Ocean, near the Great Lakes region of Africa. Named for Mount Kenya, the second-tallest mountain in Africa (or the fifth-tallest if, for some reason, you also count three taller mountains which are not in Africa), Kenya is home to an extremely wide variety of native tribes, including but not limited to the Kikuyu, Luhya, and maybe even a Guido or two! Despite being located relatively close to some shitty shitty shitty (etc.) deserts, Kenya is home to one of the richest ecosystems in the world and, as a British colony, was a popular destination for Europeans in adorable khaki outfits who hoped to put some bullets in some rare and beautiful mammals to prove how manly they were (i.e. so manly). In general, Kenyans have really terrific cardio, in case they have to run away from said wildlife.

The capital is Nairobi, shown here under attack from a 350-foot giraffe.

Kazakhstan

Kazakhstan is a central Asian country that used to be a part of the Soviet Union and is secretly disappointed that it isn't anymore ("At least then we got a little goddamn respect," said one observer, who may or may not have actually had anything to do with Kazakhstan). They'll never actually admit, but Russia actually feels more or less the same way - since Kazakhstan declared independence in late 1991, the Kremlin has had a lot of/some/possibly no trouble figuring out where would be a good place to explode nuclear weapons for fun. In 1961, Kazakhstan was the site of the first manned space launch in history, when cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin discovered that space is "very dark and cold as fuck." Bet you thought this entry was just going to be a bunch of Borat jokes, didn't you? Well, that's because you're an asshole.

Yuri "Seriously Dogg, I Should've Brought a Sweater or Something" Gagarin

Jordan

Jordan is a small country in the Middle East, known by many as a place where Jesus used to hang out way back in the day. Following an impressive college career with the University of North Carolina, Jordan became the first Asian country to play in the NBA when it was drafted by the Chicago Bulls with the third overall pick in 1984. It went on to play a crucial role in the six NBA Championships won by the Bulls during the 1990s, and is considered by many to be the greatest basketball player of all time (Saudi Arabia has been known to claim that Kobe Bryant is better, but most scholars on the Middle East agree that this is only sour grapes). Because of its small size and its location adjacent to Iraq, Israel, and the Sinai Peninsula, most Jordanians are never very far from having their day completely ruined.

Jordan's lucrative Nike sponsorship has long been a source of resentment for neighboring countries.

Japan

Japan is a country consisting of almost 7,000 islands located off the coast of East Asia. Though sometimes known as the "Land of the Rising Sun," this is a misnomer because the rising sun is actually located in outer space. The capital, Tokyo, has a higher population than any other urban conurbation in the world (also: more Japanese people). Japan officially renounced the right to declare war in 1947, after we rocked their shit in World War II - rubbing that in is generally considered to be an impolite move, but boy is it funny from time to time. Despite its being home to a proud civilization that has existed in some form since prehistoric times, if Japan is brought up in conversation with most regular dudes, the first things they will think of are karaoke and weird animated pornography.

The Japanese invented "Power Rangers." You're welcome.