China

China is a country in East Asia that has been around for so long that it struts around Earth like it owns the place. China has a long and boring history, dating back to the reign of Yu the Great, around 2100 years before Christmas (I don't think they even had Hannukah). This resulted in the foundation of the Xia Dynasty and is regarded by many scholars to be one of the more important points in history when a guy has put on a fancy hat and convinced everyone else that he was God. While it's impossible to know for sure what Yu the Great might say if you told him that his beloved homeland would later turn into a country which, despite being pretty enormous, is still not nearly large enough to sustain the number of communists in it, my guess is it would be something like "What?" One reason why China is not as good as America is because we invented the fortune cookie but, ultimately, this and the fact that most Chinese people only have access to a grand total of like three or four websites will come as little consolation to Americans in the future, when it will be illegal in the United States to refer to China as anything but "Daddy" and Chinese men will be able to name individual Americans after their wives as anniversary presents, like that star registry bullshit.

"What?"